Parlez-Vous Parsey

Google has decided to pick up

where the poll
to pick the name

of the UK's new $300-million-dollar
polar research ship

left off

by calling the newly-released code
for its artificial-intelligence-based
natural language-analyzing tool

Parsey McParseface.

This poem © 2016 Emily Cooper.

Protected Classiness

President Obama

has signed a bill
that declares the bison
to be the country's national mammal.

Though symbolic
the act is nonetheless
an important reminder

to protect the species.

Meanwhile North Carolina Governor
Pat McCrory

has declared the bathroom gender attendant

(frequently a concerned man
entering a women's restroom

to ensure
that there are no men in there)

to be the state's
next protected treasure.


This poem © 2016 Emily Cooper.

Trump's Initiative

Donald Trump
now has to contend
with the fact

that he has a much higher likelihood
than Hillary Clinton

of experiencing a
legal snafu

during an inconvenient time

in that U.S. District Judge Gonzalo Curiel
has already scheduled a trial

on November 28th

for a class-action lawsuit
brought against him

by disgruntled students
of the now-defunct
(huge surprise)

Trump University

who in advance
and under expectation
of further instruction

gave his course 98-percent approval ratings
without the cloak of anonymity
and paid up to $35,000

for seminars
that wound up being
more like infomercials

and which did not deliver
the previously-promised material.

If Trump wins the presidency

may the rest of us
who are not gullible rich people

hold on to the slim hope

that he will forget to deliver
on all his campaign promises.

(And if that doesn't work
may we all remember
to duck and cover.)

This poem © 2016 Emily Cooper.

Article Nineteen

Today Ted Cruz
has decided to cruise away

from the presidential race

leaving the-only-reasonable-sounding-
adult-in-the-room-John Kasich

and what-hasn't-been-said-already-
Donald Trump

while Bernie Sanders

has won Indiana.

Coincidentally today is also

World Press Freedom Day

and if anything good
can be said of Donald Trump

is that his blanket hatred of journalists

only compels them
to work harder.

This poem © 2016 Emily Cooper.

To Seem and To Be

At his final Correspondents' Dinner yesterday
after so many instances

of doing it colloquially

(which
for the slang-uninitiated
is a good thing)

President Obama

literally dropped the mic

though it was
still on purpose
and with purpose.

Said the actress
singer and activist
Rosario Dawson

"There's a connectivity"
with the Obamas

and "it feels seamless"

and remarked on the president's work

"as a community organizer"
and "how that’s grown
into the presidency."

"We need that level of inspiration.
It’s going to be hard
to see that go."

And meanwhile Donald Trump
remains unseemly.

This poem © 2016 Emily Cooper.

An Infernal Racket

It took only John Boehner's casual remark

that Ted Cruz
was "Lucifer in the flesh"

for Cruz
to double down
with some serious "shade"

disguised as constructive criticism

retorting that Boehner
had "allowed his inner Trump
to come out".

Meanwhile in Hell
Satan decided to shed a tear

along with him.

This poem © 2016 Emily Cooper.

Teach Your Children Well

On April 25th in 1983

the Soviet Union
released a letter

that Russian leader Yuri Andropov
had written in response

to a note from an American fifth-grader
named Samantha Smith
from Manchester Maine

who asked if the Soviets
were planning to start
a nuclear war.

He answered

that Russia wanted
to “live in peace
to trade and cooperate
with all our neighbors on the globe

no matter how close
or far away they are

and certainly
with such a great country

as the United States of America.”

In this reality

Andropov invited Smith
to the Soviet Union

and she became
an ambassador for peace

until she was tragically killed
in a plane crash

in August of 1985
at the age of 13.

This event is just one
which would be rewritten
in history textbooks

via an executive order
from the Trump presidency

changing the story

to end with Smith's plane
being shot down
by the USSR.

This just makes it all the more important
for people of all ages
to learn our shared history

before we all
are doomed to repeat
Trump's version of it.

This poem © 2016 Emily Cooper.

Nothing Compared 2 U

Happy Actual
but Unofficial Birthday
(plus one day)

to the Queen

and Happy "We Acknowledge
That This is Our Shared

Even if Certain Interests
Would Rather Have it For Themselves" Earth Day

and of course

Happy First Day
of Purple Reign

in the Afterlife

2 U
the 1 and only Prince.

This poem © 2016 Emily Cooper.

