Tuesday, April 16, 2019

Trump International

The President graciously offered his idea
on how to extinguish the fire
at Notre Dame

in short
flying water tanks

because if there's anyone
whose expertise we value
in preserving very old
and very historic buildings

it's Donald Trump.

This poem © 2019 Emily Cooper.

Tuesday, April 9, 2019

Kava-no Surprise

Supreme Court Justice Brett Kavanaugh
has been hired

by the George Mason University law school
to teach a summer course

and not one
in his field of expertise of
"How to Commit Sexual Assault
and Still Get Chosen
for the Highest Court
in the Land"

and students on campus are protesting.

In other news
women's well-being going ignored
is the old normal

remixed into a somehow worse new normal
by a president who doesn't really care

because he sympathizes
with the accused.

This poem © 2019 Emily Cooper.

Tuesday, April 2, 2019

Border Disorder

It's the president
in a nutshell:

Imagine a crisis

(in this case
at the Southern border)

and using made-up facts

propose a terrible solution

(in this case
shutting down said border)

and then tell Congress
to pass his terrible legislative ideas

in order to prevent
his terrible solution

(one he may stick with anyway
despite Congress's actions)

to his imaginary problem
from being implemented.

This poem © 2019 Emily Cooper.

Tuesday, March 26, 2019

Cliffhanger Notes

"While this report
does not conclude
that the president committed a crime

it also does not exonerate him”

says Attorney General William Barr
quoting Mueller

in the summary
of the Mueller report.

So President Trump

Eat and tweet
and watch Fox News

and in general relax and be merry

before the full report is released

but know that every time you speak

you get closer to
accidentally revealing the truth
about what you did do

as it relates to Russia or not.

Because saying too much
is sort of your "thing"
(among others).

(Oh and happy birthday
Nancy Pelosi.)

This poem © 2019 Emily Cooper.

Tuesday, March 19, 2019

Deliberate Wins the Race

That wacky Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez
is up to no good again.

This time she's tweeting crazy things like
“White supremacists
committed the largest #
of extremist killings in 2017,”

quoting the loony Southern Poverty Law Center

and going on to say
low-IQ things like

“What the President is saying here: 
‘if you engage in violent acts
of white supremacy,
I will look the other way.’

Understand that this is deliberate.
This is why we can’t afford
to sit on the sidelines.”

Good thing we have a president
who stands up to hate

by reminding all of us
and especially the most vulnerable
to said acts
in our own country

that only a small number of people

actually do these things.

Whew!


This poem © 2019 Emily Cooper.

Tuesday, March 12, 2019

Web for a Whirled World

Happy 30th Birthday
World Wide Web.

And thank you Tim Berners-Lee
for giving the average person
the ability to obsess about Trump's past, present, and future misdeeds
at all hours of the day and night
even at the expense
of little things like mental health

without (unless we're watching a video)
having to turn on the TV
and actually hear and see him.

This poem © 2019 Emily Cooper.

Tuesday, March 5, 2019

Type A Negative

Dear President Trump

Alabama just had
a terrible tornado
and the people there certainly deserve aid.

But do you only give
the "A Plus treatment"

to the places
that voted for you?

This poem © 2019 Emily Cooper.

Tuesday, February 26, 2019

Not-So-Silent H

Dear Senator Thom Tillis

Thank you for being a Republican
from North Carolina

and writing an op-ed
against Trump's declaration
of a national emergency
for a border wall

for the Washington Post.

"I am a member of the Senate
and I have grave concerns when our institution
looks the other way

at the expense
of weakening Congress’s power"

you say

and commenting on Obama's prior use
of a national emergency
to defer action
against undocumented immigrants

you add

"There is no intellectual honesty
in now turning around and arguing

that there’s an imaginary asterisk
attached to executive overreach — 
that it’s acceptable for my party
but not thy party."

Despite having other talking points
that this poet does not agree with

thank you again sincerely for being
from her home state

and for saying
you will vote in favor
of a bill
disapproving of the President's national emergency declaration.

Now be quiet.

This poem © 2019 Emily Cooper.

Tuesday, February 19, 2019

Emergent Properties

Dear Mr. President
Thank you for the declaration
of a national emergency.

We know just how much of a threat to our country
illegal immigration is
by the fact that you waited
more than two years

to declare it as such.

However if on the off chance
you meant that your continued presidency
is a national emergency

well then
welcome to the club.

