Thursday, April 30, 2015

Ogden National Treasures

Donald Trump's Spring has sprung

(more than a month late
but whatever)

his renewed desire
to upend Obama has "riz"

and only he thinks
that putting him in charge

is where
the revolutionary change
in America's heart is.

This poem © 2015 Emily Cooper.

Monday, April 27, 2015

Mis-under-esteemed Colleagues

It's both reasonable and a duty
for American citizens

to keep their presidents in check
when it comes

to how they conduct
their affairs

(well really 
"our" affairs

as he is
one of us)

in far-off lands.

And technically
former President George W. Bush
is an American citizen

so there should be nothing 
ironic or strange
about him being concerned

with Obama causing "chaos"
in the Middle East

and giving him advice.


he's just doing his duty.

(It probably
just seems weird

because we haven't
heard from him
in a while.)

This poem © 2015 Emily Cooper.

Friday, April 24, 2015

Lead Me On

On day 166

the Loretta Lynch
Attorney General confirmation status

is still no.

Oh wait

the Loretta Lynch
Attorney General confirmation status

has just been updated
to yes.

Forgive us
our incredulity

when documenting
this breakneck speed

of bipartisan decision-making

(with one of the "Yea" votes

being cuddly and lovable
stalwart of change

Majority Leader
Mitch McConnell)

in Congress.

This poem © 2015 Emily Cooper.

Wednesday, April 22, 2015

Drill Baby Drill

Even liberal-leaning Millennials
don't universally love
the Buzzfeed-ification
of journalism

but sometimes
we have no other choice
to get our point across.

So this Earth Day
and beyond

Please Don't "D" Over
Our Earth

("D" standing for "Drill"

for what else
could it possibly mean?)

or we'll be left
with a "Dearth"

and that's pretty bad

Now weep as you imagine
these 25 endangered habitats

covered in avocado
and/or Nutella.

This poem © 2015 Emily Cooper.

Monday, April 20, 2015

One Toke Over the Line

There's some sad news
for any environmentally-conscious potheads

who want to toke the pain away
about California's drought.

The average marijuana plant
uses a whopping six gallons
of water per day

while wine grapes
by comparison
take only 3.3 gallons.

You may also be putting
freshwater salmon and trout
in danger

and since many other animals
feed on these fish
it could affect the entire food chain.

On the bright side
maybe some pothead
with a capitalist streak

can devise a synthetic
gluten-free "Paleo Weed"
based on what cavemen and -women
used to buy
from their friendly underground dealers

before plants were invented.

This poem © 2015 Emily Cooper.

Saturday, April 18, 2015

Little Red Menace

Elmo may be
a red and fuzzy
pint-sized irritation

who refers to himself
in the third person
(or third muppet)

and even gets
his own strange little "World"

but when he's teamed up
with US Surgeon General Vivek Murthy
and the Department of Health and Human Services

after the conclusion
of the California measles outbreak

to tell parents the importance
of getting vaccinated

maybe the kids
should turn up the volume.

This poem © 2015 Emily Cooper.

Thursday, April 16, 2015

Chopped and Skewed

Over the past few years

scientists studying chimpanzees
who live
in the Fongoli region of Senegal

have amassed evidence
revealing that females
are more likely than males

to hunt and skewer their food

(typically adorable-but-less-creepy
fuzzy Furby-like creatures
commonly called "bush babies")

using skewers
made from tree branches

as opposed to their bare hands.

As to how this relates

to Hillary Clinton
making an un-publicized stop
at Chipotle

this remains to be seen

by Fox News's
Science Advisory Board

(and only after
a careful and thorough investigation

with absolutely
no hyperbole

in its presentation
of the facts).

This poem © 2015 Emily Cooper.

Tuesday, April 14, 2015

Destiny Produces the Man

President Obama
plans to remove Cuba

from the State Department's list
of nations that sponsor terror.

For we shall no longer
base our national policy

on the cautionary tale
provided by The Simpsons

when Homer

(after providing false information
on his taxes
and hoping to stay
out of jail)

Mr. Burns and Smithers

are sent by the FBI
to try to obtain
a trillion-dollar bill

that Mr. Burns
didn't deliver to Europe
after World War II.

Mr. Burns debates
over whether to hand over
a trillion-dollar bill
to Fidel Castro

and Homer says
"Mr. Burns
I think we can trust
the President of Cuba"

who is begged
to give it back

but to the surprise of no one
asks "What bill?"

and the trio
end up taking a raft
back to the US.

