We Ourselves and I

This poet tries to retreat
to center

a silent desert
of the brain
(or de la Soul)

tumbleweeds of neurons
purely and wholly
formed within

and the external
cannot enter.

An ironic pastime maybe
for a poet of the news

for bias molds
the stories

and the self
is forever
circumstance-imbued.

This poem © 2014 Emily Cooper.

Lilly Led-Could-Be-Better

Oh yes it's ladies' night
babe dough transparent-like

Oh yes it's ladies' night
Oh what a night
(Oh what a night)

O's gon' grip his pen and write
and mind that gap all right

Oh yes it's ladies' night
Oh what a night.

This poem © 2014 Emily Cooper.

Here We Are Now

This poet can appreciate
the sentiment behind
"hoping you die before
you get old"

and leaving a world
that feels deaf to your art
before you resign yourself
to them.

Twenty years on
we have new photos
of your death
and the world

the world is wiser
and not.

You did what you thought
was right at the time
and we understand why

while still missing you terribly

and wishing we could
talk with you.

This poem © 2014 Emily Cooper.

Sheepish Expression

Since the birth
of a rare goat-sheep hybrid
on Irishman Paddy Murphy's farm
two weeks ago

(rare because the two animals
are genetically distant

not because Bono's
livestock serenading fee

for "In The Name of Love"
has gotten so steep lately)

the little "geep" is thriving
and is already running around

unlike those lazy lambs
who lack leverage of their limbs.

He faces no ostracization
from his non-Muggle siblings

and says he may
become a singer
in a glamb rock band.

This poem © 2014 Emily Cooper.

Message in a Bottle

Today Pope Francis
and Queen Elizabeth II
met in Rome.

This is old hat to her
and we all know
she's got so very many

(and she can wear
any hat any time

anywhere she pleases
thank you very much).

She's visited with
four other popes
over her career

(one such visit
was during her "internship").

The Queen kept things
far more chill
than in years past.

She doesn't know Italian
and he doesn't know
Her Majesty's English

but he gave her
a scroll from 1679
inscribed with the message
"Urbi et Orbi"

meaning "To the City
and the World"

and a little something
for baby George.

She gave him a collection
of "jams and drinks"

including a bottle of whiskey
from Balmoral Castle
in Aberdeenshire Scotland.

Sources cannot confirm
whether or not the Queen

mouthed and made
the sign for "call me"
as the two parted ways.

This poem © 2014 Emily Cooper.

YOLO'ing on the River

Duke Energy says to the judge
keep citizen groups away

from our three dozen
coal ash pits strewn
across North Carolina.

The Department of Environment
and Natural Resources says

keep away the pollution
from the drinking water.

Duke's CEO says
to the public
that they won't keep away 
from responsibility.

Federal prosecutors
have said 23 times
the corporation can't keep away
from the law

more specifically
the U.S. Clean Water Act.

Hey Duke honey
sweet darling

dude you're 114 years old
and even your great-grandkids

think this game
of "keep away" is lame

(and the coal ash
says he'd now rather
pal around with the nerds).

This poem © 2014 Emily Cooper.

Gutting Our Promise

Obamacare enrollment is over
and sign-ups
are still rolling in

rapidly approaching
the 7 million mark

(which may or may not
be reached exactly).

This poet remembers
those clocks counting down
the days remaining
to the end of the Bush administration.

(Sold as novelties
but didn't really feel
like such at the time.)

Call Democrats
(and Republicans
and Independents
and unaffiliated
and just plain tired people)

smug for then wishing
a swift end to crap

since after all
what effs us up beyond all repair
can only make us stronger.

And yes right-leaning dudes
and ladies in Congress

Obama's record
actually ain't a perfect bastion
of liberal wet dreams
(believe it or not
not that you'd want it to be)

but that's where
the conversation starts
the action starts
the change starts

not in daily closing your eyes
praying for and declaring
the End of Days.

This poem © 2014 Emily Cooper.

