Friday, October 30, 2015

All Lyin'

Welcome to the House
Paul Ryan.

Perhaps being Mitt Romney's protege
during the 2012 elections

has taught you
valuable lessons

about working with people.

Let it be said

that more than 47 percent
of your people

are dependent
on the government

and you can't
count on them

to take responsibility
for their own lives

nor unfortunately
unlike with most irresponsible folks

can you count
on them
to vote for you.

This poem © 2015 Emily Cooper.

Tuesday, October 27, 2015

In the Black

President Obama

on Monday
struck a budget agreement
with Congress

adding $50 billion in spending
for this fiscal year

divided equally
between domestic and defense needs

and another $16 billion

for emergency war spending.

The tenative deal
contains nothing radical

but is an actual
bipartisan agreement

and does free up Obama

to do some things
any of them
potentially actually radical

or "Fox News radical"
and actual-reality
"about damn time"

in his last 14 months
in office

and quite frequently
both at the same time

particularly when speaking
to the police
about reforming the police.

(You can never tell
with that guy.)

This poem © 2015 Emily Cooper.

Saturday, October 24, 2015

Hill Yes After All

After sitting through
an 11-hour

and now the longest
sitting special committee

in American history

surpassing Iran-Contra

and the Church Committee

which investigated Watergate
the CIA
the FBI and the NSA

Hillary Clinton
thought to herself

"Well this

was just about the stupidest
campaign stop ever.

But at least
I didn't have

a concussion
this time."

This poem © 2015 Emily Cooper.

Wednesday, October 21, 2015

Just Do It

Though the Cubs
have not yet
won the World Series

(though there's still time)

Back to the Future II's
self-lacing sneakers

finally do exist
as the Nike Air Mag

in today's 2015.

Although there's a rumor

that several
key Congress people

already had
the self-raising bootstrap

and mistakenly thought
the rest of the country

and certain demographics
in particular

had them too.

This poem © 2015 Emily Cooper.

Sunday, October 18, 2015

Unreflectable and Unelectable

Donald Trump said something factual

when he tweeted
to Jeb Bush

in response

to Bush's defense
of his brother

who "kept us safe"

during his presidency.

“Jeb why did your brother
attack and destabilize
the Middle East

by attacking Iraq
when there were no weapons
of mass destruction?

Bad info?”

Pretty good info

and intentionally bad judgment

and sadly
the rest is history.

But unfortunately
knowing a candidate's sibling's

well documented

(atypical for Trump
to have actually done research
for his attacks)

and catastrophic failings

still doesn't qualify a man
to be president himself.

Even die-hard progressives
dead set on Bernie Sanders

are doubtful if Larry David
has any political aptitude.

This poem © 2015 Emily Cooper.

Thursday, October 15, 2015

Sanding the Competition

At the Democratic debates
on Tuesday

Bernie Sanders' commented
about Hillary Clinton's

email security issues
which some
would term "scandal"

and though it would seem
the opposite on the surface

"The American people
are sick and tired

of hearing about
your damn emails"

is the
"I'm really happy for you
I'ma let you finish"

of 2015.

Because "finish" he did.

According to online focus groups

with a majority of participants
saying he "won"

for what it's worth

maybe Sanders
is the American people's

chosen acceptable-Kanye-West-debate-substitute
after all.

This poem © 2015 Emily Cooper.

Monday, October 12, 2015

Hell of a Life

The Democratic debates
are being held tomorrow
in Las Vegas

and the party
still lacks
a Donald Trump counterpart.

It's too bad

that Kanye West
will probably not be
crashing the Party

after crashing
the American Idol auditions.

President Obama
dropped him some excellent advice
for his political career

while speaking
with donors in San Francisco
on Saturday.

West likes a challenge

so portraying the presidency
as a thankless office

was a smart use
of reverse psychology.

He began with

“First of all
you’ve got to spend
a lot of time
dealing with some strange characters

who behave like they’re on
a reality TV show

and added that “Saying that you have
a Beautiful Dark Twisted Fantasy"

is "what’s known
as off-message in politics."

He made his final point.

“Do you really think
that this country

is going to elect a black guy
from the South Side of Chicago
with a funny name?"

