Trump's Border WALL-E

Donald Trump
and Ben Carson

are the top two
Republican candidates

but Carson assures us
he will not be
Trump's running mate

as he is “very concerned
about the Donald Trump people
in our society.”

Welcome to the club Carson

(and it's a pretty big one

though yours
is fascinating
in its own respects).

We can only hope
he's referring to Trump's supporters

and not
hastily-made replicas

who can individually dedicate themselves

to the latest hot-button topic

and randomly generate unprovoked
and less-than-minimally-informed responses.

(Of course
none of the statements
needs resemble even remotely

anything prior
that was said
by another clone.)

Though any technical malfunctions

in our still-pre-Singularity age

might make "him"
more relatable and lovable 

and dig him ever so slightly

out of his current "Uncanny Valley"
and semi-realistic
but still off-putting facade.



This poem © 2015 Emily Cooper.

Ignoble Lies

Three physicists
who are attending

the flagship university
of this poet's home state

the University of North Carolina

were a part of the research team
led by Arthur B. McDonald
of Queens University

and Takaaki Kajita
of the University of Tokyo

who today
have won the Nobel Prize in Physics

for experiments demonstrating
that sub-atomic particles called neutrinos
change identities.

Now this is not
to be confused

with the fact that McDonald's

(how dare
some high-falutin' brainiac Canadian
steal such an all-American name)

implementation of select
all-day breakfast items

lets you change
your "nutritional" identity

to something
not-so-noble

for example to that
of a person

"who consumes
an Egg McMuffin

or biscuit

(for the McCrory Belt
and surrounding area)

and hash browns

every time

(not just until 10:30 AM)

a Republican candidate

says something
creatively brazen
or insensitive

about why kindergarten teachers
should have

or why we just shouldn't
do anything anyway

about guns

because criminals
will get them anyway."

After all

banning something
only really seems to work

if it pertains
to women's health

or minority voting rights.

(And why risk
needless democracy?)


This poem © 2015 Emily Cooper.

Fifteen Repug-allo Candidates Together

Dr. Ben Carson

is six years late

in writing his part
for the Insane Clown Posse's

2009 song "Miracles"

in which the clown-made-up
"horrorcore" rap-rock duo

(whose fans
are lovingly called Juggalos)

express wonderment
with natural phenomena

such as "mountains
trees
the seven seas"

the "sun and the moon
and even Mars

the Milky Way
and fucking shooting stars"

and the phenotypic resemblance
apparent in how "Shaggy's little boy
looks just like Shaggy"

but here it is.

"Just the way the Earth
rotates on its axis

how far away it is
from the sun.

These are all
very complex things.

Gravity where did it come from?"

But just to make it clear

despite his MD

which he used
for operating

on delicate tissue

of humans'
primary thinking apparatus

and for which
he won an award

for "miraculously"

(with a 70-person team
and 22 hours of work)

in 1987
separating conjoined twins

who were attached
at the head

he "don't wanna talk

to a scientist"

about global warming

being something

at least heavily influenced

by human activity

setting the matter with

"Y'all motherfuckers lying

and getting me pissed."

(The good doctor

may care

for neither rap

nor rock

nor presumbly horrorcore  music

but he loved that verse so much

he just had

to say it again.)

This poem © 2015 Emily Cooper.

Reverse Sequestration Operation

If you still have
your government job

it's time to give
dubious thanks
to the folks in Congress.

Deep into his second term

that's something that Obama

has become
quite good at doing

and is likely
both nonplussed

and flabbergasted

at any of the near misses

frustrated people everywhere
now claim as weary victories

which take us
back to square one
instead of somewhere

completely off the game board.

"The good news
is that it looks like the Republicans

will just barely avoid
shutting down the government

for the second time
in two years.

That's a somewhat low bar
but we should celebrate
where we can.

The bad news
is that it looks like Republicans

will just barely avoid
shutting down the government again

for the second time
in two years."

This poem © 2015 Emily Cooper.

Love Wounds and Mars

NASA scientists have "unearthed"

definitive signs
of liquid water on Mars

noting dark streaks
called "recurrent slope linae"
or RSLs

in photographs.

Though researchers have long known
that Mars has dry ice

in its polar ice caps

this find should fuel
speculation

(well at least
more-educated speculation

than even Futurama
could provide)

as to whether

we've got Martians
in our relative midst.

