May Poll

(Sung around the May Pole)
(Adapted from old English May Day song "Padstow Hobby Horse")

Unite and unite
(Brian Russell)
and let us all unite
(Skip Andrews)

for poll-summer (Marco Rubio)
is a-coming today
(Ted Cruz)

and whither we are going
(Kerry Bowers)

we all will as-if unite
(Chris Hill)

in the Prez "Barry" scorning
(Michael Petyo) 

of May
(Michael Kinlaw).

The declared candidates
(John Dummett, Jr.)
of the GOP
they might if they would

for poll-summer is a-coming today
(Rand Paul)

they might have (Mark Everson) built a 'paign
with unkept promises

Fox News would call bold

in the Prez "Barry" scorning
of May.

The exploring maidens
(Carly Fiorina)

of the GOP and the men
(Rick Santorum)

they might if they would

for poll-summer
(Bobby Jindal)
is a-coming today
(Lindsey Graham)

they might defend the blue blood
with the stars white
(Rick Perry)
and stripes red 

in the Prez "Barry" scorning
of May
(Dr. Ben Carson).

Now fare you well
(George Pataki)
and we bid you all good cheer
(Dennis Michael Lynch)

for poll-summer (Mike Huckabee)
is a-coming today
(Jeb Bush).

Till you call still more
(Chris Christie)

unto the White House
in another year
(Donald Trump)

in the Prez "Barry" scorning
of May.

This poem © 2015 Emily Cooper.

Ogden National Treasures

Donald Trump's Spring has sprung

(more than a month late
but whatever)

his renewed desire
to upend Obama has "riz"

and only he thinks
that putting him in charge

is where
the revolutionary change
in America's heart is.

This poem © 2015 Emily Cooper.

Mis-under-esteemed Colleagues

It's both reasonable and a duty
for American citizens

to keep their presidents in check
when it comes

to how they conduct
their affairs

(well really 
"our" affairs

as he is
one of us)

in far-off lands.

And technically
former President George W. Bush
is an American citizen

so there should be nothing 
ironic or strange
about him being concerned

with Obama causing "chaos"
in the Middle East

and giving him advice.

Nope

he's just doing his duty.

(It probably
just seems weird

because we haven't
heard from him
in a while.)


This poem © 2015 Emily Cooper.

Lead Me On

On day 166

the Loretta Lynch
Attorney General confirmation status

is still no.

Oh wait

the Loretta Lynch
Attorney General confirmation status

has just been updated
to yes.

Forgive us
our incredulity

when documenting
this breakneck speed

of bipartisan decision-making

(with one of the "Yea" votes

being cuddly and lovable
stalwart of change

Majority Leader
Mitch McConnell)

in Congress.

This poem © 2015 Emily Cooper.

Drill Baby Drill

Even liberal-leaning Millennials

don't universally love

the Buzzfeed-ification

of journalism

but sometimes

we have no other choice

to get our point across.

So this Earth Day

and beyond

Please Don't "D" Over

Our Earth

("D" standing for "Drill"

obviously

for what else

could it possibly mean?)

or we'll be left

with a "Dearth"

and that's pretty bad

right?

Now weep as you imagine

these 25 endangered habitats

covered in avocado

and/or Nutella.

This poem © 2015 Emily Cooper.

One Toke Over the Line

There's some sad news

for any environmentally-conscious potheads

who want to toke the pain away

about California's drought.

The average marijuana plant

uses a whopping six gallons

of water per day

while wine grapes

by comparison

take only 3.3 gallons.

You may also be putting

freshwater salmon and trout

in danger

and since many other animals

feed on these fish

it could affect the entire food chain.

On the bright side

maybe some pothead

with a capitalist streak

can devise a synthetic

gluten-free "Paleo Weed"

based on what cavemen and -women

used to buy

from their friendly underground dealers

before plants were invented.

This poem © 2015 Emily Cooper.

Little Red Menace

Elmo may be
a red and fuzzy
pint-sized irritation

who refers to himself
in the third person
(or third muppet)

and even gets
his own strange little "World"

but when he's teamed up
with US Surgeon General Vivek Murthy
and the Department of Health and Human Services

after the conclusion
of the California measles outbreak

to tell parents the importance
of getting vaccinated

maybe the kids
should turn up the volume.

This poem © 2015 Emily Cooper.