"That's cray."

This poem © 2015 Emily Cooper.

Friday, October 9, 2015

Trump's Border WALL-E

Donald Trump
and Ben Carson

are the top two
Republican candidates

but Carson assures us
he will not be
Trump's running mate

as he is “very concerned
about the Donald Trump people
in our society.”

Welcome to the club Carson

(and it's a pretty big one

though yours
is fascinating
in its own respects).

We can only hope
he's referring to Trump's supporters

and not
hastily-made replicas

who can individually dedicate themselves

to the latest hot-button topic

and randomly generate unprovoked
and less-than-minimally-informed responses.

(Of course
none of the statements
needs resemble even remotely

anything prior
that was said
by another clone.)

Though any technical malfunctions

in our still-pre-Singularity age

might make "him"
more relatable and lovable 

and dig him ever so slightly

out of his current "Uncanny Valley"
and semi-realistic
but still off-putting facade.

This poem © 2015 Emily Cooper.

Tuesday, October 6, 2015

Ignoble Lies

Three physicists
who are attending

the flagship university
of this poet's home state

the University of North Carolina

were a part of the research team
led by Arthur B. McDonald
of Queens University

and Takaaki Kajita
of the University of Tokyo

who today
have won the Nobel Prize in Physics

for experiments demonstrating
that sub-atomic particles called neutrinos
change identities.

Now this is not
to be confused

with the fact that McDonald's

(how dare
some high-falutin' brainiac Canadian
steal such an all-American name)

implementation of select
all-day breakfast items

lets you change
your "nutritional" identity

to something

for example to that
of a person

"who consumes
an Egg McMuffin

or biscuit

(for the McCrory Belt
and surrounding area)

and hash browns

every time

(not just until 10:30 AM)

a Republican candidate

says something
creatively brazen
or insensitive

about why kindergarten teachers
should have

or why we just shouldn't
do anything anyway

about guns

because criminals
will get them anyway."

After all

banning something
only really seems to work

if it pertains
to women's health

or minority voting rights.

(And why risk
needless democracy?)

This poem © 2015 Emily Cooper.

Saturday, October 3, 2015

Fifteen Repug-allo Candidates Together

Dr. Ben Carson

is six years late

in writing his part
for the Insane Clown Posse's

2009 song "Miracles"

in which the clown-made-up
"horrorcore" rap-rock duo

(whose fans
are lovingly called Juggalos)

express wonderment
with natural phenomena

such as "mountains
the seven seas"

the "sun and the moon
and even Mars

the Milky Way
and fucking shooting stars"

and the phenotypic resemblance
apparent in how "Shaggy's little boy
looks just like Shaggy"

but here it is.

"Just the way the Earth
rotates on its axis

how far away it is
from the sun.

These are all
very complex things.

Gravity where did it come from?"

But just to make it clear

despite his MD

which he used
for operating

on delicate tissue

of humans'
primary thinking apparatus

and for which
he won an award

for "miraculously"

(with a 70-person team
and 22 hours of work)

in 1987
separating conjoined twins

who were attached
at the head

he "don't wanna talk
to a scientist"

about global warming
being something
at least heavily influenced

by human activity

setting the matter with
"Y'all motherfuckers lying
and getting me pissed."

(The good doctor
may care

for neither rap
nor rock

nor presumbly horrorcore  music

but he loved that verse so much
he just had
to say it again.)

This poem © 2015 Emily Cooper.

Thursday, October 1, 2015

Reverse Sequestration Operation

If you still have
your government job

it's time to give
dubious thanks
to the folks in Congress.

Deep into his second term

that's something that Obama

has become
quite good at doing

and is likely
both nonplussed

and flabbergasted

at any of the near misses

frustrated people everywhere
now claim as weary victories

which take us
back to square one
instead of somewhere

completely off the game board.

"The good news
is that it looks like the Republicans

will just barely avoid
shutting down the government

for the second time
in two years.

That's a somewhat low bar
but we should celebrate
where we can.

The bad news
is that it looks like Republicans

will just barely avoid
shutting down the government again

for the second time
in two years."

This poem © 2015 Emily Cooper.