Above the Law

Steven Seagal spoke
to the Russian state-owned
newspaper Rossiyskaya Gazeta

coming out in favor
of Vladimir Putin

calling him "one of the great
living world leaders"

and that he "would like
to consider him
as a brother."

He might even become
a Russian citizen.

In Russia
Seagal's popularity
has never waned

and his movies
still draw millions of rubles
at the box office.

A potentially great
comedic pairing
it could be

with Putin teaching Seagal
the soft side
of posing for photo ops
riding shirtless on a horse

and Seagal showing Putin
the coolest Aikido moves

for single-handedly
promoting "martial" law.

This poem © 2014 Emily Cooper.

Yeshua Ben Yo'self

(Apologies to original artist Vera Hall and DJ Moby)

O'Reilly
his trouble so hard
O'Reilly
his trouble so hard

He's misunderstood like
the Son of God

He's misunderstood like
the Son of God.

This poem © 2014 Emily Cooper.

Aliens and Sedition

Astronomers have discovered
the 280-mile wide
dwarf planet "2012 VP113"

with an orbit so big
it never gets closer
than 12 billion kilometers
from the Sun

and that they have
nicknamed "Biden"
after our beloved Joe.

The star-gazers speculate
that there may exist
a "Super Earth"
up to 10 times our size

that orbits the Sun
at such a great distance
it has not yet been seen.

Space news
always gives us humans
a unifying break

from our earthly
ideological struggles

but this poet
would advise the namers
of the dwarf planet

to brainstorm a new one
right quick

before Fox News
in its fair and balanced
and nuanced way

implicates Biden
in covering up Obama's
true place of birth.

This poem © 2014 Emily Cooper.

Capstone Heart

Attention all females
from "K" through tenth grade
this is just a reminder

that Grand Junction’s
Caprock Academy

has not
and does not
and will never tolerate

such flagrant floutings
of gender norms
like shaving one's head

and then re-entering
our fine school
sans pretty hat or wig

even if said shaving

was performed
in a show of solidarity
with a cancer-stricken friend.

This poem © 2014 Emily Cooper.

Till Things Are Brighter

In two days the world
will hear a new-to-them
Johnny Cash recording

from 1984 called
"Out Among the Stars"

the album which
Columbia Records
deemed probable cause
for dropping him
from the label.

Johnny's son John Cash
discovered the tracks
when his father died in 2003
and invited

the original guitarist
Marty Stuart to lay down
new guitar solos

dobro master
Jerry Douglas to add
much-needed "twang"

and Carlene Carter
one of June's daughters
from a previous marriage

to add a third harmony
to "Baby Ride Easy".

Though the record
is unlikely to knock
"Happy" Pharrell
off the charts

John believes
it serves a purpose
and says of his late dad
the Man in Black

"He was a man of a lot of laughter.
Why not let the light endure?"

This poem © 2014 Emily Cooper.

When Pontiff Francis Come For You

Your blood-stained money
can't take

Your blood-stained power
can't take (with you)

No joy you'll find
from these lives you take

End up in Hell
if stay on path you take

Bad mobs
bad mobs
whatcha gonna do

whatcha gonna do
when the Pope 'demns you?

This poem © 2014 Emily Cooper.

Lorde Lordy

Westboro Baptist Church
who recently excommunicated

their ailing founder
Fred Phelps the Senior

(who ironically
in the 1960s founded
the Phelps Chartered law firm

and represented
African-American clients
in civil rights cases)

for allegedly
making a plea
for "kinder treatment
of fellow church members"

has released a cover
of Lorde's catchy tune "Royals"
which goes

"Every song you sing's
bare-teeth ragin'

sinnin' in the bedroom 
bloodlust coffin 
trashin' your Creator."

It's not really
Westboro's fault
that most of the world

(when given the choice)
has chosen sinnin'
in the bedroom now

rather than sittin'
on a cloud for eternity

upon conclusion
of their finite human lifespans.

This poem © 2014 Emily Cooper.

Pride (In The Name of U 2)

New York City's new mayor
Bill de Blasio
today chose to boycott

the annual St. Patrick’s Day Parade
on Fifth Avenue

because of its policy
that prohibits all displays
of gay identification.

