Popular Vote

Donald A. Redelmeier
an epidemiologist
from the University of Toronto

in 2001
compared the lifespans
of Oscar winners
to those of mere nominees

and found
that the winners
lived about 4 years longer
(to age 80
instead of 76).

So putting aside
the nitpicky observation

that correlation does not
imply causation

perhaps we could
start to solve
social and economic inequalities

by voting
for this country's

least fortunate
(and most burdened)
as "Most Likely to Succeed".

This poem © 2014 Emily Cooper.

People of Good Faith

Today President Obama
announced an initiative
called My Brother's Keeper

to bring attention
to the deeply-rooted plights
facing America's young black men.

He deplored
the country's "numbness".

"It doesn't take much"
he said

"but it takes more
than we are doing now."

Among the attendees
was Bill O'Reilly

who will probably
dig up from his words

an intention
Obama never even
realized he had

but for now
for the sake of sanity

this poet will grant him
a shred of decency.

This poem © 2014 Emily Cooper.

Arizona is A.Z.

(Sung by the Arizona Republicans for SB 1062)

Arizona
where your business
is free to shun
the gays

Yes queers wavin' green
it sure smells keen

but trust us
they'll pay more
in Hell someday

Arizona
this may not
be our song
but that's okay

Arizona
Arizona
A.Z.?

This poem © 2014 Emily Cooper.

Peer Review

Goodbye
Piers Morgan.

Honestly this poet
did not watch
your eponymous show

but has the feeling
that meeting you
would be like meeting
a special friend

one with admirable energy
and similar views
on many hot-button issues

but yet is often
(and tragically so)

insufferable to be around.

This poem © 2014 Emily Cooper.

Brownies

The 13-year-old Girl Scout
Danielle Lei
and her mama

sold 117 boxes
of their signature cookies

outside the Green Cross
medical marijuana clinic
in San Francisco
on Monday.

The Girl Scout Association
of America
is great and all

but do they realize

just how cool
that leaf would look
on a round merit badge?

This poem © 2014 Emily Cooper.

When Problems Come Along

Guitarist Bob Casale
member of
the original Devo

has died.

The name Devo
was derived
from the word "devolution".

In 2010 he said
(of the year 1980)

"De-evolution happened
and now everybody agrees.

They don't think
we're crazy.

They know that it was true."

Yet this poet keeps hope
that one day
we as a people

will successfully whip "it"
into shape.

It's not too late?

This poem © 2014 Emily Cooper.

Sochi

With only
six days remaining
in the Sochi 2014
Winter Olympics

Putin has so far
done an impeccable job
in keeping things
completely heterosexual.

From girl duo t.A.T.u.
who in 2002
released a video

of themselves
ceremonially lip-locking
for the Fatherland

to the dozens of men
who spent years of their lives
devoting themselves

to the patriotic arts
of twirling ribbons

and painstakingly practicing
coordinated dance moves
all for the privilege
of someday

levitating a 3D hybrid
Teletubby-
Alice in Wonderland-rabbit-hole-
and Santa's workshop-
stylized version
of their beloved Mother.

And what of the male
figure skaters
who cut patterns into ice
(with real sharp blades
this poet might add).

Putin
you're doing
a heck of a job.

This poem © 2014 Emily Cooper.

Juno

Hey all
"Juno"
that Ellen Page is gay?
It's true.

In the movie
that quip-for-every-situation
premature preggo said

"I never realized how much
I loved being home

unless I'd been
somewhere really different
for a while."

Paulie Bleeker says
"I always think
you're cute.
I think
you're beautiful."

"Does this change
the movie at all?"

This poem © 2014 Emily Cooper.

This Is Just To Say

(A poem by Chris James Christie)

I have fired
the top aides
that caused traffic problems in
Fort Lee

and which
you probably realized I was
tolerating
for years

Forgive me
they were amenable
so calculating
and so connected

This poem © 2014 Emily Cooper.

Trekking Halls

America's favorite
human rights activist

and culturally-sensitive
ambassador to Ghana

Shirley Temple Black
has died.

In 1975
she said she felt political dialogue
was dominated
by the world's superpowers

that "there weren't
enough countries
talking to the developing countries."

And so
nearly 40 years later
with this still

all-too-true
fact of foreign policy

this poet
nominates Miley Cyrus
for the post
(any country really)

in a symbolic gesture
showing our country
can in fact

let go of the troublesome past
by turning in
one of our own

to the annals of
"Didn't that girl
used to do
something else?"

"How should I know?

This poem © 2014 Emily Cooper.

