Tanning His Hide

Hey there
New York Republican
Representative Peter King

you should know
that the only person

allowed to make comments like

"There’s no way any of us
can excuse what the president
did yesterday"

in reference
to Obama's "fresh" tan suit

is Joan Rivers

who is currently in the hospital
recovering from cardiac
and respiratory arrest

and was unable to attend

yesterday's press conference
in which the President

in addition to wearing clothes
also made a statement

that our country as yet
has no strategy
for conquering ISIS.

However she is not
the Chair
of the House Subcommittee
on Counterterrorism and Intelligence either.

This poem © 2014 Emily Cooper.

Crouching Leopard Concealed Carry

The bar for badassery
has been set

by 57-year-old Indian woman
Kalama Devi

widow and mother of one

who was cutting grass
with a sickle

then began walking
through a field
in the village
of Koti Badma

in the town 
of Rudraprayag

when a leopard
suddenly pounced on her.

Armed only with the farm tool
she fought the animal

for about half an hour
until it gave up.

Meanwhile an indicted Rick Perry
his concealed-carry gun rights
now restricted for two years

imagines the time in 2010
he shot a coyote
with a pistol

and privately
hangs his head in shame.

This poem © 2014 Emily Cooper.

Quid Pro Bro

Four male students
from the Materials Science and Engineering Department
at North Carolina State University

are developing a nail polish for women
that will change color

when it comes in contact
with common colorless and odorless
date-rape drugs.

An innovative idea
but unfortunately
a fashion accessory

that will provide a function
that shouldn't be needed at all.

Next up on the horizon
for another group of student researchers

is a project
to address the perpetrators.

It's a special cap

which would-be rapists
can put onto their bottles of roofies

that speak to them
in a relatable "bro" voice
when they remove the cap.

"Hey dude
in case you weren't sure
this is sexual assault.

Yeah brah
still sexual assault.

You may not care
about women

or your professors

or your parents

or even the anger
of the most chillaxed of your friends

but I can guarantee
whatever alibi you invent

won't be
a 'cool story bro'
with the police.

Why don't I
call them right now

because you're kinda
asking for it

and I really want you
to be totally safe?"

This poem © 2014 Emily Cooper.

Shall Not Perish

After the protests
in Ferguson

President Obama
has ordered a review

of the federal programs
and funding that allow
state and local law enforcement

to acquire military weapons.

Advocates of fewer restrictions
on firearms

have learned the catchphrase
"Guns don't kill people.
People kill people"

in defense of the gun owners
who regularly handle

their (usually much smaller)
weapons responsibly.

But putting aside
(for a moment)
direct physical harm

the fight
will never be fair

so long as one side
can explain

the use of their tools
in the heat of the moment

as self-defense

and the other

armed only with rights
granted them by their democracy
cannot.

This poem © 2014 Emily Cooper.

Perpetuated in Righteousness

On this day in 1959
Hawaii was admitted
to the Union

as our fiftieth state.

On this day in 1961
Kenyan political activist
Jomo Kenyatta

jailed by British authorities
in April of 1953

for his participation
in the rebel militia Mau Mau

was released from prison.

At the time

Barack Obama
was seventeen days old.

On June 1 in 1963
Jomo Kenyatta was elected
the first Prime Minister of Kenya

and for his first official act
he had the country's first
white witch doctor

an eight-year-old Barbara Kingsolver

inject a poisonwood potion
into the toddler

and in Swahili she said

"One day you shall
rise your way
to the top
through America's Ivy League schools

then strike fear in some
and guilt in others

to become its first
black president

and destroy the nation
from the inside out."

And the rest
as they say
is history.

This poem © 2014 Emily Cooper.

Freedom of Information Acts

Because it is
not yet the day

that every citizen of Earth
is permanently hooked up telepathically

to the One World
Liberal Reality Projector (TM)

that turns the insides of our eyelids
into always-on cameras
covering every possible angle
of the globe

and wordlessly conveying its importance
to our consciences and souls

we have people
who daily
put their lives at risk

in the name of information.

This poem © 2014 Emily Cooper.

Making One of Many

Towards justice we climb
if some ones lend their presence
and others their voice.

This poem © 2014 Emily Cooper.

Executive Orders

Today a grand jury has indicted
Republican Texas Governor
Rick Perry

on charges of abuse
of official capacity

which is a first-degree felony

carrying a punishment
of five to ninety-nine
years in prison

and coercion
of a public servant

which is a third-degree felony

with a punishment
of two to ten years.

Rick Perry knows
that a real Texas cowboy

does not run away 
from the law

but rather
publicly threatens to defund
his state's public integrity unit

of $7.5 million
over the course
of two years

if its head

the Democrat
Travis County District Attorney
Rosemary Lehmberg

(who really yes
should not have been

endangering public safety
by drunk driving)

does not resign.