Ann Northrop
a member of advocacy group
Queer Nation New York said

"To say that gay people
should not march
as who they are
as out Irish gay people

when the police
and fire departments
march as who they are

is just hypocritical
and nonsensical."

Lucky the Leprechaun
spokesperson for Lucky Charms

a pastel-colored
marshmallow cereal

which has long been sold
in a bright red
and rainbow-adorned box

could unfortunately
not be reached for comment.

This poem © 2014 Emily Cooper.

Under the Radar

More than 40 ships
and 39 planes
from 12 different countries

are combing the oceans
in search of Malaysian Airlines'
Flight 370

which disappeared
a week ago.

Today it seems
that the word "ephemeral"
has become just that.

Humans can collect
the minutiae of our species
and sift through it forever

collecting a jumbled array
bits and pieces

the most trivial
context-free news mixed
with the vital looming
and consequential.

We accept
the bad effects
that come from this power

because we know
to be continuously
surrounded by information

means no one
can stay lost.

This poem © 2014 Emily Cooper.

A Pope Invited

John Boehner
the Republican Speaker of the
American House

has invited Pope Francis
the Liberal Speaker

for God's Dictatorship
of Newfound Gay
and Marxist Tolerance

to address a joint meeting
of Congress.

Boehner says the Pope
has inspired our nation
to reflect on the principles

of "human dignity
freedom
and social justice."

Nancy Pelosi
House Minority Leader
and known Democrat
also expressed

her support
for inviting him.

Now in fact
both members
are Catholic

but still
Pope Benedict's mere existence
didn't inspire
that same bright spot

of rare bipartisan agreement
(or even lip service)

to that strange
uncomfortable concept
called "the common good".

This poem © 2014 Emily Cooper.

Not-So Best Life Now

Police say that $600,000
in checks and cash
has been stolen

from Joel Osteen's
Lakewood "mega"
(as in really really
big and holy)
Church.

If he's not careful
the press may end up
capturing a photo

in which he's seen
smiling a bit less broadly
than usual.

This poem © 2014 Emily Cooper.

Ship of the Imagination

Tonight's premiere
of the late
(but not gone to the universe)
Carl Sagan's "Cosmos"

is being billed
as the largest launch
of any TV series ever.

One notable aspect
of the premiere is when
the rock star astrophysicist

host Neil deGrasse Tyson
compresses all our
recorded history

to 14 seconds
of a year superimposed
on a 6.8-billion-year timeline.

Executive producer
and widow to Sagan
Ann Druyan
remarks

"It’s the courage of questions
of grasping
our true circumstances

and not pretending
we are at the center
of it all
that is adulthood."

"This show
is a celebration of life."

This poem © 2014 Emily Cooper.

Don't Put The Blame On You

Tonight the household
of this poet
is without the power provided
by Duke Energy

a former employer of
and current donor to
North Carolina Republican governor
Pat McCrory.

This poet knows better
than to Blame Him For The Rain
(however icy)

that was fallin' fallin'
and the resulting inconvenience

but perhaps that corrupt
Milli Vanilli
should reconvene for

Blamin' Him
For The Eighty Thousand Tons
of Coal Ash in The River?

This poem © 2014 Emily Cooper.

Putin On Airs (Hillary's Rebuttal)

Putin ain't Hitler.
He just says Hitler-like things
for Hitler-like aims.

This poem © 2014 Emily Cooper.

Morally Straight

Listen up Boy Scouts
from plucky young Tenderfoot
to noble collegiate
Eagle Scout

Be Prepared
for the cessation
of all hugs
from Mickey Mouse.

Disney is "proud"
to cut off your funding
which is too bad

because that
old campfire song

"Don't let
your gay babies
grow up to be leaders"

is such a catchy little tune.

This poem © 2014 Emily Cooper.

Popular Vote

Donald A. Redelmeier
an epidemiologist
from the University of Toronto

in 2001
compared the lifespans
of Oscar winners
to those of mere nominees

and found
that the winners
lived about 4 years longer
(to age 80
instead of 76).

So putting aside
the nitpicky observation

that correlation does not
imply causation

perhaps we could
start to solve
social and economic inequalities

by voting
for this country's

least fortunate
(and most burdened)
as "Most Likely to Succeed".

This poem © 2014 Emily Cooper.