Rainbow Hell

Comedian
musician and Detroit native Elijah Daniel
purchased the unincorporated community
of Hell, Michigan

and tweeted
"ahead of pride month
Trump’s administration
put a ban on embassy’s [sic] flying pride flags.

so as of today,
I am now the owner of Hell, Michigan.

I bought the whole town.

And my first act as owner, I have renamed my town to Gay Hell, MI.
The only flags allowed to fly are pride."

This poem © 2019 Emily Cooper.

Amash of Issues

Republican Rep. Justin Amash

who has written increasingly contemptuous critiques
of Trump's behavior
as outlined in the Mueller report

and has even discussed
the possibility of impeachment

has now resigned
from the House Freedom Caucus
that he himself helped found

and which was inspired
by the Tea Party Movement.

Now Amash is reportedly mulling over
a third-party presidential bid
as a libertarian.

To which this poet says

if you do run
please run as a Republican

because what this country needs

in a candidate who knows
that party division is a good thing

if party unity
means supporting the unconscionable.

This poem © 2019 Emily Cooper.

Aid Disaster

In this divided era

surely one thing

Republicans and Democrats in Congress

can agree on

is a $19 billion natural disaster aid package

benefiting several states

and Puerto Rico

right?

Well House Republicans Thomas Massie from Kentucky

and Chip Roy from Texas

apparently don't like it

because it increases the national debt

and lacks the border operations funding

that Trump requested

despite approval

from the Senate

and Trump's own voice of support

and agreement to sign the bill.

When Trump

(after a fashion)

is in this particular case
behaving more morally
than you are

it's time to reconsider
what you're willing
to go into debt for

even if it's a silly thing
like helping people.

This poem © 2019 Emily Cooper.

McGone

What's the difference
between a dinner invitation

and a subpoena?

The answer?

You can't be impeached

for telling someone
they shouldn't go to dinner.

And it's rather ironic
for Republicans
like Rep. Doug Collins

to mock Democrats
for talking to empty chairs

when in fact
Republican Clint Eastwood

pioneered the art
back in 2012
at the RNC.


This poem © 2019 Emily Cooper.

Over and Over and Over With

The hashtag
#LindseyGrahamResign

is trending on Twitter

after the Democratic Coalition
tweeted it in response
to Graham urging

Donald Trump, Jr.
to "show up and plead the Fifth
and it’s over with."

In short

even after senators in their own party
take legal action against Jr.

prominent Republicans keep capitulating
to Trump and Family

(so what else is new)

and Graham's sense of rap timing
is really bad.

This poem © 2019 Emily Cooper.

Kim-yay

You still needn't keep up
with the Kardashians

but Kim has helped to free 17 prisoners
in 90 days

as a funder of the Decarceration Project
a program which goes around the country
and asks judges to release inmates.

More than paying legal fees
she is also on the phone
as the clients

some who were imprisoned
hundreds of miles away
from their families

are told they are coming home.

She is also studying to become a lawyer.

In short

this currently mint-green-coiffed star
is more qualified to be president in 2020

than the blonde celebrity
who is currently president.


This poem © 2019 Emily Cooper.

A Song of Vice and Conspire

A former CIA deputy director
from the Obama administration
David S. Cohen

made a cameo
on Game of Thrones

as an unnamed resident
of Winterfell.

Meanwhile
Trump remains the king
of Orangehell.


This poem © 2019 Emily Cooper.

Trump International

The President graciously offered his idea
on how to extinguish the fire
at Notre Dame

in short
flying water tanks

because if there's anyone
whose expertise we value
in preserving very old
and very historic buildings

it's Donald Trump.

This poem © 2019 Emily Cooper.

Kava-no Surprise

Supreme Court Justice Brett Kavanaugh
has been hired

by the George Mason University law school
to teach a summer course

and not one
in his field of expertise of
"How to Commit Sexual Assault
and Still Get Chosen
for the Highest Court
in the Land"

and students on campus are protesting.

In other news
women's well-being going ignored
is the old normal

remixed into a somehow worse new normal
by a president who doesn't really care

because he sympathizes
with the accused.

This poem © 2019 Emily Cooper.

Border Disorder

It's the president
in a nutshell:

Imagine a crisis

(in this case
at the Southern border)

and using made-up facts

propose a terrible solution

(in this case
shutting down said border)

and then tell Congress
to pass his terrible legislative ideas

in order to prevent
his terrible solution

(one he may stick with anyway
despite Congress's actions)

to his imaginary problem
from being implemented.

This poem © 2019 Emily Cooper.