And now
Republican Presidential hopeful
Marco Rubio

whose parents fled Cuba
(though well before Castro ruled)

will either have to stop
endorsing the US

in his speeches to Americans

as a concept
his party is willing to defend

(as we were all too willing
to negotiate)

or flee to a country
where political feuds
against perceived enemies never end.

If he were smart

he'd stay here
and try to one-up Hillary
on immigration.

Rumor has it
that in recent years

she's visited more than a handful
of foreign countries

under closely-guarded circumstances

(all endorsed
by the Obama administration).

This poem © 2015 Emily Cooper.

Sunday, April 12, 2015

The Carolina Charter

Goodbye North Carolina historian

William Stevens Powell

who died on Friday
at the age of 95.

You wrote more than one hundred
books and articles

chronicling the state
this poet calls home.

So do tell us

whether we can learn
from the past

or are doomed to repeat
Governor Pat McCrory
and Company's
(so to speak)


This poem © 2015 Emily Cooper.

Thursday, April 9, 2015

Rand-om Acts of Open-Mindedness

Attention all workers

Rand Paul believes
in the dignity and value of work.

Is this guy
some kind of socialist?

He certainly doesn't think

any oppressive government regulations
should be put in place

that might hinder your ability
to enjoy your dignity.

So nope

not a socialist.

However even with
his more-libertarian positions watered down
to match those of
the elite GOP base

if he's still at all serious
about reducing mass incarceration

and fulfilling his dream
of a world

where "any law that disproportionately incarcerates
people of color
is repealed"

for them

that might be
a crisis of conscience.

This poem © 2015 Emily Cooper.

Tuesday, April 7, 2015

No Gaytering

Memories Pizza's
baked with nearly a million
in homophobes' bucks

and it's made with love.

This poem © 2015 Emily Cooper.

Monday, April 6, 2015

Outsource Your Convictions

Just a reminder to Jeb Bush

that even though "Hispanic"

is counted as an ethnicity
and not a race
on the Census

and we don't doubt
that you have Mexican and Venezuelan
"street cred"

via your wife Columba
and a stint as an English teacher
in your mid-20s

exploring the possibility
of entering the presidential race

has nothing to do
with re-enacting

an ancient Dave Chappelle skit
on your signed
voter-registration form.

When you once said

that you didn't think that
"a party can aspire
to be the majority party
if it's the old white guy party"

you could also
try to stand out
amongst your fellow Republicans

by trying a new tack
of actually being your "own man"

and stop mooching
off your brother George.

This poem © 2015 Emily Cooper.

Saturday, April 4, 2015

Passing Through

When the human race
enters a New New World

what will that mean
we've left behind?

According to a Passover Haggadah
written 40 years ago

it might be

"the making of war
the teaching of hate and violence
despoliation of the earth

perversion of justice
and of government"

(though it provides this poet
with very much material)

"fomenting of vice and crime
neglect of human needs
oppression of nations and peoples
corruption of culture

subjugation of science
learning and human discourse"

and "the erosion of freedoms".

Some things never change

but repeating that line
won't change them either.

This poem © 2015 Emily Cooper.

Thursday, April 2, 2015

Better Be What You Want

Ken Hughes

a researcher
at the University of Virginia

wanted a tiny sliver
of the Nixon-era tapes
he's spent his career studying

but was denied.

The Obama administration
is keeping secret

four seconds
of audio from
January 12 1973

because according to
a National Security Agency spokesperson

the information contained
in the span of time

it takes for Buzzfeed
to create and dissolve
its own memes

"would reveal information
that would impair
U.S. cryptologic systems or activities."

Historians concur
that the segment

probably refers to Lyndon Johnson
threatening to expose
the Nixon presidential campaign's attempts

to derail the 1968
peace talks in Paris

right when a little thing
called the Vietnam War
was going on.

Some would argue
in favor of its declassification

for freedom-of-information reasons.

However it really is
a detriment to pop music

as Madonna just released
her latest album "Rebel Heart"

and she could've made
a follow-up to her 2008 hit
with Justin Timberlake and Timbaland 
"4 Minutes"

called "4 Seconds."

Because maybe sometimes

"we only got 4 seconds
to save the world"

but at least
it has a good beat.

This poem © 2015 Emily Cooper.

Wednesday, April 1, 2015

The Future of Resistance

(Sung by Indiana Governor Mike Pence)
(Apologies to Leonard Cohen)

There are fewer folks that side

side with my intentions

and I'm nothing
but the spirit

of my measures anymore.

The boycotts
the boycotts
have crossed the threshold

and I have overwritten
the words with words

to Band-Aid
this discrimination hole.

When they said "Fuck Pence"
"Fuck Pence"
"Fuck Pence"

I wonder what they meant?

This poem © 2015 Emily Cooper.