Tuesday, February 19, 2019

Emergent Properties

Dear Mr. President
Thank you for the declaration
of a national emergency.

We know just how much of a threat to our country
illegal immigration is
by the fact that you waited
more than two years

to declare it as such.

However if on the off chance
you meant that your continued presidency
is a national emergency

well then
welcome to the club.

This poem © 2019 Emily Cooper.

Tuesday, February 12, 2019

Must Loathe Dogs

Last November
while promoting her new album
Barbra Streisand asked a worthy question
of the Los Angeles Times

“How does the president not have a dog?
He’s the first president in 120 years
that doesn’t have a dog in the White House.”

Last night at a very necessary
self-congratulatory rally in El Paso
Trump responded

“I wouldn’t mind having one, honestly
but I don’t have any time"

then added
presumably rhetorically
"How would I look
walking a dog on the White House lawn?”

Nonetheless
the answer is
"Like a lying asshole with a dog
who gives its owner
the cat-like contempt
that he so richly deserves."


This poem © 2019 Emily Cooper.

Tuesday, February 5, 2019

Haiku of the Union

Turn off the TV
for Trump's State of the Union.
Save valuable time.

It will be fact free
and equal parts bombastic
and fear inducing.

All news is fake news.
Bad is their fault; good is mine.
Blame Dems for your doom.

This poem © 2019 Emily Cooper.

Tuesday, January 29, 2019

Cast the First Stone

Roger Stone

the man Hank Hill's father Cotton
from King of the Hill would be
if he were taller and real

and one of the only people
to actually vocalize the word "libtard"
rather than just writing it
in YouTube comments

has pleaded not guilty
to charges from the Mueller probe.

Anagrams of his name
include the descriptive "ego snorter"
and the foretelling "regret soon"

and if you include his middle name Jason
you also get "Orange Senor Jots"
and "Oranger Jest Soon"

for the inevitable "I never liked him" tweet
from the President.



















This poem © 2019 Emily Cooper.

Tuesday, January 22, 2019

Greater Than

When asked by Stephen Colbert
"On a scale of zero to some
how many fucks do you give"

about her fellow Democrats
telling her to "go slow"
on her ambitious policy proposals

Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez replied
"I think it's, um, zero."

This poem © 2019 Emily Cooper.

Tuesday, January 15, 2019

NoFundMe

Brian Koflage Jr.
organizer of the GoFundMe
to fund the building 
of the wall

has declared that the delusional donors' money
will no longer
go to the federal government

and will instead fund a new nonprofit
called We Build the Wall, Inc.

Because of this change
donors must opt-in
to accept the redirection of their funds
or receive a full refund.

Koflage believes his team
is “better equipped than our own government
to use the donated funds
to build an actual wall
on the southern border".

What will likely happen
is that on day 365 of the government shutdown

the promises of the nonprofit
remaining unfulfilled

all seven Trump supporters
who are still mad enough to do something about it
will gather together at the border
to build their own wall

marvel at how
wall-building is quite hard

stop marveling at this fact
before they accidentally appreciate
the labor of immigrants

and finally unveil
their creation

which stands
at all of 20 feet wide
and 3 feet high.

Then Trump will declare victory

Republicans in Congress
will say something in praise
of those seven American workers

Democrats will be happy
with its size

everyone else will be exhausted

and the government will be reopened.

This poem © 2019 Emily Cooper.

Tuesday, January 8, 2019

A Lie Repeated Often Enough

As the shutdown stretches on

Trump

tonight at 9:00 PM Eastern Time

through his second-favorite medium

of television

will be making his case
for the border wall

but he's wasting his

and everyone else's time

because he could just say
the wall was already built

and sooner or later

(probably sooner)
he and his supporters
would believe it.

This poem © 2019 Emily Cooper.

Tuesday, January 1, 2019

Trump Said It Best

Says Trump MAGA-nanimously
in all caps:
"HAPPY NEW YEAR TO EVERYONE, INCLUDING THE HATERS 
AND THE FAKE NEWS MEDIA!

2019 WILL BE A FANTASTIC YEAR
FOR THOSE NOT SUFFERING
FROM TRUMP DERANGEMENT SYNDROME.

JUST CALM DOWN
AND ENJOY THE RIDE,
GREAT THINGS ARE HAPPENING FOR OUR COUNTRY!"

For once
Trump invented something good

as Trump Derangement Syndrome
is a great name
for an affliction

although in actuality
its primary sufferer
is not the media
but the president himself

for holding hundreds of thousands
of jobs hostage
in the hopes Democrats will indulge
his penis-size metaphor. 



This poem © 2019 Emily Cooper.

Tuesday, December 18, 2018

Hello Goodbye

Goodbye
Trump Foundation

which has been forced to dissolve itself
under court supervision.

Hello
newfound shame
that leads to complete financial transparency
from our president.

Well maybe
just the first one.

This poem © 2018 Emily Cooper.

Tuesday, December 11, 2018

Trump Hits a Wall

After today's meeting with Trump
about the border wall

House Minority Leader Pelosi said
all that needed to be said:

“It’s like a manhood thing for him.
As if manhood
could ever be associated with him.