Cliffhanger Notes

"While this report
does not conclude
that the president committed a crime

it also does not exonerate him”

says Attorney General William Barr
quoting Mueller

in the summary
of the Mueller report.

So President Trump

Eat and tweet
and watch Fox News

and in general relax and be merry

before the full report is released

but know that every time you speak

you get closer to
accidentally revealing the truth
about what you did do

as it relates to Russia or not.

Because saying too much
is sort of your "thing"
(among others).

(Oh and happy birthday
Nancy Pelosi.)

This poem © 2019 Emily Cooper.

Deliberate Wins the Race

That wacky Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez
is up to no good again.

This time she's tweeting crazy things like
“White supremacists
committed the largest #
of extremist killings in 2017,”

quoting the loony Southern Poverty Law Center

and going on to say
low-IQ things like

“What the President is saying here: 
‘if you engage in violent acts
of white supremacy,
I will look the other way.’

Understand that this is deliberate.
This is why we can’t afford
to sit on the sidelines.”

Good thing we have a president
who stands up to hate

by reminding all of us
and especially the most vulnerable
to said acts
in our own country

that only a small number of people

actually do these things.

Whew!


This poem © 2019 Emily Cooper.

Web for a Whirled World

Happy 30th Birthday
World Wide Web.

And thank you Tim Berners-Lee
for giving the average person
the ability to obsess about Trump's past, present, and future misdeeds
at all hours of the day and night
even at the expense
of little things like mental health

without (unless we're watching a video)
having to turn on the TV
and actually hear and see him.

This poem © 2019 Emily Cooper.

Type A Negative

Dear President Trump

Alabama just had
a terrible tornado
and the people there certainly deserve aid.

But do you only give
the "A Plus treatment"

to the places
that voted for you?

This poem © 2019 Emily Cooper.

Not-So-Silent H

Dear Senator Thom Tillis

Thank you for being a Republican
from North Carolina

and writing an op-ed
against Trump's declaration
of a national emergency
for a border wall

for the Washington Post.

"I am a member of the Senate
and I have grave concerns when our institution
looks the other way

at the expense
of weakening Congress’s power"

you say

and commenting on Obama's prior use
of a national emergency
to defer action
against undocumented immigrants

you add

"There is no intellectual honesty
in now turning around and arguing

that there’s an imaginary asterisk
attached to executive overreach — 
that it’s acceptable for my party
but not thy party."

Despite having other talking points
that this poet does not agree with

thank you again sincerely for being
from her home state

and for saying
you will vote in favor
of a bill
disapproving of the President's national emergency declaration.

Now be quiet.

This poem © 2019 Emily Cooper.

Emergent Properties

Dear Mr. President
Thank you for the declaration
of a national emergency.

We know just how much of a threat to our country
illegal immigration is
by the fact that you waited
more than two years

to declare it as such.

However if on the off chance
you meant that your continued presidency
is a national emergency

well then
welcome to the club.

This poem © 2019 Emily Cooper.

Must Loathe Dogs

Last November
while promoting her new album
Barbra Streisand asked a worthy question
of the Los Angeles Times

“How does the president not have a dog?
He’s the first president in 120 years
that doesn’t have a dog in the White House.”

Last night at a very necessary
self-congratulatory rally in El Paso
Trump responded

“I wouldn’t mind having one, honestly
but I don’t have any time"

then added
presumably rhetorically
"How would I look
walking a dog on the White House lawn?”

Nonetheless
the answer is
"Like a lying asshole with a dog
who gives its owner
the cat-like contempt
that he so richly deserves."


This poem © 2019 Emily Cooper.

Haiku of the Union

Turn off the TV
for Trump's State of the Union.
Save valuable time.

It will be fact free
and equal parts bombastic
and fear inducing.

All news is fake news.
Bad is their fault; good is mine.
Blame Dems for your doom.

This poem © 2019 Emily Cooper.

Cast the First Stone

Roger Stone

the man Hank Hill's father Cotton
from King of the Hill would be
if he were taller and real

and one of the only people
to actually vocalize the word "libtard"
rather than just writing it
in YouTube comments

has pleaded not guilty
to charges from the Mueller probe.

Anagrams of his name
include the descriptive "ego snorter"
and the foretelling "regret soon"

and if you include his middle name Jason
you also get "Orange Senor Jots"
and "Oranger Jest Soon"

for the inevitable "I never liked him" tweet
from the President.



















This poem © 2019 Emily Cooper.

Greater Than

When asked by Stephen Colbert
"On a scale of zero to some
how many fucks do you give"

about her fellow Democrats
telling her to "go slow"
on her ambitious policy proposals

Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez replied
"I think it's, um, zero."

This poem © 2019 Emily Cooper.