Moral March

We were many people
waving many banners

marching together
under whatever
we call God

Race gender class
preference for love

(certain folks
dared call us "fringe")

all feeling a sense of resolve
on a cloudy February day

"Forward together
not one step back."

We walked and stood
and were led
by black justice traditions

hearing stories
(from the aforementioned fringe)

of solidarity
and too many
real-life scars.

"It's mighty low"
to use power
to take away

yet Rev. William J. Barber
made sure
not to indict.

"It is not
Democrat versus Republican

It is not 
liberal versus conservative

It is
right versus wrong."

Then he sang the refrain
of "higher ground"
over and over

till we felt the mass
of ourselves

pushing upwards.

This poem © 2014 Emily Cooper.

If I Was Your Congressman

(Sung by Clay Aiken)

What ya doin' tonight
Are you just beating
your head on the wall?

Like you're really alone
Rich men stealing your dreams

Why can't I bring
you into my life?

'Cause I've got
what it takes
to make those
dreams come alive

If I was your congressman
Then I could meet
in every voter's room
If it's me
in congress man
I'd make everything fine tonight

If resolve was unshakable
then I could just
tell you where I stand

I would share my smartest plans
If I was your congressman

Let's just check
and see if I am.

This poem © 2014 Emily Cooper.

Life is a Contribution

In 2011
at the age of 92
after participating

in the New York
Occupy protest
Pete Seeger said

"Be wary
of great leaders.
Hope that there
are many many
small leaders."

This poem © 2014 Emily Cooper.

Everybody's Doin' the Time

Hey childless women
walkin' the streets
you're suckin' hard
on Obama's big teat

Dems say you're a charity case
and you ain't discreet

Keep eggs un-fertilized
on the government's dime

you're complicit
in their slutty crimes.

Take us down
to Mike Huckabee's city

where Uncle Sugar
hands out Yasmin
to the babes
who are pretty

oh won't you please
take us home?

This poem © 2014 Emily Cooper.

Don't Let It Be

When you found yourself
in big big trouble
you used God's authority
to make your priests the victims
Holy See

Rather than reveal their darkness
to some state authority
you were their protection racket
Holy See

Holy See
Holy See
Holy See
Holy See
those children need your answer
Holy See.

This poem © 2014 Emily Cooper.

Bridge Lines

(Apologies to Robin Thicke and Pharrell Williams)

Everybody held up
Everybody held up
Hey hey hey
Hey hey hey

If you didn't know
what Mr. Wildstein say

If you didn't know
your peeps
planned it this way
Maybe you're out of your mind

Everybody held up

We know you're desperate
but you're a "good gov"

Office blocked traffic
Commuters getting spastic
You say "Why you blastin'?"

We hate these bridge lines
We know you want it
We know you want it
We know you want it
But you're a "good gov"

This attention-grabbin'
and bein' so nasty

Lib' children miss classes

Everybody held up

You want to be prez?
What rhymes with "be prez"?

This poem © 2014 Emily Cooper.

Bro Code

It's the New Year
Pope Francis is still yakking
about the world's ills

and that we have
a "responsibility" to work towards
a worldwide
"community of brothers"

(and knowing him
probably sisters too)

who accept
each other's "diversity"
and "take care
of one another".

So this poet will
get off her
irresponsible
liberal duff
reach across the aisle

and wish Barbara Bush
a speedy recovery
who also said

"You get nothing done
if you don't listen to each other."

This poem © 2014 Emily Cooper.

As News Goes By

You must remember this
Whether new Pope
or gay kiss
Prez speaks
Important people die

Fundamental or trivial
sometimes
the news goes by.

And when things happen
as they do
that's another poem or two
On that you can rely.

This poet'll keep you
wittily apprised
as news goes by.

This poem © 2013 Emily Cooper.

How Joan of Arc Felt

(Apologies to the Smiths)

In this fast-paced
modern news age

a Fox blonde
has one concern

Megyn's just discovered

Some Santas
are darker than others

Some Santas
are darker than others

Some Santas are "brothers"
or even
Muslim-like colors.

Send her your tchotchkes
the ones with White Jesus
and she'll be just fine.

This poem © 2013 Emily Cooper.

The Unrest Will Follow

(Apologies to En Vogue)

Inspire loathing
with words they choose
to describe themselves
and also maybe you.

Putin forgive them
for putting on airs
by saying Russia's women
don't have it quite fair.

They might support
the gay pride colors
it doesn't mean they'll make
Parliament kiss each other.

Free Pussy Riot
and let Greenpeacers go

Support human rights
and "amnesty"
won't be shallow.

This poem © 2013 Emily Cooper.