Chronic Conditions

President Obama
has commuted the sentences

of 61 drug offenders.

Whoopi Goldberg

wants to start
a new line of weed

to help women ease the pain
of their menstrual cramps

and has teamed up
with owner of Om Edibles
Maya Eastman

to create "Maya & Whoopi".

The company will offer edibles
tinctures and topical rubs

though the products
will for the time being
only be available in California.

And Donald Trump
has claimed that women who get
illegal abortions

should be punished

then quickly recanted the statement

after being roundly condemned
by both pro-choice
and pro-life groups.

What all these stories
have in common
is that legalized marijuana

may be the only way
women et cetera

can cope with the side effects
of a Trump presidency.

(The resulting paranoia
comes from the Trump

not from the weed.)

This poem © 2016 Emily Cooper.

Birdie Sanders

Bernie Sanders
has won Washington
Oregon and Hawaii

and on Friday

at a rally
in Portland

a small bird
unexpectedly landed on his podium

surrounded by a chorus of cheers
from the crowd

and Sanders
used it as an opportunity

to say that the bird
was really a dove

telling us 
that there should be
no more war.

And meanwhile
that bald eagle

which attacked Donald Trump

is reportedly
still not on speaking terms

with the Republican candidate.

This poem © 2016 Emily Cooper.

We Are Not This

Following the terrible attacks in Belgium

the governor of this poet's home state
Pat McCrory

thought the wisest course of action

to preclude such a thing
happening in North Carolina

would be to pass a bill
which undoes the right
of transgender people

to terrorize our public restrooms
and hopelessly confuse us

by using the men's or women's room
as corresponds to their gender identity

and not the one
to which they were assigned at birth

and in addition
which prohibits municipalities
from passing their own ordinances

which cater
to transgender people

or to the rest
of the LGBT community at all.

And thus
North Carolina
remains a safe place

for Pat McCrory

(for now).

This poem © 2016 Emily Cooper.

Having A New Start

And so has been reached
the exciting conclusion

of what President Obama started
in December of 2014

when he said
"Today the United States of America
is changing its relationship

with the people of Cuba"

after today he met
with President Raúl Castro

in Havana

for an historic visit
including an unprecedented
question-and-answer session.

Well really
more like the beginning

as soon as the US lifts
the trade embargo

and as we all forget
the awkward final handshake

between the two leaders

(while perhaps remembering
its unintentional symbolism).

This poem © 2016 Emily Cooper.

Less-than-Basic Instinct

Lest it be thought
that Donald Trump

would only mock a protester
or a reporter

or someone from
a minority group

be they either of the aforementioned
or merely existing

it should be known
that at a rally on Monday

with the latest former
GOP-candidate-turned-reluctant-endorser
Chris Christie
by his side

Trump used him
to make a point

about "absentee" governors
saying that “even more than Chris Christie"

Ohio Governor John Kasich

"was there”
as someone
campaigning in New Hampshire

and thereby
not governing his own state

then non-apologized to his mortified ally
by saying

“I hated to do that
but I had to make my point.”

Luckily for Trump

his "primary consultant"

told him
it was okay.

This poem © 2016 Emily Cooper.

Inciting a Why Not

To the Cumberland County
Sheriff's Department

who was considering
charging Donald Trump

with inciting a riot
but then decided against it

and who don't normally make decisions

based on the words of poets

please take a moment
to reconsider.

And this taxpayer

will happily pay
your legal fees.

This poem © 2016 Emily Cooper.

Some Mission Accomplished

Nothing motivates people
on the other side
of the aisle

to rally around you
or at least
to dislike you less

quite like accusing them

whether as justification
for arresting them

or otherwise

of being ISIS supporters.

This poem © 2016 Emily Cooper.

Getting Primed

(Apologies to Herman's Hermits)

There's a kind of hush
all through the GOP debate tonight.

All through the debate
you can hear the sound

of policy discussed

and not being mean?

(At least
until March 15th.)

This poem © 2016 Emily Cooper.

Better Make This Count

Goodbye Nancy Reagan.

From early accusations

that you were returning
the White House

to a pre-feminist era
of fancy entertainment

expensive china
and designer gowns

to your "Just Say No"
anti-drug campaign

to your nickname
at the end of your husband's career

as a "dragon lady"
who wielded excessive power
and astrology

over the Reagan administration

to your vocal advocacy
for Alzheimer's research

and later
for embryonic stem cell research

you led a varied life.

And with your quote

"A woman is like a tea bag.

You can not tell
how strong she is

until you put her
in hot water"

you will be remembered
for the most positive
and least offensive

(either in a triggered visual
or political sense)

modern allusion to "teabagging".

This poem © 2016 Emily Cooper.

Diplomatic Immunity

Scientists at the University College London

have made 
a major breakthrough

that may further bolster immunotherapies
as effective and individualized treatments
for cancer.

They say they have discovered
a way to identify
similar markings

that show up
in different tumors.

And now the GOP

may have found
Donald Trump's Achilles' heel

which may involve
bringing to light

not the size
of his anatomy

(a smear
which Trump easily denied)

but a business history

littered with many bankrupt companies

and most of the 17 "Trump" buildings
in Manhattan

for which he has merely
licensed his name
but does not own.

The only hard part

or at least the first part

of the de-Trumping process
will be finding and fighting

all the little pieces
in the party and electorate

that look like him.

(The second part
is replacing them

with something that doesn't.)

This poem © 2016 Emily Cooper.

The Recycle Bin

Among the newly released documents
seized from Osama bin Laden's
compound in Pakistan

on May 2 of 2011

is an undated letter
"to the American people"

appearing to have been written
shortly after President Obama
took office in 2009

and which blames corporate lobbyists
for the then-recent financial crisis

and the wars
in Iraq and Afghanistan. 

His letter calls on Americans
to launch "a great revolution for freedom"

to liberate Obama
from these concerns.

In a separate and unsigned letter

bin Laden encourages
a close aide

to stage a media campaign

on the tenth anniversary
of the World Trade Center attacks

September 11 2011

to force Americans to make
"a rational decision
to save humanity

from the harmful gases
that threaten its destiny"

rather than continue
its perceived war against Islam.

It can only be imagined

just how the beliefs
of a long-dead man
killed during Obama's administration

will persuade
Republican presidential candidates

to claim Democrats
are supporting terrorism
by fighting climate change.

This poem © 2016 Emily Cooper.