Chopped and Skewed

Over the past few years

scientists studying chimpanzees
who live
in the Fongoli region of Senegal

have amassed evidence
revealing that females
are more likely than males

to hunt and skewer their food

(typically adorable-but-less-creepy
fuzzy Furby-like creatures
commonly called "bush babies")

using skewers
made from tree branches

as opposed to their bare hands.

As to how this relates

to Hillary Clinton
making an un-publicized stop
at Chipotle

this remains to be seen

by Fox News's
Science Advisory Board

(and only after
a careful and thorough investigation

with absolutely
no hyperbole

in its presentation
of the facts).


This poem © 2015 Emily Cooper.

Destiny Produces the Man

President Obama
plans to remove Cuba

from the State Department's list
of nations that sponsor terror.

For we shall no longer
base our national policy

on the cautionary tale
provided by The Simpsons

when Homer

(after providing false information
on his taxes
and hoping to stay
out of jail)

Mr. Burns and Smithers

are sent by the FBI
to try to obtain
a trillion-dollar bill

that Mr. Burns
didn't deliver to Europe
after World War II.

Mr. Burns debates
over whether to hand over
a trillion-dollar bill
to Fidel Castro

and Homer says
"Mr. Burns
I think we can trust
the President of Cuba"

who is begged
to give it back

but to the surprise of no one
asks "What bill?"

and the trio
end up taking a raft
back to the US.

And now
Republican Presidential hopeful
Marco Rubio

whose parents fled Cuba
(though well before Castro ruled)

will either have to stop
endorsing the US

in his speeches to Americans

as a concept
his party is willing to defend

(as we were all too willing
to negotiate)

or flee to a country
where political feuds
against perceived enemies never end.

If he were smart

he'd stay here
and try to one-up Hillary
on immigration.

Rumor has it
that in recent years

she's visited more than a handful
of foreign countries

under closely-guarded circumstances

(all endorsed
by the Obama administration).

This poem © 2015 Emily Cooper.

The Carolina Charter

Goodbye North Carolina historian

William Stevens Powell

who died on Friday
at the age of 95.

You wrote more than one hundred
books and articles

chronicling the state
this poet calls home.

So do tell us

whether we can learn
from the past

or are doomed to repeat
Governor Pat McCrory
and Company's
(so to speak)

future?

This poem © 2015 Emily Cooper.

Rand-om Acts of Open-Mindedness

Attention all workers

Rand Paul believes
in the dignity and value of work.

Is this guy
some kind of socialist?

He certainly doesn't think

any oppressive government regulations
should be put in place

that might hinder your ability
to enjoy your dignity.

So nope

not a socialist.

However even with
his more-libertarian positions watered down
to match those of
the elite GOP base

if he's still at all serious
about reducing mass incarceration

and fulfilling his dream
of a world

where "any law that disproportionately incarcerates
people of color
is repealed"

for them

that might be
a crisis of conscience.

This poem © 2015 Emily Cooper.

No Gaytering

Memories Pizza's
baked with nearly a million
in homophobes' bucks

and it's made with love.

This poem © 2015 Emily Cooper.

Outsource Your Convictions

Just a reminder to Jeb Bush

that even though "Hispanic"

is counted as an ethnicity
and not a race
on the Census

and we don't doubt
that you have Mexican and Venezuelan
"street cred"

via your wife Columba
and a stint as an English teacher
in your mid-20s
respectively

exploring the possibility
of entering the presidential race

has nothing to do
with re-enacting

an ancient Dave Chappelle skit
on your signed
voter-registration form.

When you once said

that you didn't think that
"a party can aspire
to be the majority party
if it's the old white guy party"

you could also
try to stand out
amongst your fellow Republicans

by trying a new tack
of actually being your "own man"

and stop mooching
off your brother George.

This poem © 2015 Emily Cooper.

Passing Through

When the human race
enters a New New World

what will that mean
we've left behind?

According to a Passover Haggadah
written 40 years ago

it might be

"the making of war
the teaching of hate and violence
despoliation of the earth

perversion of justice
and of government"

(though it provides this poet
with very much material)

"fomenting of vice and crime
neglect of human needs
oppression of nations and peoples
corruption of culture

subjugation of science
learning and human discourse"

and "the erosion of freedoms".

Some things never change

but repeating that line
won't change them either.


This poem © 2015 Emily Cooper.