Above the Law

Steven Seagal spoke
to the Russian state-owned
newspaper Rossiyskaya Gazeta

coming out in favor
of Vladimir Putin

calling him "one of the great
living world leaders"

and that he "would like
to consider him
as a brother."

He might even become
a Russian citizen.

In Russia
Seagal's popularity
has never waned

and his movies
still draw millions of rubles
at the box office.

A potentially great
comedic pairing
it could be

with Putin teaching Seagal
the soft side
of posing for photo ops
riding shirtless on a horse

and Seagal showing Putin
the coolest Aikido moves

for single-handedly
promoting "martial" law.

This poem © 2014 Emily Cooper.

Yeshua Ben Yo'self

(Apologies to original artist Vera Hall and DJ Moby)

O'Reilly
his trouble so hard
O'Reilly
his trouble so hard

He's misunderstood like
the Son of God

He's misunderstood like
the Son of God.

This poem © 2014 Emily Cooper.

Aliens and Sedition

Astronomers have discovered
the 280-mile wide
dwarf planet "2012 VP113"

with an orbit so big
it never gets closer
than 12 billion kilometers
from the Sun

and that they have
nicknamed "Biden"
after our beloved Joe.

The star-gazers speculate
that there may exist
a "Super Earth"
up to 10 times our size

that orbits the Sun
at such a great distance
it has not yet been seen.

Space news
always gives us humans
a unifying break

from our earthly
ideological struggles

but this poet
would advise the namers
of the dwarf planet

to brainstorm a new one
right quick

before Fox News
in its fair and balanced
and nuanced way

implicates Biden
in covering up Obama's
true place of birth.

This poem © 2014 Emily Cooper.

Capstone Heart

Attention all females
from "K" through tenth grade
this is just a reminder

that Grand Junction’s
Caprock Academy

has not
and does not
and will never tolerate

such flagrant floutings
of gender norms
like shaving one's head

and then re-entering
our fine school
sans pretty hat or wig

even if said shaving

was performed
in a show of solidarity
with a cancer-stricken friend.

This poem © 2014 Emily Cooper.

Till Things Are Brighter

In two days the world
will hear a new-to-them
Johnny Cash recording

from 1984 called
"Out Among the Stars"

the album which
Columbia Records
deemed probable cause
for dropping him
from the label.

Johnny's son John Cash
discovered the tracks
when his father died in 2003
and invited

the original guitarist
Marty Stuart to lay down
new guitar solos

dobro master
Jerry Douglas to add
much-needed "twang"

and Carlene Carter
one of June's daughters
from a previous marriage

to add a third harmony
to "Baby Ride Easy".

Though the record
is unlikely to knock
"Happy" Pharrell
off the charts

John believes
it serves a purpose
and says of his late dad
the Man in Black

"He was a man of a lot of laughter.
Why not let the light endure?"

This poem © 2014 Emily Cooper.

When Pontiff Francis Come For You

Your blood-stained money
can't take

Your blood-stained power
can't take (with you)

No joy you'll find
from these lives you take

End up in Hell
if stay on path you take

Bad mobs
bad mobs
whatcha gonna do

whatcha gonna do
when the Pope 'demns you?

This poem © 2014 Emily Cooper.

Lorde Lordy

Westboro Baptist Church
who recently excommunicated

their ailing founder
Fred Phelps the Senior

(who ironically
in the 1960s founded
the Phelps Chartered law firm

and represented
African-American clients
in civil rights cases)

for allegedly
making a plea
for "kinder treatment
of fellow church members"

has released a cover
of Lorde's catchy tune "Royals"
which goes

"Every song you sing's
bare-teeth ragin'

sinnin' in the bedroom 
bloodlust coffin 
trashin' your Creator."

It's not really
Westboro's fault
that most of the world

(when given the choice)
has chosen sinnin'
in the bedroom now

rather than sittin'
on a cloud for eternity

upon conclusion
of their finite human lifespans.

This poem © 2014 Emily Cooper.