This wall thing,”



This poem © 2018 Emily Cooper.

Tuesday, December 4, 2018

The Sound of Silence

Dear President Trump

I don't know
if we should praise you

for paying your respects
to the late Bush
without breaking anything

but it would be nice
if you continued the trend

of shutting up
when you don't have anything
constructive to say

which is all the time.

It won't matter to you
but remember

if you break it
we buy it.


This poem © 2018 Emily Cooper.

Tuesday, November 27, 2018

A Lack of Insight

A significant bit of good news
buried below the bad

the InSight craft
has landed on Mars

and we can at least pretend
that Melania's bloodred-berried Christmas trees

are celebratory of science
rather than fairly creepy

probably under stress

and reminiscent
of the "Red Forest"
that occurred after the Chernobyl disaster. 


This poem © 2018 Emily Cooper.

Tuesday, November 20, 2018

About Those Emails

Ivanka Trump
broke federal records rules

by sending government emails
with a private account.

Now that the president
has found himself
in a muddle of hypocrisy

what will he do?

Rather than changing the "her"
in "Lock her up"
to mean his own daughter

or even scrounging up a muddling
passive-aggressive apology

he has portrayed her
as an innocent child
who didn't know any better

some way somehow after hearing her father
bellow Hillary's supposed transgressions on repeat
throughout his campaign.

Whoopsy-daisy.


This poem © 2018 Emily Cooper.

Tuesday, November 13, 2018

Where Credit Is Due

The FBI says
that hate crimes rose by 17 percent
in 2017

marking the third year in a row
that such crimes increased

with an even bigger rise
in anti-Semitic attacks.

This is a rare case
where the president

did deliberate active work
and deserves at least some
of the credit.



This poem © 2018 Emily Cooper.

Tuesday, November 6, 2018

Future Headline

Voice
Of
The
Electorate

Believes
Love
Uplifts
Everyone

Trumps
Offensive
Delusional
Ad-based
Yelling

This poem © 2018 Emily Cooper.

Tuesday, October 30, 2018

President Non Grata

As per usual
Trump is wrong

and cannot grasp
why he is unwelcome in Pittsburgh.

What will stop hateful violence 
is not more tools of violence

but changes in laws
and increases in compassion.

And sometimes people need space to mourn
before a president bombards them
with his worse alternative to "thoughts and prayers"

which is "Tweets and predation".


This poem © 2018 Emily Cooper.

Tuesday, October 23, 2018

National-isms

When Trump added Middle Easterners
to the nearly-6,000-person-strong caravan
en route to the US

he made a mistake

by not just simply saying

"Everyone you hate
is coming in search
of a better life"

and letting his supporters
use their imaginations
to fill in the blank.



This poem © 2018 Emily Cooper.

Tuesday, October 16, 2018

I'ma Let You Finish

Dear America

My MAGA hat gives me super powers
dontcha know.

And some say Trump is racist
and I throw in something quick
about stop and frisk

but on my phone wallpaper
is something Trump needs

and what he needs is a badass plane made by Apple
so he'll look good
and we'll look good.

In sum
Democrats and liberals are the ones
that are focusing on racism
and they like the 13th amendment

because it outlawed slavery

which gave black people welfare
which makes them never achieve anything.

I didn't have a father figure
so it's good Hillary didn't win

because in an alternate universe

I am a loser
with a woman for a president

and my main man Trump
has that male energy
because he is a man.

In closing
the NFL should wear Trump hats

Love Kanye.


This poem © 2018 Emily Cooper.

Tuesday, October 9, 2018

Dear Dishonorable Brett Kavanaugh

Now that you've been sworn in
just remember two things

one
that you were the one
who put America
through a hazing ritual

not the other way around

and two
that RBG is stronger
than she looks.



This poem © 2018 Emily Cooper.

Tuesday, October 2, 2018

HeToo

Dear President Trump

when you say it is

a "very scary time
for young men in America"

for the ones who have sexually assaulted women
or other men

it ought to be

because while there is no witch hunt
to label every man a perpetrator

the tide is slowly slowly turning

and reputations are at stake.

For the other men
known as or aspiring to be
the "good ones"

it is a time to reflect on all sexist behavior

and make a commitment
to support women

even at the cost
of some privilege

and change
even for the better

is scary

but necessary.

Maybe that's what you meant?


This poem © 2018 Emily Cooper.

Tuesday, September 25, 2018

UN-appreciated

Either Trump
is a master of dry humor

or the entire UN
(also known
as the rest of the world)

is laughing at him
not with him

when he says

"In less than two years
my administration has accomplished more

than almost any administration
in the history of our country"

to the people
who in fact
know his country's history

better than he does.




This poem © 2018 Emily Cooper.

Tuesday, September 18, 2018

Judge of Character

Former classmate Mark Judge

also known as the other person in the room
during the alleged attempted assault
of Christine Blasey Ford

has written a charming book
called Wasted: Tales of a GenX Drunk

detailing a misspent youth
at Georgetown Preparatory School

spent with a friend of his
“Bart O’Kavanaugh”

who for example
“passed out on his way back from a party”
and was seen puking
“in someone’s car the other night.”