Better Be What You Want

Ken Hughes

a researcher
at the University of Virginia

wanted a tiny sliver
of the Nixon-era tapes
he's spent his career studying

but was denied.

The Obama administration
is keeping secret

four seconds
of audio from
January 12 1973

because according to
a National Security Agency spokesperson

the information contained
in the span of time

it takes for Buzzfeed
to create and dissolve
its own memes

"would reveal information
that would impair
U.S. cryptologic systems or activities."

Historians concur
that the segment

probably refers to Lyndon Johnson
threatening to expose
the Nixon presidential campaign's attempts

to derail the 1968
peace talks in Paris

right when a little thing
called the Vietnam War
was going on.

Some would argue
in favor of its declassification

for freedom-of-information reasons.

However it really is
a detriment to pop music

as Madonna just released
her latest album "Rebel Heart"

and she could've made
a follow-up to her 2008 hit
with Justin Timberlake and Timbaland 
"4 Minutes"

called "4 Seconds."

Because maybe sometimes

"we only got 4 seconds
to save the world"

but at least
it has a good beat.

This poem © 2015 Emily Cooper.

The Future of Resistance

(Sung by Indiana Governor Mike Pence)
(Apologies to Leonard Cohen)

There are fewer folks that side

side with my intentions

and I'm nothing
but the spirit

of my measures anymore.

The boycotts
the boycotts
have crossed the threshold

and I have overwritten
the words with words

to Band-Aid
this discrimination hole.

When they said "Fuck Pence"
"Fuck Pence"
"Fuck Pence"

I wonder what they meant?

This poem © 2015 Emily Cooper.

Noah's Arc

Welcome to the Daily Show
Trevor Noah.

You may be well known
in your home country

of South Africa
on "Tonight with Trevor Noah".

However we Americans
know two things

about your home

which are Nelson Mandela
and fake sign language

presented at world-broadcasted funerals
for the same.

Please Trevor
at least in these early weeks
while we're still warming up

to holding
a third piece of information
about South Africa
in our heads

do play gently with us.

This poem © 2015 Emily Cooper.

Lahontan Cutthroat Trout

Goodbye Harry Reid

(at least when you leave
on January third 2017).

We'll remember fondly
your bold policy endorsements

your excoriation
of the Koch brothers

and that time in July 1978
when you chaired
the Nevada Gaming Commission

and a man named Jack Gordon
tried to bribe you
with $12,000

to approve new gaming devices
for casino use

and instead of reciting
your one line
"Is this the money?
as rehearsed

you instead got up
and strangled him.

This poem © 2015 Emily Cooper.

You May Say He's a Dreamer

It's already too late
for Ted Cruz.

He now has enrolled
his family into Obamacare

and according to the White House

he's overcome his 21-hour-filibuster
of the Affordable Care Act

and actually likes it.

How will he be reconciling
his benefiting
from government-sponsored health care

with his very recent pledge
to "repeal every word"
of the law?

Perhaps by changing his stance
on this issue?

Or maybe
just like a petty cartoon villain

by keeping it for himself
and not letting
anyone else have it

because certainly
his constituents

don't believe in entitlements.

This poem © 2015 Emily Cooper.

A Quiet Storm

(Apologies to Smokey Robinson)
(Sung by Ted Cruz)

America let's Cruz
away from here

For 2016
the way is clear

A Falwell-er or not
you'll want us forever

though I'm a
one-term senate "baby".

Let my just-as-calculated-as-Hillary's
country campaign music
take your mind

Just release and you will find.

America's gonna fly away

to God's and Jesus'
and my way

I love it
when we're Cruz-ing together.

This poem © 2015 Emily Cooper.

No New Tachles

Just won the Israeli election

and Netanyahu
has already backtracked

on his promise
to keep Israel

a completely undisputed
and non-volatile
one-state solution.

Even the first George Bush
told us
"No new taxes"

and yet was subject
to the Obama administration's

re-stitching of the very fabric
of time itself

to make his decisions
conform to the liberal agenda.

How else to explain it?

So when you
make your brackets

remember that Obama
has not yet wished him

a "Happy Heedless Bilateral" agreement
as is usually done

while in process
of re-evaluating his administration's approach
to peace talks.

Sadly you may
have to place your bets

squarely in the socialist camp

if you want to win
your office pool.

This poem © 2015 Emily Cooper.