Pride (In The Name of U 2)

New York City's new mayor
Bill de Blasio
today chose to boycott

the annual St. Patrick’s Day Parade
on Fifth Avenue

because of its policy
that prohibits all displays
of gay identification.

Ann Northrop
a member of advocacy group
Queer Nation New York said

"To say that gay people
should not march
as who they are
as out Irish gay people

when the police
and fire departments
march as who they are

is just hypocritical
and nonsensical."

Lucky the Leprechaun
spokesperson for Lucky Charms

a pastel-colored
marshmallow cereal

which has long been sold
in a bright red
and rainbow-adorned box

could unfortunately
not be reached for comment.

This poem © 2014 Emily Cooper.

Under the Radar

More than 40 ships
and 39 planes
from 12 different countries

are combing the oceans
in search of Malaysian Airlines'
Flight 370

which disappeared
a week ago.

Today it seems
that the word "ephemeral"
has become just that.

Humans can collect
the minutiae of our species
and sift through it forever

collecting a jumbled array
bits and pieces

the most trivial
context-free news mixed
with the vital looming
and consequential.

We accept
the bad effects
that come from this power

because we know
to be continuously
surrounded by information

means no one
can stay lost.

This poem © 2014 Emily Cooper.

A Pope Invited

John Boehner
the Republican Speaker of the
American House

has invited Pope Francis
the Liberal Speaker

for God's Dictatorship
of Newfound Gay
and Marxist Tolerance

to address a joint meeting
of Congress.

Boehner says the Pope
has inspired our nation
to reflect on the principles

of "human dignity
freedom
and social justice."

Nancy Pelosi
House Minority Leader
and known Democrat
also expressed

her support
for inviting him.

Now in fact
both members
are Catholic

but still
Pope Benedict's mere existence
didn't inspire
that same bright spot

of rare bipartisan agreement
(or even lip service)

to that strange
uncomfortable concept
called "the common good".

This poem © 2014 Emily Cooper.

Not-So Best Life Now

Police say that $600,000
in checks and cash
has been stolen

from Joel Osteen's
Lakewood "mega"
(as in really really
big and holy)
Church.

If he's not careful
the press may end up
capturing a photo

in which he's seen
smiling a bit less broadly
than usual.

This poem © 2014 Emily Cooper.

Ship of the Imagination

Tonight's premiere
of the late
(but not gone to the universe)
Carl Sagan's "Cosmos"

is being billed
as the largest launch
of any TV series ever.

One notable aspect
of the premiere is when
the rock star astrophysicist

host Neil deGrasse Tyson
compresses all our
recorded history

to 14 seconds
of a year superimposed
on a 6.8-billion-year timeline.

Executive producer
and widow to Sagan
Ann Druyan
remarks

"It’s the courage of questions
of grasping
our true circumstances

and not pretending
we are at the center
of it all
that is adulthood."

"This show
is a celebration of life."

This poem © 2014 Emily Cooper.

Don't Put The Blame On You

Tonight the household
of this poet
is without the power provided
by Duke Energy

a former employer of
and current donor to
North Carolina Republican governor
Pat McCrory.

This poet knows better
than to Blame Him For The Rain
(however icy)

that was fallin' fallin'
and the resulting inconvenience

but perhaps that corrupt
Milli Vanilli
should reconvene for

Blamin' Him
For The Eighty Thousand Tons
of Coal Ash in The River?

This poem © 2014 Emily Cooper.

Putin On Airs (Hillary's Rebuttal)

Putin ain't Hitler.
He just says Hitler-like things
for Hitler-like aims.

This poem © 2014 Emily Cooper.

Morally Straight

Listen up Boy Scouts
from plucky young Tenderfoot
to noble collegiate
Eagle Scout

Be Prepared
for the cessation
of all hugs
from Mickey Mouse.

Disney is "proud"
to cut off your funding
which is too bad

because that
old campfire song

"Don't let
your gay babies
grow up to be leaders"

is such a catchy little tune.

This poem © 2014 Emily Cooper.