Also tellingly
throughout the school's 1983 yearbook

are quotes like
"Do these guys beat their wives?"
and "Prep parties raise question of legality."

The photo of Judge himself is captioned
“Certain women should be struck regularly like gongs”
quoting Sir Noel Coward.

What Kavanaugh's defenders forget
is that even if events are misremembered by Ford
that what he did wasn't "so bad"
or there was no wrongdoing by him

is that
unlike many less privileged
or less male youth

he is neither being taken to prison
nor even being levied a hefty fine

but simply being considered
for whether or not he is fit
for a lifetime appointment.

And a note to harassers:

There is already one of yours
on the Supreme Court

and in the Oval Office.




This poem © 2018 Emily Cooper.

Tuesday, September 11, 2018

Hell No We Won't Flo

In case you forgot
just a reminder

that President Trump
will never treat any solemn anniversary
with the seriousness it deserves

nor find a way to take the spotlight off himself
when he does acknowledge it.

He instead started the day
with tweets about Russia

and praise of the currently morally dubious
Rudy Giuliani

and then later did a double fist pump
(not to be confused with the Obamas'
somehow Islamic terrorist-associated fist bump)

upon arriving
at a ceremony in Pennsylvania.

Looking to the near future
it is to be hoped
however fruitlessly

that Trump will finally use
one of his only superpowers
the power of misogyny

against a woman
who truly deserves it

Hurricane Florence.



This poem © 2018 Emily Cooper.

Tuesday, September 4, 2018

Fear and Misplaced Self-Loathing

In Bob Woodward's forthcoming book
entitled Fear

the author reports
a huge bombshell:

that Trump admits
he's made some mistakes.

According to the book
drawn from hundreds of hours of interviews
with firsthand participants and witnesses

or in other words
fact-based

his "biggest fucking mistake"

was condemning
white supremacists
after the 2017 rally

in Charlottesville

which is apparently what he calls
his unwitting follow-up speech

to his initial racist equivocation
of "both sides"

as being equally to blame
for the deadly conflict

and is how Trump
in his charmingly oddball way
arrives at an actual fact:

that despite the reactions
of sensible people

on the balance
he probably wasn't racist enough
for his base.



This poem © 2018 Emily Cooper.

Tuesday, August 28, 2018

The Dear Leader Network

It's pretty obvious
that Trump doesn't like regulations

except when it concerns Google
and its presentation of news about him
in its search results

in which case
he has tweeted rather ominously
that the "Fake New Media"
"will be addressed"

presumably to make them show him
as the figure his followers see:

a man who is very rich
and must be very smart and good
because only the bad people hate him.

Perhaps this is a diplomatic gesture

meant to align the values of our country
with another one
one in which
there is no Internet

and in which the news media

presents its hipster-haircut
baby-faced killer leader
in only the most flattering light
(or else):

North Korea.


This poem © 2018 Emily Cooper.

Tuesday, August 21, 2018

Beatnik-isms

Beyond simply to destroy daily
any of the previous day's remaining positive feelings
the world has for America

the Trump administration
has taken a circuitous route
to giving us poetry

specifically beatnik poetry

for example:

"When I said I would,
I actually meant wouldn't"

because "despite the constant negative press covfefe"

"what you're seeing
and what you're reading
is not what's happening"

because "truth isn't truth"
and you "can't guarantee anything"

but "Sean Spicer
gave alternative facts"

"there is blame
on both sides"

and "the laws are the laws."

Which is to say
"You cannot defeat an enemy
you do not admit exists"

because "they were the masterminds
behind the Bowling Green massacre."

This poem © 2018 Emily Cooper.

Tuesday, August 14, 2018

Weak Link in the Chain

(Sung by Stephen Miller)
(Apologies to Aretha Franklin)

For my career
I thought "I'm just a man"

till Uncle revealed
we migrated in a chain

He said the family hates me
I'm hypocritical
Just 'cause I jail kids yeah
Just 'cause I treat them cruel

I'm added to the
Chain, chain, chain
(Chain, chain, chain)
Chain of fools


This poem © 2018 Emily Cooper.

Tuesday, August 7, 2018

Legally Totaled

Just who would Trump

via Tweet
speech
or deranged rambling to the media that he so hates

not throw under the bus
to protect himself

under the guise
of defending them?

The answer
which should be apparent by now

is no one
not even his children.

This poem © 2018 Emily Cooper.

Tuesday, July 31, 2018

An Optical Collusion

Says Rudy Giuliani
creative defender of the President
who probably due to his interesting

(if somewhat different from Trump's)

relationship with the truth

has gotten to keep his position

"Collusion is not a crime."

There you have it.

Now we can safely ignore
the words of non-liberal Department of Homeland Security Secretary
Kirstjen Nielsen who says

"Let me be clear:
Our intelligence community had it right.
It was the Russians."

"We know that, they know that.
It was directed from the highest levels.
And we cannot
and will not allow it to happen again"

as well as her creation
of the DHS National Risk Management Center

because something probably happened
and Trump and his cohorts probably helped

and it was what it looked like

but what it was
was nothing.

Whew!

This poem © 2018 Emily Cooper.