Just Assume Obama Said It

“This is the part of my speech
where I share
some inspirational quotes I found on Google”

said 18-year-old
Pineville Kentucky
Bell County High School valedictorian Ben Bowling

to the 82-percent
Trump-voting audience

“‘Don’t just get involved.
Fight for your seat at the table.

Better yet
fight for a seat
at the head of the table.'
 —Donald J. Trump.”

Applause rang out
until moments later

Bowling burst their bubble
and said

“Just kidding.
Just kidding.
That was Barack Obama"

and save for a few giggles
and a solitary "Boo"
silenced the room completely

revealing not so flatteringly
that Trump's attribution
of Obama's legacy

(the parts he likes at least)

to himself

are the only way
some voters
will remember it.


This poem © 2018 Emily Cooper.

Conners and Consequences

As difficult as it was
for people like Roseanne Barr

to maintain both a shred of dignity
and a positive impression
of our president

a new tweet comes in
at an ABC-dubbed
"abhorrent, repugnant"
new low

soon after the show's record highs
for the network.

Despite her prior tweets
wholeheartedly embracing some measure
of abhorrence and repugnance

ABC could rightfully not tolerate
her describing former Obama senior adviser
Valerie Jarrett

as a cross between Planet of the Apes
and Muslim Brotherhood

and had to cancel
her eponymous show.

Would that presidencies
could come to such swift
and decisive ends.

This poem © 2018 Emily Cooper.

Kim Jong-Uh

Apparently Trump
the master of deals
(presumably good ones)

is having second thoughts
on going to meet with Kim Jong-Un
in three weeks

and is presenting the ramifications
of being basically
completely unprepared

for perhaps the most final
of final exams

as a deliberate diplomatic move
rather than as a strategy
for buying more time

(if it can't be canceled)

to have his Cabinet
find him a map
showing where North Korea is

and maybe tell him
a sentence or two from Wikipedia
depending on
his attention span.

Says he
the genius who already knows
everything there is to know

and perhaps realizing
that even someone more knowledgeable than he

is at risk to damage
to his person
if a wrong move is made

"That doesn't mean
that it won't work out
over a period of time

but it may not work out
for June 12."



This poem © 2018 Emily Cooper.

Enhanced Morality Avoidance

With her 33 years of experience
in the CIA
Gina Haspel is a shining example

of a leader with experience

something so sorely needed
in the Trump administration

being a bad choice
for the country

namely due to her prior predilection
for "enhanced interrogation" techniques

which is right in line
with Trump's America

in which vague promises
to "probably do the right thing
yeah yeah sure"

before immediately retracting
any handshakes signifying a promise

will win you a spot
in the dear leader's circle

for as long as you are valuable
to his whims

which hopefully include
a passing glance
at something like "American values."

It is to be hoped
that if she is nominated

which now seems likely

she turns out to be a bozo
with a conscience

who can unequivocally denounce
past versions of herself
who would condone torture

instead.

This poem © 2018 Emily Cooper.

Iran So Far Away

Tuesday begins
with an apology
from Senator Orrin Hatch

to Senator John McCain
for suggesting it was "ridiculous"
for him to declare

that he wouldn't want President Trump
at his funeral

(who wouldn't want to be there anyway
as it probably contradicts
his belief system

of only attending funerals
of people who weren't captured

as well as his own
when the time comes)

and a non-apology
for plunging the US
into diplomatic crisis with Iran

and inexplicably severing
any even tenuous connection
that might be made

between "Trump"
and "peace in the Middle East."

Trump is also probably reveling
in his 2013 tweet

about
once-beloved Democrat Eric Schneiderman
"Wait and see
worse than Spitzer or Weiner"

and gloating in the fact
that he technically
has the upper hand

(or rather lower)

as he has not been called out
for engaging in the now-ex-New York Attorney General's
specific form of physical abuse.

This poem © 2018 Emily Cooper.

To Know That It's Raining

It doesn't take Scott Pruitt
(thank God)

to notice that Trump's forecast
remains Stormy

with a chance of revelation
of dark clouds hanging over Trump
and the legitimacy of his presidency

(for reasons other
than its sheer horribleness).

Chances of nuclear clouds
increase linearly based on the degree of ill-advisedneses
of Trump's tweets towards North Korea.


This poem © 2018 Emily Cooper.

Kim Jong Trump

In what is perhaps
a subtle diplomatic move
on his part

in that no one
is quite sure why
he would say it

but hopes that it is interpreted
in the most diplomatic way possible

today Trump called Kim Jong-Un "honorable."

It is also hoped
that at their upcoming meeting

Kim Jong-Un
will keep in mind the remedial-level staying-on-topic-skills
of our dear leader

shake his small hand
call Trump highly honorable himself

note that denuclearization
on the part of both parties
will ensure that future generations
will be around to know
just how much this is true

and escort him out
before Trump can say anything.

This poem © 2018 Emily Cooper.

Caught Red-Hannited

Despite wielding all the sheer lawyer strength
he could muster

the names on the Michael Cohen's client list
were revealed

in fact
by his own lawyer

and one of them
was Fox News' head honcho Sean Hannity.

Suddenly the man concerned
with Robert Mueller III's alleged conflicts of interest
in the investigation of President Trump

and who said of George Stephanopoulos'
secret $75,000 donation
to the Clinton Foundation

because he had just grilled
conservative critic Peter Schweizer
for his book denouncing the non-profit

in so many words
“The idea that they're saying ...
'Oh, it was an honest mistake'

I don't believe that.