Popular Vote

Donald A. Redelmeier
an epidemiologist
from the University of Toronto

in 2001
compared the lifespans
of Oscar winners
to those of mere nominees

and found
that the winners
lived about 4 years longer
(to age 80
instead of 76).

So putting aside
the nitpicky observation

that correlation does not
imply causation

perhaps we could
start to solve
social and economic inequalities

by voting
for this country's

least fortunate
(and most burdened)
as "Most Likely to Succeed".

This poem © 2014 Emily Cooper.

People of Good Faith

Today President Obama
announced an initiative
called My Brother's Keeper

to bring attention
to the deeply-rooted plights
facing America's young black men.

He deplored
the country's "numbness".

"It doesn't take much"
he said

"but it takes more
than we are doing now."

Among the attendees
was Bill O'Reilly

who will probably
dig up from his words

an intention
Obama never even
realized he had

but for now
for the sake of sanity

this poet will grant him
a shred of decency.

This poem © 2014 Emily Cooper.

Arizona is A.Z.

(Sung by the Arizona Republicans for SB 1062)

Arizona
where your business
is free to shun
the gays

Yes queers wavin' green
it sure smells keen

but trust us
they'll pay more
in Hell someday

Arizona
this may not
be our song
but that's okay

Arizona
Arizona
A.Z.?

This poem © 2014 Emily Cooper.

Peer Review

Goodbye
Piers Morgan.

Honestly this poet
did not watch
your eponymous show

but has the feeling
that meeting you
would be like meeting
a special friend

one with admirable energy
and similar views
on many hot-button issues

but yet is often
(and tragically so)

insufferable to be around.

This poem © 2014 Emily Cooper.

Brownies

The 13-year-old Girl Scout
Danielle Lei
and her mama

sold 117 boxes
of their signature cookies

outside the Green Cross
medical marijuana clinic
in San Francisco
on Monday.

The Girl Scout Association
of America
is great and all

but do they realize

just how cool
that leaf would look
on a round merit badge?

This poem © 2014 Emily Cooper.

When Problems Come Along

Guitarist Bob Casale
member of
the original Devo

has died.

The name Devo
was derived
from the word "devolution".

In 2010 he said
(of the year 1980)

"De-evolution happened
and now everybody agrees.

They don't think
we're crazy.

They know that it was true."

Yet this poet keeps hope
that one day
we as a people

will successfully whip "it"
into shape.

It's not too late?

This poem © 2014 Emily Cooper.

Sochi

With only
six days remaining
in the Sochi 2014
Winter Olympics

Putin has so far
done an impeccable job
in keeping things
completely heterosexual.

From girl duo t.A.T.u.
who in 2002
released a video

of themselves
ceremonially lip-locking
for the Fatherland

to the dozens of men
who spent years of their lives
devoting themselves

to the patriotic arts
of twirling ribbons

and painstakingly practicing
coordinated dance moves
all for the privilege
of someday

levitating a 3D hybrid
Teletubby-
Alice in Wonderland-rabbit-hole-
and Santa's workshop-
stylized version
of their beloved Mother.

And what of the male
figure skaters
who cut patterns into ice
(with real sharp blades
this poet might add).

Putin
you're doing
a heck of a job.

This poem © 2014 Emily Cooper.

Juno

Hey all
"Juno"
that Ellen Page is gay?
It's true.

In the movie
that quip-for-every-situation
premature preggo said

"I never realized how much
I loved being home

unless I'd been
somewhere really different
for a while."

Paulie Bleeker says
"I always think
you're cute.
I think
you're beautiful."

"Does this change
the movie at all?"

This poem © 2014 Emily Cooper.

This Is Just To Say

(A poem by Chris James Christie)

I have fired
the top aides
that caused traffic problems in
Fort Lee

and which
you probably realized I was
tolerating
for years

Forgive me
they were amenable
so calculating
and so connected

This poem © 2014 Emily Cooper.

Trekking Halls

America's favorite
human rights activist

and culturally-sensitive
ambassador to Ghana

Shirley Temple Black
has died.

