Trump-rested Development

Ron Howard

the Opie from Andy Griffith
who grew up to create

the sitcom "Arrested Development"
about a dysfunctional family

has made the online video
"TRUMP-rested Development"

in which he contradicts
the candidate's best lies

(since nothing he says
is truthful

but only a few
are very special "foundational" lies

complete with little lie rivulets
and nesting lies

simultaneously precariously holding his world together
and threatening to tear it apart).

“I was the one who got him to produce
the birth certificate

and I think I did a good job”

Trump brags at the first debate.

"But he really didn't"
says Howard.

“Secretary Clinton also fought it
I mean
and now everyone in mainstream

is going to say
‘Oh, that’s not true.’ It’s true.”

“But it wasn’t”
says Howard.

Then Trump denies
ever saying pregnant women
were inconvenient for a business

and the video cuts to him
saying that exact thing
in an NBC interview

and ends with him explaining his efforts
to build a relationship
with African-American voters

with the subtitle
"Footage Not Found."

Maybe after he loses
he'll deny he ever tried
to run for president

(though everyone else
would love to forget it).


This poem © 2016 Emily Cooper.

Vote Grabbing

This November 8
all voters should stroll into the voting booth

with their heads up high
and their hands down low

grabbing their own private parts
whatever they may be

and proudly lock up Donald Trump
in the prison
of his own mind.




This poem © 2016 Emily Cooper.

She's A Fighter

For the final question
of tonight's town hall-style
second presidential debate

each candidate was asked
to name something positive
about the other

and Donald Trump actually did

thus putting this poet
into agreement with him
on this one point.

"She doesn't quit.
She doesn't give up. I respect that."
This poem © 2016 Emily Cooper.

The Power of a Wish

If you are terminally ill

Donald Trump
has just "made a wish"

that you would stick around
long enough to vote for him.

“I don’t care
if you just came back from the doctor

and he gave you the worst possible prognosis
meaning it’s over
you won’t be around in two weeks.

Doesn’t matter.

Hang out till November 8.
Get out and vote.”

Needless to say

if you're the sort of person
who cares about the welfare

of future generations
of human beings

even ones
that you will never meet

you're probably
not a Trump voter.


This poem © 2016 Emily Cooper.

A Genius Tax Deviser

Before the next presidential debate
on October 9

Hillary Clinton may want to consider
arming herself with an itemized budget

that sums up the revenue lost to the United States
because Donald Trump
and only Donald Trump

didn't pay federal income tax

for eighteen years

and dividing that amount
by the tax revenue

paid by a typical working person
during that time

to get an average
"Trump quotient"

also known as
"how many Americans
it has taken
to compensate for his huge genius."

This poet is happy to provide
any appropriate Trump-based puns.


This poem © 2016 Emily Cooper.

Three AM Eternal

During the 2008 primaries
the Hillary Clinton campaign
made a somewhat ominous commercial asking voters

who they wanted to answer
the hypothetical 3 AM phone call

to respond to an impending
and presumably gravely-harmful-to-Americans crisis.

It should be noted
that only one presidential candidate

Donald Trump
was awake at 3:20 this morning

taking to Twitter
to remind reporters
of the importance of maintaining journalistic integrity

in these politically-fraught times

with "Anytime you see a story about me
or my campaign saying 'sources said,'
DO NOT believe it.

There are no sources,
they are just made up lies!"

(with no trace of irony
from a person who regularly employs the line
"People say").

Then not two hours later

he commenced a trio of tweets
declaring Hillary Clinton was "duped"

about the former Miss Universe contestant
Alicia Machado

culminating the saga
at 5:30 AM

by asking America
to do its citizenly duty and research

with "Did Crooked Hillary help disgusting
(check out sex tape and past) Alicia M
become a U.S. citizen

so she could use her in the debate?".

Sources say Donald Trump
may have helped Melania skirt visa laws
because she was hot

and that evidence of a supposed sex tape

(which shouldn't negate
one's "goodness" anyway)

was gleaned from the right-wing conspiracy theorist Alex Jones'
website InfoWars.com.

Given that it was a reasonable 10:20 AM
in Nairobi Kenya

maybe he was discreetly
trying to catch Obama
also being awake

and Skype-ing with his homeland.

This poem © 2016 Emily Cooper.

Trump is the Loneliest Number

(Apologies to Harry Nilsson and Three Dog Night)
(After Donald Trump's First Debate)

Trump gave the sorriest number
that he'll ever do

or two may be more bad for Trump
and three'll drop his share of the vote
down to number one.

This poem © 2016 Emily Cooper.

'Bate and Switch

Monday night
is the first presidential debate

between Hillary Clinton
and Donald Trump.

One candidate is researching
and fielding endless rounds of practice questions

while the other is preparing
for a different kind of 'bating

(and will have a terrible time
even doing that).

This poem © 2016 Emily Cooper.