Since Jeb Bush

seems to think
that the Republican Party's message

to people of color
unlike the Democrats' 

"isn't one of division
and 'Get in line

and we'll take care of you
with free stuff'"

(meaning "Give you some assistance

in acquiring food
and health care

to keep you from being hungry
and/or dying
from something

all but eradicated
in the rest
of the First World")

if NASA in ten years

holds a lottery
for laypeople

to spread Americanism
to the discovered lands

it would be unseemly
for the 2024 Republican candidate

to promote this heavily
to the base

by now hopelessly fractured
and consisting of everyone

who wasn't "priced out"

of the Grand Old Party

(so roughly 100 people
nationwide
give or take)

as this would be
an undeserved handout.

(And what is love

but requiring them

to design and lift themselves
by their own space bootstraps

if they want so badly
to breathe
that space air?)

This poem © 2015 Emily Cooper.

Speaking Out

For John Boehner
it's a sad

but remarkably lucid day.

Some say it was the DNC's
years of pithy and punny
email subject lines

that finally did him in

including "Devastating Blow to Boehner"
"Boehner Panic"

and "Big Raging Boehner
Screwing Us All"

(well okay
not that one yet).

Others say
he articulates

what reasonable people
on both sides of the aisle

have been thinking
for some time

namely that

“It’s become clear to me 
that this prolonged leadership turmoil

would do irreparable damage
to the institution.

This isn’t about me.

It’s about the people

it’s about the institution."

Now how long before
Donald Trump tweets

that he could've done
a better job?

(Meaning replacing crying

with unprovoked insults.)

This poem © 2015 Emily Cooper.

Legitimate Bodies

To hearken back
to a 2012 quote

from Todd Akin

apparently the body

does have "ways to try to shut
that whole thing down"
only in this case

that body
look a lot like

mostly-male House Republicans

and "that whole thing"
is Planned Parenthood

and perhaps the country's
life support system

including to some extent
their own

also known
as "the federal government"

on September 30.

Luckily Senate Democrats

had a way
to shut down

a bill that would have
banned abortion
after 20 weeks.

Pro-choice advocates
are less fearful

now that Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell
has scheduled a vote this Thursday
on a temporary spending measure

that would delay the shutdown
until December 11.

The measure is not expected

to have a rider

to defund Planned Parenthood

as the organization

has already received

all its allotted funding

until next April

and most Republicans

are trying a novel tack

and embracing logic.

Just like two years ago though

Ted Cruz
still seems a little "unchill"

so just in case
when the Pope visits Congress

His Holiness could dig in
to his latest store of contriteness
he has saved up

from those who terminated
their pregnancies
with such services

and get everybody
to shut up

(and perhaps even
consider caring about the lives
and resources

of people
older than a zygote).

This poem © 2015 Emily Cooper.

Stumbling Towards Facts-asy

Was President Obama

born in the US?

More than three-fourths
of the way

into his presidency

and Donald Trump
still boldly refuses to affirm

what some sources
would call
"a statement of fact."

Not too long ago
Trump gave "birth"

to his own facts
about the president's heritage

and his present cageyness
suggests he is still

leveraging those facts
by omission.

Some left-wing types might call
these types of statements

a "specious platform
on which to base
a potential presidential career"

or Marco Rubio

might tell questioners
that making those inquiries

is a "waste of time"

but that sounds suspiciously

like an opinion.

This poem © 2015 Emily Cooper.

Bad Apples

It's important

that anyone involved
directly or peripherally

in the education system

that nurtures our children
on their journeys to adulthood

be they teachers
parents
principals

guidance counselors
gym coaches

or maintenance people

be on the lookout

for any students
of Middle Eastern descent

bringing in
a so-called "clock"
or other electronic device

that obviously took hours
of diligent and careful labor.

They're clearly trying

to imitate that degenerate offspring
of Syrian descent

Steve Jobs

(and maybe even
have a job after college).


This poem © 2015 Emily Cooper.

The Art of the Deal

In an event
which is newsworthy

for being far less a failure

than some
(well perhaps everyone)

would wish or expect

Bernie Sanders
took his populist message

to the evangelical Christian college
in Lynchburg Virginia

Liberty University.

Referring to "massive injustice
in terms of wealth
and income inequality"

he said

"Maybe just maybe

we can try to work together
to resolve that."

Though his statements
supporting abortion and gay marriage

got only scattered applause and cheers
from a small section
of the crowd

evidence of his wizardry

was apparent in the words
of Nathan White
a pro-life and "capitalist" junior from Houston

who said "I'm glad they invited him
but I wouldn't vote for him."

No word yet

on whether Donald Trump is jealous

but maybe Sanders
should be jealous

as you can create your own masterpieces
using his head as a paintbrush

at PaintWithDonaldTrump.com

while no such website
has yet been made

for the Jewish socialist
from Vermont.

This poem © 2015 Emily Cooper.