I think he thought he'd get away with it
and didn't disclose it”

seems rather non-contrite

while displaying all the signs
of a stammering-
I-didn't-do-anything-wrong-
but-please-God-why-did-I-get-caught-
truly-non-guilty man.

This poem © 2018 Emily Cooper.

Stayed In Bed All Mornin'

(Sung by Stormy Daniels)

It's too late Donny
now it's too late

now go lie in the bed
where we made it

Your chance to contrive a lie has subsided
and you can't fight it

you just can't fake it
(but I did).


This poem © 2018 Emily Cooper.

Roseanne Barr Trump

Last Tuesday
was the first episode of Roseanne

and it was a hit.

More than 25 million people
tuned in to watch the Conners

who inhabit a reality both parallel to
and distinct from ours.

In this fantasy land
red and blue collide
in Trump's America

its inhabitants united
by a shared class struggle

under the roof of a house
that is 30 years older
yet still looks the same

a metaphor for something

while managing to be witty
and nuanced
and insightful.

However in this world of 22 minutes
some of the comedy
is intentional

and surprisingly
its creator and executive producer
Roseanne Barr

tweets her support
of the president unironically.


This poem © 2018 Emily Cooper.

Please Please Me

President Trump
wants there to be
a citizenship question
on the 2020 Census

because he is racist

but also because
he longs for 12.5 million undocumented immigrants

to be self-hating people
who will put themselves down
and give him a sense of accomplishment.


This poem © 2018 Emily Cooper.

O' Happy Day

Donald Trump Jr. and
wife Vanessa

who was a contestant
on The Apprentice

are now divorced

after she discovered
his affair with Celebrity Apprentice Cast Member
Aubrey O'Day

which lasted from the end of 2011
to 2012.

A Hillary Clinton supporter
O'Day tweeted after the election

“You can be a lying, abusive piece of trash
that is personally and publicly racist
sexist & homophobic

and run our country.”


This poem © 2018 Emily Cooper.

Tweet by Fire

Another day
another firing.

Today Rex Tillerson
became ex-Tillerson.









This poem © 2018 Emily Cooper.

Kellyanne's Con Way

Supporting Roy
wasn't the right thing to do

But how could I
not broadcast what I feel?

If I could've
I would've told the whole world

but I only got
to say it on Fox TV.

I'm Kellyanne Conway

Who cares about the Hatch Act anyway?










This poem © 2018 Emily Cooper.

Clearance

Jared Kushner's security clearance
has been downgraded.

Apparently Mexico
Israel
China
and the United Arab Emirates

have all discussed

how they could take advantage
of his complex business arrangments
lack of experience
and money woes.

Top White House officials
say Kushner was "naive and being tricked"

intimating that he has an inner kindness
and idealism
and must be protected from bullies

when really he is smug and ignorant
and a bully himself

and should never have had any authority 
in the first place.

But whatever works.

Maybe we should do
the heretofore unthinkable
and take pity
on his father-in-law. 




This poem © 2018 Emily Cooper.

Parkview

Sometimes the adults in the room
are the teenagers

calling out those
who are supposed to be in charge.



This poem © 2018 Emily Cooper.

The Do-Nothing Process

Sarah Huckabee Sanders
is a master at channeling her boss

maybe not in exact verbiage

but in the essence
of her defenses of the accused

saying

"You have some very bad people
in that group

but some people
named Rob Porter

accused of physically assaulting
their ex-wives
of which there is photographic evidence

are very fine people."



This poem © 2018 Emily Cooper.

Captain Bone Spurs

Dear Mr. Trump

In addition to looking
rather fascist-y

(like the now ancient-seeming
footage from last June

of having Cabinet members
speak one by one
and praise you effusively each time)

suggesting that withholding applause
during your State of the Union address
is treasonous

speaks to a certain level
of obsession with pre-emptive bridge-burning

just to ensure that
in case anything
might be construed otherwise

you will not strive to create unity
nor heal any of our nation's pain.



This poem © 2018 Emily Cooper.

Game of the Union

Everyone knows that every State of the Union address
is made more fun
with the addition of alcohol

but this one is special. 

Whenever Trump tells a lie
take one drink.

Whenever he
in typical needlessly mean and nasty fashion

accuses Democrats
or anyone who is not him
of interfering with the forward progress of the country

take one drink.

Whenever Trump acts like he improved the economy
or that he took any deliberate action
that led to a positive change

as opposed to his (emphasis on) dumb luck

take a drink.

If he directly states or intimates
that bad news about him is fake

take a drink.

If he makes fun of Hillary
or lambastes the author of the book

whom administration officials
granted permission to acquire information
on more than a dozen occasions

take a drink.

And replace "fun" in the first sentence
with "deadly"

if playing the game
for the whole speech.

Do not do that.

Instead
so that you forget the remainder of his speech

a win in itself

but avoid overtaxing the liver

play the game for a maximum
of one minute.

This poem © 2018 Emily Cooper.

Devos-Shun

In now
what barely registers as news

Melania
not loving to play the role of political wife
in the first place

will now not be accompanying her husband
to the Davos World Economic Forum

for reasons that seem suspiciously timed
to the revelation
of Trump's year-long relationship

with adult actress Stormy Daniels

when Barron Trump
was four months old.

Would that this consensual
(albeit adulterous) affair

marked the nadir
and not the zenith

of Trump's treatment of women.

This poem © 2018 Emily Cooper.