We Make It Brighter

Happy 82nd birthday
Leonard Cohen

who today announced
that his forthcoming LP
"You Want It Darker"

will be released
on October 21st.

The title track
has Cohen almost-speaking
with a crackling but precise timbre

talking to God

who is put in the awkward position
of having one of His believers give up
on a rigged and losing hand

with "If you are the dealer
I'm out of the game"

and who is struck
(so to speak)

by the realization
that the Lord
gave him “permission
to murder and to maim.”

A cheery song
it is not

but one that reminds us
that we can make the choice

to play a different game.

This poem © 2016 Emily Cooper.

Mar and Let Go

Today in 1793
George Washington laid the cornerstone
to the United States Capitol building.

During the War of 1812
after the British
set it on fire

a thunderstorm saved the building
from being completely destroyed.

During the Civil War
the Capitol was used
as a hospital and barracks.

Expansions and upgrades
continued into the twentieth century

and the house
if not always the soul of democracy

has survived
despite all.

May the new president
not make any unnecessary renovations

nor intentionally bankrupt
our democratic experiment.

This poem © 2016 Emily Cooper.

Fifty States of "No Way"

The sequel to the much-maligned movie
based on the sequel
of the much-maligned book

Fifty Shades of Grey

called Fifty Shades Darker

is set to open in movie theaters
on February 17th of next year.

Donald Trump has already been playing Christian Grey

or "the mysterious billionaire
who invites America
to a relationship

in which his pretenses to populism

constantly give way
to gross misrepresentations

of the economic frustrations
that he claims to understand

accompanied by abusive behavior
in public and private

which has always been a part
of the now-candidate

and which throughout the campaign cycle
has been an almost-daily occurrence."

On Tuesday November 8th

it's time to break up with him.

This poem © 2016 Emily Cooper.

Only Positive Results

Hillary Clinton
left a September 11th commemorative event early

complaining of feeling hot

and was subsequently diagnosed
with pneumonia.

And naturally
many "Retrumplicans" feel vindicated

in their prior assessments
of her health.

Even after taking into account
that Donald Trump pressured

his less-than-scrupulous doctor
into writing a glowing review
of the Republican candidate's health

in five minutes

as he waited in a limo

he may very well
be completely physiologically well

but it should be apparent
that if Clinton gets sick in office

it'll be working pneumonia.


This poem © 2016 Emily Cooper.

Continental Regress


On this day in 1776
the Continental Congress

adopted a resolution
to call their freshly acquired lands "United States"

instead of "United Colonies". 

On this day in 2017
this poet will inform you

if this remains the same

or if the current president
has generously licensed his name

to "we the people"

for a very modest fee. 

This poem © 2016 Emily Cooper.

The Tears of a Clown

The creepy clown

(which is frequently

but to be fair
not always
a redundant term)

dressed in white overalls
white gloves

and red shoes

with the characteristic curly hair
and painted face

previously spotted in South Carolina
using candy as bait
to attempt to lure kids
into the woods

has arrived in the city of Winston-Salem
in this poet's home state
of North Carolina.

And since the only thing
that can stop a clown

is another clown

Donald Trump knows
what he needs to do.


This poem © 2016 Emily Cooper.

Cornered by Carne

In the dystopia
of the near future

according to Latinos for Trump founder
Marco Gutierrez

not only will there be all the presumed
and therefore left unsaid
raping and cocaine-smuggling

but "you're going to have taco trucks
on every corner."

Even committed racists
would have trouble

disavowing this possible universe
for the sake
of their beliefs.


This poem © 2016 Emily Cooper.

Tyranny of the Asses

Donald Trump went to Mexico
to meet privately
with President Enrique Peña Nieto

and it was just as successful
as people other than Donald Trump
thought it would be.

At a joint news conference
following the meeting

he backtracked on his oft-repeated promise
of making Mexico pay for a border wall

which also happens to be
one of his very few points
of actual policy

such as it is

clarifying that the two
had discussed a wall

but that it was not yet decided
who would pay for it.

Then Trump flew back to the States

and said to a rally in Phoenix
“Mexico will pay for the wall
believe me

100 percent
they don’t know it yet
but they will pay for the wall.”

At least in the end

Trump got to piss off Mexico
and help ruin Peña Nieto's reputation

with historian Enrique Krauze
saying he had made
an "historic error"
by inviting Trump

elaborating that “You confront tyrants.
You don’t appease them.”

This poem © 2016 Emily Cooper.

The Challenges of Global Interdependence

Throughout the years
most of the Clinton Foundation's donors

have given the organization
less than $250.

Fewer than a quarter of one percent

the list of whom
being freely available on their website

have given $100,001 to $250,000
in lifetime contributions.

And on the first page of that list
is a "Donald J. Trump".

It is to be presumed
he'll cut ties with them
once he takes office.

This poem © 2016 Emily Cooper.

The Deranged-er Zone

(Apologies to Kenny Loggins)
(Sung by Donald Trump to Hillary Clinton)

What's "alt-right"?
Why Ms. Crooked
worried 'bout me?