This poem © 2019 Emily Cooper.

Tuesday, February 12, 2019

Must Loathe Dogs

Last November
while promoting her new album
Barbra Streisand asked a worthy question
of the Los Angeles Times

“How does the president not have a dog?
He’s the first president in 120 years
that doesn’t have a dog in the White House.”

Last night at a very necessary
self-congratulatory rally in El Paso
Trump responded

“I wouldn’t mind having one, honestly
but I don’t have any time"

then added
presumably rhetorically
"How would I look
walking a dog on the White House lawn?”

Nonetheless
the answer is
"Like a lying asshole with a dog
who gives its owner
the cat-like contempt
that he so richly deserves."


This poem © 2019 Emily Cooper.

Tuesday, February 5, 2019

Haiku of the Union

Turn off the TV
for Trump's State of the Union.
Save valuable time.

It will be fact free
and equal parts bombastic
and fear inducing.

All news is fake news.
Bad is their fault; good is mine.
Blame Dems for your doom.

This poem © 2019 Emily Cooper.

Tuesday, January 29, 2019

Cast the First Stone

Roger Stone

the man Hank Hill's father Cotton
from King of the Hill would be
if he were taller and real

and one of the only people
to actually vocalize the word "libtard"
rather than just writing it
in YouTube comments

has pleaded not guilty
to charges from the Mueller probe.

Anagrams of his name
include the descriptive "ego snorter"
and the foretelling "regret soon"

and if you include his middle name Jason
you also get "Orange Senor Jots"
and "Oranger Jest Soon"

for the inevitable "I never liked him" tweet
from the President.



















This poem © 2019 Emily Cooper.

Tuesday, January 22, 2019

Greater Than

When asked by Stephen Colbert
"On a scale of zero to some
how many fucks do you give"

about her fellow Democrats
telling her to "go slow"
on her ambitious policy proposals

Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez replied
"I think it's, um, zero."

This poem © 2019 Emily Cooper.

Tuesday, January 15, 2019

NoFundMe

Brian Koflage Jr.
organizer of the GoFundMe
to fund the building 
of the wall

has declared that the delusional donors' money
will no longer
go to the federal government

and will instead fund a new nonprofit
called We Build the Wall, Inc.

Because of this change
donors must opt-in
to accept the redirection of their funds
or receive a full refund.

Koflage believes his team
is “better equipped than our own government
to use the donated funds
to build an actual wall
on the southern border".

What will likely happen
is that on day 365 of the government shutdown

the promises of the nonprofit
remaining unfulfilled

all seven Trump supporters
who are still mad enough to do something about it
will gather together at the border
to build their own wall

marvel at how
wall-building is quite hard

stop marveling at this fact
before they accidentally appreciate
the labor of immigrants

and finally unveil
their creation

which stands
at all of 20 feet wide
and 3 feet high.

Then Trump will declare victory

Republicans in Congress
will say something in praise
of those seven American workers

Democrats will be happy
with its size

everyone else will be exhausted

and the government will be reopened.

This poem © 2019 Emily Cooper.

Tuesday, January 8, 2019

A Lie Repeated Often Enough

As the shutdown stretches on

Trump

tonight at 9:00 PM Eastern Time

through his second-favorite medium

of television

will be making his case
for the border wall

but he's wasting his

and everyone else's time

because he could just say
the wall was already built

and sooner or later

(probably sooner)
he and his supporters
would believe it.

This poem © 2019 Emily Cooper.

Tuesday, January 1, 2019

Trump Said It Best

Says Trump MAGA-nanimously
in all caps:
"HAPPY NEW YEAR TO EVERYONE, INCLUDING THE HATERS 
AND THE FAKE NEWS MEDIA!

2019 WILL BE A FANTASTIC YEAR
FOR THOSE NOT SUFFERING
FROM TRUMP DERANGEMENT SYNDROME.

JUST CALM DOWN
AND ENJOY THE RIDE,
GREAT THINGS ARE HAPPENING FOR OUR COUNTRY!"

For once
Trump invented something good

as Trump Derangement Syndrome
is a great name
for an affliction

although in actuality
its primary sufferer
is not the media
but the president himself

for holding hundreds of thousands
of jobs hostage
in the hopes Democrats will indulge
his penis-size metaphor. 



This poem © 2019 Emily Cooper.