The Art of the Deal

In an event
which is newsworthy

for being far less a failure

than some
(well perhaps everyone)

would wish or expect

Bernie Sanders
took his populist message

to the evangelical Christian college
in Lynchburg Virginia

Liberty University.

Referring to "massive injustice
in terms of wealth
and income inequality"

he said

"Maybe just maybe

we can try to work together
to resolve that."

Though his statements
supporting abortion and gay marriage

got only scattered applause and cheers
from a small section
of the crowd

evidence of his wizardry

was apparent in the words
of Nathan White
a pro-life and "capitalist" junior from Houston

who said "I'm glad they invited him
but I wouldn't vote for him."

No word yet

on whether Donald Trump is jealous

but maybe Sanders
should be jealous

as you can create your own masterpieces
using his head as a paintbrush

at PaintWithDonaldTrump.com

while no such website
has yet been made

for the Jewish socialist
from Vermont.

This poem © 2015 Emily Cooper.

Sign of the Covenant

Does it matter

that some would perceive

a rainbow appearing
over the One World Trade Center

on the eve
of the anniversary
of the attacks

as something more divine
and Biblical

than the sun
meeting the rain?

It's better than making a war

out of fear.


This poem © 2015 Emily Cooper.

And So Can He

Stephen "Col-bear"
of Report fame
has died

but Stephen "Col-bert"
of Late Show fame
is born.

His first musical guest

is New Late Show
bandleader Jon Batiste.

And just like that

everyone will forget
how to correctly pronounce

every other fake French
stage name

(but hopefully not "Jon").

Not to mention Col-bear's show
was broadcast to Real Americans
who believe in Truthiness

while Col-bert
now also has to appeal
to Fake Americans

as his real self.

That would make anybody feel vulnerable
and it's our Fake American duty

to Bert the burden
along with him.


This poem © 2015 Emily Cooper.

Boo Hoo of Kentucky

If Kim Davis
goes to jail

and doesn't realize

that when Jesus wept
He wept for people like her

because the hill
on which she is willing
to give up the clerkship

is so pathetic
and so hypocritical

in light of her own
three divorces

does that make
her bigotry sound?

Her lawyer
would seem to think so. 

But oddly enough
those who support
the law of the land

are aligned with

the Westboro Baptist Church

who believe
that she had a hand

in breaking God's law
and enabling "fag marriage"

and should be in jail for that.

Morality is confusing.

This poem © 2015 Emily Cooper.

Cataclysmic Catechism

The Pope is putting
the 'mobile in gear

in preparation
for the United States leg
of his world tour.

He will arrive
in Washington, D.C.
on September 23.

A school in a poor East Harlem neighborhood
is planting chrysanthemums

to liven up
barren flowerbeds

and show they're taking care
of their community.

Gift shops

are stocking up
on equal parts

sincere and heretical
Pope plushie dolls.

And Republican members of Congress
running for president in 2016

are agonizing over
which level of forgiveness

will keep them from
alienating their base

(and he's now
more pro-choice

or at least

more pro-forgiving of the
"sin of abortion"

than they are).

This poem © 2015 Emily Cooper.

Fractional Geometry

Republican presidential candidate
Donald Trump
has disappointed us all

yet again

as it was not he
who proposed the idea

for a border wall
between the US and Canada

as had seemed
his destiny to do

but rather

Republican presidential candidate
Scott Walker

who is graciously granting us
the opportunity

to xenophobically defend
twice as many American borders

and yet has lost
his once dominant position

in the straw polls
as Trump surges ahead
to be the frontrunner.

It's now up to Trump
to earn his first-place position

by promising
that nations of all lands

along America's infinite border
(according to fractal geometry)

foot the bill
for the border wall.

This poem © 2015 Emily Cooper.

Misunderestimating the Undersecretary

President Obama
traveled to New Orleans

to commemorate
the 10th anniversary of Hurricane Katrina.

"The world watched in horror.
The music in the air
suddenly was dark and silent"

he said

yet noted
how well the city
in many ways
had recovered from the storm.

"I'm here to say
that on that project

of a better stronger
more just New Orleans

the progress you've made
is remarkable."

Yet this poet is reminded
of how different

the tone of her commentary

would've been
had it been started

in the previous administration.

Starting this week
and for many following weeks thereafter

it would go

"Bushie you're doing
a String-of-Expletives

of a job

(again)."

This poem © 2015 Emily Cooper.

Biden His Time

According to a senior Democrat

President Obama has given
Vice President Joe Biden

his "blessing"
to make a bid

for the White House.