Just 'cause I cater to whites
who like their own supremacy?

This poem © 2016 Emily Cooper.

Coloradon'ts

In Jefferson County Colorado

there is an office
where a 12-year-old
named Weston Imer

is in charge of coordinating volunteers
and getting out the vote
for Donald Trump.

The officially listed coordinator
is his mother Laurel

who says
of her son's weighty duties
that only get weightier

every time Trump opens his mouth

"You have a responsibility
to your children to teach them."


This poem © 2016 Emily Cooper.

Shrinking 'Paigns

Paul Manafort
the Trump campaign chairman

who was hired to replace manager
Corey Lewandowski
after he resigned

has now quit

for reasons probably completely unrelated

to the discovery
by government investigators

at Manafort's office in Kiev
the capital of Ukraine

a line in the ledger
indicating that Manafort accepted $12.7 million
in undisclosed cash payments

from former President Mr. Yanukovych’s
pro-Russian political party
between 2007 and 2012

and the fact that Donald Trump
will always refuse to be
anything like "managed".

Now who will be left
to man the fort?

(Because it was going so well.)


This poem © 2016 Emily Cooper.

The Wrong and Violent Type

For a man
who craves attention

at all times

no matter the cost
and especially if there is a cost

to what could loosely be called
a reputation

it may be notable

that Donald Trump
has only just begun airing

general election television ads.

Maybe soon
we'll finally get to see the man

being completely comfortable
in his own skin.

In this controlled environment
the candidate

should have no problem
with demonstrating his self-declared "single greatest strength"

of "temperament."

(Just as long
as any speaking parts
are removed before airing.)

This poem © 2016 Emily Cooper.

Hate Me Five Times

Donald Trump
cannot contend with the fact
that American voters

would dare use
his "The Apprentice" catchphrase
"You're fired"
against him

even though
he wants just one "Trump was right" 
giant coronation bash

and does not want
to be president

nor with the feeling of embarrassment
at blaming his loss
on unprecedented conspiratorial actions

on their part. 

Said the candidate

"We're going to watch Pennsylvania.

Go down to certain areas
and watch and study

and make sure
other people don't come in
and vote five times."


This poem © 2016 Emily Cooper.

Words Are Loaded Pistols

A US Secret Service official
has reported that "there has been
more than one conversation" 

with Donald Trump
since the candidate on Thursday

said at a rally
that maybe "the Second Amendment people"

could prevent Hillary Clinton from appointing
Supreme Court justices
who favor gun control.

Of course Trump denies
the meeting ever took place.

Said the former head of the CIA
retired Gen. Michael Hayden

"You're not just responsible
for what you say.

You are responsible
for what people hear."

But that won't help a candidate

whose brain hears everything he says
and turns it into

"I'm the greatest
so shut up."

This poem © 2016 Emily Cooper.

Unplanned Concession

Planned Parenthood
in its infinite wisdom

has conceived of
so to speak
another way to ruin America

in its launching
of the non-partisan campaign
"My Vote, My Voice"

to make voters
out of the people most affected
by voter suppression laws

and who are regularly
most in need of the services
that the organization provides

including youth
the poor
and people of color.

Volunteers in 45 states

will set up "action" tables
outside of Planned Parenthood health centers
and throughout these communities

where they will register voters

educate them
about their state's voter ID laws

and of course
remind them to vote
in November.

Unfortunately very few of these people
are likely to vote
for the Republican candidate

who wants to defund the organization.

(So unfair.)

This poem © 2016 Emily Cooper.

What a Feminist Looks Like

President Obama
has written an essay

for Glamour magazine
explaining why he identifies

as a feminist.

He expresses gratitude
that his tenure as president

shortens his commute to "45 seconds"
and thus lets him spend
more time with his daughters.

He says that the experience of fatherhood
has allowed him to be

a direct witness
to the "enormous pressure girls are under
to look and behave
and even think a certain way"

even as they become successful

noting the particular challenges
faced by women of color
including his wife Michelle.

He concludes the essay
with the reminder
that "It's never been just about the Benjamins.
It's about the Tubmans too"

and that
"when everybody is equal
we are all more free."

Meanwhile Donald Trump
is on the sidelines

confident in his knowledge
that the key to solving sexual harassment
in the workplace

is for women to change jobs.

This poem © 2016 Emily Cooper.

Sacrificial Voting

Though incomparable to those
of the Muslim solider Humayun Khan

who died in the act
of protecting the lives of his comrades
from a suicide car bomb

to be completely fair
to his own self-assessment

Donald Trump has made plenty of sacrifices

the most notable being
those traits of dignity
honor
grace and poise

as well as even
the loosest grasp on reality

or contrition in the face of wrongdoing
or dumbsaying.

This notable addition
to the pile

may even lead
to Trump voters

sacrificing their right
to make terrible decisions.

This poem © 2016 Emily Cooper.