Tuesday, December 29, 2015

First Breach Doctrine

Security researchers

have discovered
that more than 191 million

US voter records

containing voter names and addresses
voter ID numbers
phone numbers

birth dates
and political parties

are now visible
to the public.

Most states currently already allow
access to some of this information

as a matter
of public record

though in South Dakota
for example

access comes with stipulations
against selling the data.

The breach appears
to have been caused

by a third-party firm
that bought the data
from software company Nation Builder

owned by venture capitalist 
Ben Horowitz

and Napster co-founder
and Facebook's first president
Sean Parker

then sold it
at a lower cost

to political campaigns.

Mama don't let

your voter records
grow up to be

data breaches.

(As if the emails
from the DNC

weren't incredibly personal
date invitations

from the president already.)

This poem © 2015 Emily Cooper.

Saturday, December 26, 2015

Dynamic Personal Mobility

Pope Francis says
of the atheists

who don't really care
one way or the other

about what God
does not have to offer

that they will still
get into the same place

in which they
have no reason to believe

as will followers
of the Christian God.

He says

"God’s mercy has no limits
if you go to him
with a sincere and contrite heart.

The issue for those
who do not believe in God

is to obey their conscience."

In effect
nothing has changed

and atheists worldwide
will no doubt respond

"Okay cool.

What do you think
we've been doing?"

But they take for granted

that the Pope
had to pull a lot of strings
with God

to upgrade them
from "eternal damnation."

(And right when God
was working

through Santa Claus
to help him deliver

2 billion Hoverboards.)

This poem © 2015 Emily Cooper.

Wednesday, December 23, 2015

Boy Vey

In his latest Tweets
Donald Trump
now seems less bothered

by the fact
that Hillary Clinton

who said he has
a "penchant for sexism"

was absent
for a brief moment

at the start
of the Democratic debates

on Saturday

and more bothered
that a female person

might have to go
to the bathroom in the first place.

"I know where she went.
It's disgusting.

I don't want to talk about it."

This not-talking-about-it

accompanies another Tweet
defending his choice of words

when observing
that the Democratic candidate

was "schlonged" by President Obama
during the 2008 campaign.

Either that comment
is also incredibly sexist

(and it's not like Trump
is a big fan
of Obama's immutable attributes either)

or the "schmuck"
needs to learn himself some Yiddish

before he whips out
his penchant again.

This poem © 2015 Emily Cooper.

Sunday, December 20, 2015

The Scorn Trooper

On Saturday

Hillary Clinton
walked in about a minute late

relaxed and unfazed

to the Democratic debate
on ABC

hearkening back
to the debate
on October 13th

when she joked
that it took her longer to pee

than her male colleagues

Rumor has it

she was actually tweeting Donald Trump
and his supporters

a "huge spoiler"

about the new Star Wars movie

namely that a black actor
plays a Stormtrooper

and smugly anticipating

the waves of support
in her direction

and the subsequent sycophancy
of Trump's followers

caused by such a revelation

when Trump complained
about the "politically correct" casting.

It's true no news stories exist
to corroborate that rumor

but at least that would explain

why Trump tweeted
"It was really strange
when Hillary was missing

from the podium last night.

Not very presidential!"

rather than criticizing ABC
for airing the debate
a minute too soon.

He seems truly hurt

and granted her campaign
is more than
a little hawkish

but he'll probably get over it
soon enough.

This poem © 2015 Emily Cooper.

Thursday, December 17, 2015

Crimea River

Now that Donald Trump
has received the ringing endorsement

of charismatic Russian leader
Vladimir Putin

who called him
“a very bright and talented man” and

“the absolute leader
of the presidential race”

we can soon expect
a 2016 shirtless-horseback-riding
and protester-heckling calendar

and not a moment too soon.

Every other country
will wish they were
on such good terms

and Bernie Sanders will be upset
that Trump single-handedly
brought about the end of Communism

(the 1991 dissolution
of the Communist Party
being a hoax

of course).

And only a 13-year-old
Justin Timberlake song

will be the appropriate Tweeted response
to all of Trump's haters.

"Don't it make
you sad about it?"

This poem © 2015 Emily Cooper.

Monday, December 14, 2015

Bully Pulpit

After his luncheon
with Killer Mike

Bernie Sanders
must be trying out
his rap skills on Twitter

when he writes
"In my view
we need to invest in jobs and education

not jails and incarceration"

and rues that "Today no piece of legislation
gets onto the floor

of the US Senate

unless it was bought
and paid for."

The message is good
and it rhymes

though the meter
a little clunky.

But it flows better

than Donald Trump's
new beef

with Ted Cruz.

"I was disappointed that Ted Cruz
would speak
behind my back

get caught
and then deny it.

Well welcome
to the wonderful world
of politics!"

It's got a juvenile

that should appeal

to all the bullies
in middle school

who are running smear campaigns
for class president.

(Though sixth-graders
tend to have
terrible taste in music.)

This poem © 2015 Emily Cooper.

Friday, December 11, 2015

Negotiable Assets

For the first time ever

women in Saudi Arabia
are allowed both to vote
and to run

in elections

and Uber has teamed up
with the Al-Nahda Philanthropic Society for Women

to offer them free rides
to the polls

since they are still
barred from driving.

Maybe because
unlike with the supposedly un-Christian
red Starbucks cups

he hasn't yet found

some random guy on YouTube
ranting about it

Donald Trump hasn't proposed
a registry or a ban on women

and they'll probably
get to keep voting

as long as they're attractive.

This poem © 2015 Emily Cooper.

Tuesday, December 8, 2015

Surviving at the Top

Until December 13
the Hour of Code

an event created
by the non-profit Code.org

to encourage instructors
to give each of their students

one hour of time
learning computer science

is in progress.

Amazon CEO Jeff Bezos
did a rare Tweet

offering to send Donald Trump
into space

after Trump Tweeted
that Bezos

was using his purchase
of The Washington Post

as a tax shelter
for the online store.

Bezos may already
have a rocket

through his private space company
Blue Origin

but in this case
maybe a world of kids

each with one line of C
or one neuron
of a rocket's brain

at a time

are the future

(and maybe so are
some bankrupt
Trump space hotels).

This poem © 2015 Emily Cooper.

Saturday, December 5, 2015

All in the Same Gang

This Hanukkah 
it would only be right

if you took the time

to "act like you"
didn't "forget about"
the Dr. Dreidel

(to quote a verse)

featuring the visage
of actor and rapper
Andre Young

who goes by
the stage name Dr. Dre.

Conceptual artist Heather Rothstein
used the service You3DIt.com

to request the four-sided top
with the usual Hebrew characters

be replaced with
his appropriate expressions.

Gimmel meaning "take all"
is Dre giving
a thumbs-up.

Hay or "take half"
is Dre looking somewhat smug.

Nun or "take nothing"
has him looking bored and bemused

and Shin or "put one in"
makes the good doctor
put a gun to his head

and makes one think
he should see
a licensed doctor immediately

given the generally low cost
of the chocolate coins

which are commonly used
to "gamble".

Unfortunately the product
is not for sale

but it should nonetheless
improve the holiday's
lucky-triumph-through-scarcity mythology

and more importantly
its bling quotient
compared with Christmas.

This poem © 2015 Emily Cooper.

Wednesday, December 2, 2015

Rare As Opposed to Normal

Taking full advantage
of his media platform

Donald Trump
is going to Israel

and Obama
is trying to find the words
to respond to another mass shooting.

But only one of them

will speak about real events
involving hundreds of people

who have actually
been witnessed doing things.

This poem © 2015 Emily Cooper.