The decision is his alone

though he has gotten
and will continue to get

input from husband-and-wife team
Anita Dunn and Bob Bauer

a former White House Communications Director
and White House Counsel
respectively

who were each heavily involved
in Obama's 2008 campaign

and Steve Ricchetti
Biden's chief of staff.

One imagines Obama's blessing

went something as follows.

"Barry look
I gotta do something.

The Onion
totally paints me

as a womanizing
dope-dealing
reckless party boy.

But that's not
who I am.

I'm a blue-collar boy from Delaware.

I can give the people
what they want
because I think like they do."

Obama has his back turned.

"Listen Joe

The Onion is satire.

No one really thinks

you're like that

except for Donald Trump's base

and they'll believe anything."

Biden answers

"Yes exactly.

Look Barry

Trump's an asshole

but he's an asshole with chutzpah

who's running for President."

Obama takes his time

then finally turns around.

"Just so we're clear here

being President

ain't an easy gig.

Why don't you go back

to being a lawyer

and make a difference that way?

People loved you.

I was a community organizer

before I took office."

Biden is persistent.

"But I gotta prove it

to them Barry.

If Trump can do it

why can't I?

No way they'll make fun

of the highest office in the land.

The Onion doesn't do that."

Finally

not quite believing

he's speaking the words

that are leaving his mouth

"Fine. Go for it."

"Great" says Biden

then as he leaves
laughs and yells back

"I'll save you a seat
in the house."


This poem © 2015 Emily Cooper.

Carters for Humanity

"Is Donald Trump
the Jimmy Carter of 2016?"

asks the headline
for the Chicago Tribune.

Now it may be true
that the neurons in one's brain

devoted to coming up with an answer
to that question

are overloaded with "WTF?".

But to be totally
fair and balanced

we will do a scientific
side-by-side "debate"

on immigration.

Carter says

"We are
of course

a nation of immigrants

but some of us too often
forget that fact.

Sometimes we forget
that the question isn't

when we came here
but why we came here."

Thank you.

And Trump?

“They have to go.

What they’re doing
they’re having a baby.

And then all of a sudden
nobody knows

the baby’s here.”

And thank you.

Thus ends the debate

and in the future
we kindly request

that the eighth-largest newspaper
in the United States

and even perhaps

the more highly-ranked ones

quit with the "basic"
Cards Against Humanity answers

for headline
and article inspiration

and to instead
go with its brand-new "on fleek" rival

"The Metagame"

where you can
pick one of six games

and choose to
"debate and discuss"

"make careful strategic decisions"

or "play as fast as possible."

Carter did those first two things
as president

while Trump has never not
in his eternal campaign for himself

done the last one.



This poem © 2015 Emily Cooper.

Straight Outta Reality

Much to the chagrin
of all those living in Compton

the new musical biopic

(and the most successful
of all time
grossing $60.2 million worldwide
in its opening weekend)

about the censorship-defying N.W.A.

"Straight Outta Compton"

is not actually showing in Compton

due to the city's
lack of movie theaters.

This poem © 2015 Emily Cooper.

Gets You On His Wavelength

President Obama
has shared with all his 3.66 million
Twitter followers

two Spotify playlists
featuring all his favorite summer jams

one for the day
when he's keeping
his temples from bursting

and the other for nighttime
after he's said his piece

because he's almost 7 years in
and he doesn't have
to take this anymore.

Featured artists include Howlin' Wolf
Isley Brothers
Bob Marley
Rolling Stones

all the way to Coldplay
Beyonce
Justin Timberlake

Florence + The Machine
and the Lumineers

but perhaps
the most stand-out inclusion

for humorous and sober
(so to speak)
and all combinations thereof

poets of the world

just five short weeks
short of the artist's 81st birthday

is Leonard Cohen's "Suzanne".

But it raises the question

as to whether he has
a third and secret playlist

featuring just one song
on repeat

a later Cohen tune
called "Democracy"

and whether he sings
ever-so-softly before he turns out the light
the anthemic chorus

"Democracy is comin'
to the USA".

This poem © 2015 Emily Cooper.

Worst Thing Since Obamacare

A researcher working on a book
about Dr. Martin Luther King Jr.

has unearthed
a previously-undiscovered first version

of his "I Have A Dream" speech

which he presented
nearly a year

before he famously delivered it
in Washington D.C.
in 1963.

While a fascinating find
there's still the lingering question

of what he would've
said today

which is tragically unanswerable
for certain

that is unless
just maybe

Black Republican
2016 Presidential Candidate
Dr. Ben Carson

and the closest to a scientist
or former scientist
in the field

has the answer

which is that
"We have the purveyors of hatred

who take every single incident
between people of two races

and try to make
a race war out of it."