Rick Perry has approved
the execution
of 234 prisoners

more than any other governor
in US history

but really
they all completely deserved it

and such actions

should never leave one
with a lingering doubt
of one's own ethics

or even the sense
that what goes around

may in fact come around
to bite one

on the cojones someday.

This poem © 2014 Emily Cooper.

Dreams of the Future

The United States Court of Appeals
for the Fourth Circuit
in Richmond Virginia

voted two-to-one
to uphold
the Federal District Court's ruling

that the state's 2006 ban
on same-sex marriage
was invalid.

Virginia counties could begin
issuing marriage licenses
next week.

In practical terms
any romantic fan fiction
involving the Founding Fathers

openly sallying forth
into their lives together
in a new country

with nary
a First Lady in sight

may need only the liberal use
of a time machine

in order
to become plausible canon.

This poem © 2014 Emily Cooper.

One Little Spark

It's okay
to be not okay.

It's okay
to reach out

even if you are talented
or successful or admired
or fabulously wealthy

or all of the above

and "should" be able to handle
a little stress
a little burnout
a little sadness
a little fear

or even
a whole lot of nothing

empty space
and empty time

because really
life is great

and what would life be
without a little struggle?

Really
it's okay.

This poem © 2014 Emily Cooper.

Peace Trend Holy Roller

Pope Francis has sent
Cardinal Fernando Filoni
to Iraq

with the intent to provide

"spiritual support
and the church's solidarity
with the people who are suffering"

as they flee
the radical group ISIS.

Today he tweeted
"Violence is not
conquered by violence.

Lord send us
the gift of peace"

followed by
the hashtag "#prayforpeace".

If you haven't been eyeing
this pope with suspicion

maybe it's time

because everyone knows
that good solid American prayer

does not belong
in the company

of some hippy-dippy
biased liberal concept like peace

especially not
the idea of peace "trending"

(whatever that means)

on Twitter
or outside Twitter

or even outside the Internet.

And it gave Jesus a headache
last week

when he was trying
to help a Senate Republican
filibuster the Bring The Jobs Home Act

a bill which would've
incentivized companies
with a twenty percent tax credit

for returning off-shored jobs
to the US.

Luckily Jesus prevailed
for this patriotic American senator

but barely.

Afterwards He lay down
and cried for Cat Stevens'

six-year-long "Peace Train"
ride to Islam
in 1977

and rued sorrowfully
the poor souls
who just so happened

to one day follow
the wrong bearded guy
with long hair.

This poem © 2014 Emily Cooper.

Shutting the SSL Up

Google has announced
its plans to give higher rankings
to websites that make use

of the secure
"HTTPS" protocol.

Google webmaster
trends analysts Zineb Ait Bahajji
and Gary Illyes

remark on the company's
Online Security blog

that due to "positive results"
"we're starting to use HTTPS
as a ranking signal".

In the coming weeks
they will publish
detailed best practices

for making one's site
more secure.

The government may
want to take a few tips

because at around
8:10 this evening

journalists were outside
the White House
waiting for a statement from Obama
about Iraq

when the premises
was put on lockdown

as a toddler managed
to squeeze through the fence
along Pennsylvania Avenue.

Security officials reportedly
kissed the baby
on his head

and said "Thank you
but the NSA

doesn't need to collect data
on you just yet."

This poem © 2014 Emily Cooper.

Going Green

Yo mama's
so promiscuous

with volunteering in charities

organizing for the community

and disobeying
in a most civil way

maybe she ought to be
put on some
paper currency already.

This poem © 2014 Emily Cooper.

Border Customs

Today in history
in 1882
Congress passed the Immigration Act

which banned immigration
from China
for ten years.

Two days ago in 2014
President Obama
chided House Republicans

for passing
"the most extreme
and unworkable versions

of a bill that they already know
is going nowhere"

allocating $694 million
to deal with the people

waiting in "crisis" at the nation's
Southern border

and this bill
did not pass
the Senate.

Really a "crisis"
is a moment for decision-making

and even the Democrats
originally-proposed
$2.7 billion investment

would only be the beginning
not the end

(and let it be said
that volunteer communities
in southern Texas

do a lot
to help immigrants
without the benefit
of government legislation).

Maybe when Congress
returns from recess

they (and really we)
can make a beginning

that reflects
who we are today.

This poem © 2014 Emily Cooper.

Forewarned is Forearmed

According to a newly-unearthed
long-lost videotape
of Bill Clinton speaking

to a group of businessmen in Australia
on the tenth
of September 2001

he said he "nearly got"
and "could have killed"
Osama Bin Laden

but he "would have to destroy
a little town called Kandahar
in Afghanistan

and kill 300
innocent women and children

and then I would have been
no better than him.”

In response
key Republicans made
some profound talking points
such as

"What are you talking about?
Military actions
never have unintended consequences"

"We are always better"

and "Regardless of doing something
we wanted our party to do

we for sure would've found

a way to blame you
for not taking action sooner."

This poem © 2014 Emily Cooper.