A Pint of Conviction

The co-founders
of Ben & Jerry's ice cream

Ben Cohen and Jerry Greenfield

along with approximately 300 other people

have been arrested

after participating
in the "Democracy Awakening" protests

on the Capitol steps
in Washington, D.C..

The coincidentally Vermont-based
Bernie Sanders'-supporting owners

are no strangers
to creating politically topical names
for their flavors

though "The Average Price
of Acquiring This Arrestingly Good Pint

and Coincidentally Our Only Hope
for Reviving a Democratic Govern-mint

is $27"

may be a little unwieldy.

This poem © 2016 Emily Cooper.

Rough Justice

When Donald Trump says

“The Republican National Committee
they’d better get going

because I’ll tell you what
you’re going to have a rough July
at that convention”

it's really not his fault
that most of his words

are accompanied by a thinly-veiled overtone
of tiny-handed violence

(Oh wait a minute

yes it is.)

This poem © 2016 Emily Cooper.

Cruz-ing for Jesus

The popular porn site xHamster
is now greeting visitors
from North Carolina

with a petition
asking them to support LGBT rights

after first having
blocked them completely

after the passage of HB2.

However bizarre it may seem
for a porn site
to take a political stance

against an unjust bill

(considering some of the un-PC labels

used for categories of racy videos
featuring members
of said community)

it makes a whole lot more sense

than a politician
taking a stance
against sex toys.

This poem © 2016 Emily Cooper.

Points of Inflection

In a speech he made
in his and coincidentally
Bernie Sanders'

home state of New York
Donald Trump said

"Take a look
at what's happening to Bernie.

He wins
he wins
he wins
he wins

and I hear
he doesn't have a chance"

and added

"I'm not a fan of Bernie.
I couldn't care less 
about Bernie.

But he wins
like me.

This is a 
crooked system folks."

Trump's misunderstanding
of delegates
and primaries and caucuses

and most things notwithstanding

the two candidates
would appear to be in agreement

on that general point.

This poem © 2016 Emily Cooper.

The Blaze of Insight

According to Glenn Beck

the world
is in a state of chaos

because Americans
are worshiping the pre-Abrahamic deities
Baal and Moloch.

"It was worship the god of finance
the god of war
and the god of the earth.

I mean, we’re there"

he said.

While understanding
that this was probably not
his intended meaning

those first two "gods"

of wealth inequality
and unjust war

are two which Bernie Sanders wants addressed

(or "slain"
if one is being pre-Abrahamic).

And as is common
for someone in his
perpetually mentally turned-on state

Beck mispronounced
the names of the deities

whose real appellations

are Malice and Bullshit.

This poem © 2016 Emily Cooper.

Can't Trump Reality

The Villanova Wildcats

defeated the Tar Heels
77 to 74

giving them their first win
in 31 years

but UNC made
a valiant effort

and can take solace
in their victories

at five previous
NCAA Tournament Championships.

Meanwhile Donald Trump

continues to lose favor
even among hardcore Republicans

and was only
ever a winner

in the minds
of the people
who trusted him.

This poem © 2016 Emily Cooper.

Don't Know Much

(Sung by President Obama about Donald Trump)
(Apologies to Sam Cooke)

Don't know much
foreign policy

Don't know much
'bout nuclear armory

Don't know much
'bout how Korea's built

Don't know much
'bout the whole damn world.

But he thinks
he has half a clue

and he thinks

when his two terms are through

what a wonderful world
this would be.

(And that's no
April Fool's joke.)

This poem © 2016 Emily Cooper.

Chronic Conditions

President Obama
has commuted the sentences

of 61 drug offenders.

Whoopi Goldberg

wants to start
a new line of weed

to help women ease the pain
of their menstrual cramps

and has teamed up
with owner of Om Edibles
Maya Eastman

to create "Maya & Whoopi".

The company will offer edibles
tinctures and topical rubs

though the products
will for the time being
only be available in California.

And Donald Trump
has claimed that women who get
illegal abortions

should be punished

then quickly recanted the statement

after being roundly condemned
by both pro-choice
and pro-life groups.

What all these stories
have in common
is that legalized marijuana

may be the only way
women et cetera

can cope with the side effects
of a Trump presidency.

(The resulting paranoia
comes from the Trump

not from the weed.)

This poem © 2016 Emily Cooper.