Well okay then

there you have it.

It's not like anybody's
bringing up issues

in order to help solve them

and interestingly
under this logic

the GOP can claim
the moral high ground
on this issue

when they neglect
to address it at all.

This poem © 2015 Emily Cooper.

Just His Time of the Month

Let it be said

that this poet
is no great fan

(to say the least)

of Fox News pundit
and host of the first Republican debate
in Cleveland Ohio

Megyn Kelly

but she struck a chord

when she told Trump
"You’ve called women
you don’t like

fat pigs
dogs
slobs and disgusting animals"

mentioning his making fun
of women's looks on Twitter

and the time he told
a Celebrity Apprentice contestant

that it would be 
"a pretty picture
to see her on her knees"

and concluded with

"Does that sound to you
like the temperament of a man
we should elect as president?

And how do you answer the charge
from Hillary Clinton

that you are part
of the war on women?"

And Trump

rather than claiming those comments
were made in anger

or as a joke

or by some version of himself
swayed to nastiness
by the left-wing media

instead embraced them

and said
"I think the big problem
this country has
is being politically correct."

In an interview with CNN's
Don Lemon on Friday

he made the perfectly innocuous comment

"You could see

there was blood
coming out of her eyes

blood coming out
of her wherever."

(Of course he meant
her nose.)

It was so innocuous

that Trump was uninvited
by longtime Fox News contributor
Erick Erickson

from the RedState Gathering
in Atlanta

and Kelly was invited
in his stead.

This poem © 2015 Emily Cooper.

Confusing Yourselves With Real Journalists

Goodbye Jon Stewart

and thanks
for teaching this poet

that making it fake

is the first step
to keeping it real.

Even Bill O'Reilly must concede

that you're someone
who "actually thinks about things

from time to time."


This poem © 2015 Emily Cooper.

H.B. BHO 54

Happy 54th Birthday

to President Obama.

The rest of the country

promises to stay out of trouble

(or at least

keep up appearances)

so you can feel free

to just enjoy the day.

(Congress even recessed

a few days ago

just for you.)

This poem © 2015 Emily Cooper.

Trump's Beef

It's already past time
for Donald Trump

and his Twitter followers

to start using
a new hashtag

of #TrumpIsBipartisan

after he tweeted
(and deleted)
one idle Thursday in April

that he is willing to work with Democrats
for the good of all

and Bill Clinton
had many policies

he had warmed up to
due to the former president's
pragmatic center-left ideology

that embraced
the business community
and allowed his companies to thrive

but that he just couldn't see
the country

being in that same "position"

(the word he afterwards thought
might incite sensationalist commentary

on unrelated events
rather than serious discussion)

with Hillary.

(As with all
embarrassing tweets

some socialist actor
named Lenny Jacobson had already
captured a screenshot

and was quick to take his words
completely out of context.)

Which of course
is what he meant

by "If Hillary Clinton
can't satisfy her husband

what makes her think
she can satisfy America?"

Which is why Viagra
always includes a warning

to "Seek immediate medical help
if you experience
a presidential career

lasting longer than 4 years."

And hey

it might not hurt
Donald Trump

to pop something blue
in his mouth now

just in case
he wants to be ready
when the moment's right.

This poem © 2015 Emily Cooper.

Boehner of Our Existence

North Carolina Representative
Mark Meadows

one of the Republicans'
most conservative voices

has introduced a motion
for Speaker John Boehner
to "vacate the chair."

He said
that "It's really more about
trying to have a conversation

on making this place work
where everybody's voice matters
where there's not a punitive culture." 

Boehner cried

at this symbolic statement
that is unlikely to oust him

but it was out of joy
not sadness

as he thought to himself

"I couldn't sue Obama
but at least one person

remembers I'm still here."

This poem © 2015 Emily Cooper.

Trump Excelsior

Happy 237th birthday
to the state of New York

which joined our union
as the eleventh state
in 1778.

Thank you for providing
the infrastructure and circumstances

for Donald Trump to exist

a quadruple draft-dodger

who can call a tortured prisoner of war
a coward

and can grossly exaggerate
campaign crowds

and claim attendance
of 20,000 supporters

or 10 times bigger

than the legal occupancy
of the building in which
they are held

and turn all negative publicity

into proof that vast swarths
see his true power

and are cowering in fear.

He need not be elected

nor told that he
has not been elected

but rather left to enjoy
his presidential fantasy camp.

This poem © 2015 Emily Cooper.