In 1975
she said she felt political dialogue
was dominated
by the world's superpowers

that "there weren't
enough countries
talking to the developing countries."

And so
nearly 40 years later
with this still

all-too-true
fact of foreign policy

this poet
nominates Miley Cyrus
for the post
(any country really)

in a symbolic gesture
showing our country
can in fact

let go of the troublesome past
by turning in
one of our own

to the annals of
"Didn't that girl
used to do
something else?"

"How should I know?

This poem © 2014 Emily Cooper.

Moral March

We were many people
waving many banners

marching together
under whatever
we call God

Race gender class
preference for love

(certain folks
dared call us "fringe")

all feeling a sense of resolve
on a cloudy February day

"Forward together
not one step back."

We walked and stood
and were led
by black justice traditions

hearing stories
(from the aforementioned fringe)

of solidarity
and too many
real-life scars.

"It's mighty low"
to use power
to take away

yet Rev. William J. Barber
made sure
not to indict.

"It is not
Democrat versus Republican

It is not 
liberal versus conservative

It is
right versus wrong."

Then he sang the refrain
of "higher ground"
over and over

till we felt the mass
of ourselves

pushing upwards.

This poem © 2014 Emily Cooper.

If I Was Your Congressman

(Sung by Clay Aiken)

What ya doin' tonight
Are you just beating
your head on the wall?

Like you're really alone
Rich men stealing your dreams

Why can't I bring
you into my life?

'Cause I've got
what it takes
to make those
dreams come alive

If I was your congressman
Then I could meet
in every voter's room
If it's me
in congress man
I'd make everything fine tonight

If resolve was unshakable
then I could just
tell you where I stand

I would share my smartest plans
If I was your congressman

Let's just check
and see if I am.

This poem © 2014 Emily Cooper.

Life is a Contribution

In 2011
at the age of 92
after participating

in the New York
Occupy protest
Pete Seeger said

"Be wary
of great leaders.
Hope that there
are many many
small leaders."

This poem © 2014 Emily Cooper.

Everybody's Doin' the Time

Hey childless women
walkin' the streets
you're suckin' hard
on Obama's big teat

Dems say you're a charity case
and you ain't discreet

Keep eggs un-fertilized
on the government's dime

you're complicit
in their slutty crimes.

Take us down
to Mike Huckabee's city

where Uncle Sugar
hands out Yasmin
to the babes
who are pretty

oh won't you please
take us home?

This poem © 2014 Emily Cooper.

Don't Let It Be

When you found yourself
in big big trouble
you used God's authority
to make your priests the victims
Holy See

Rather than reveal their darkness
to some state authority
you were their protection racket
Holy See

Holy See
Holy See
Holy See
Holy See
those children need your answer
Holy See.

This poem © 2014 Emily Cooper.

Bridge Lines

(Apologies to Robin Thicke and Pharrell Williams)

Everybody held up
Everybody held up
Hey hey hey
Hey hey hey

If you didn't know
what Mr. Wildstein say

If you didn't know
your peeps
planned it this way
Maybe you're out of your mind

Everybody held up

We know you're desperate
but you're a "good gov"

Office blocked traffic
Commuters getting spastic
You say "Why you blastin'?"

We hate these bridge lines
We know you want it
We know you want it
We know you want it
But you're a "good gov"

This attention-grabbin'
and bein' so nasty

Lib' children miss classes

Everybody held up

You want to be prez?
What rhymes with "be prez"?

This poem © 2014 Emily Cooper.

Bro Code

It's the New Year
Pope Francis is still yakking
about the world's ills

and that we have
a "responsibility" to work towards
a worldwide
"community of brothers"

(and knowing him
probably sisters too)

who accept
each other's "diversity"
and "take care
of one another".

So this poet will
get off her
irresponsible
liberal duff
reach across the aisle

and wish Barbara Bush
a speedy recovery
who also said

"You get nothing done
if you don't listen to each other."

This poem © 2014 Emily Cooper.