Devil with the Red Cup On

Jesus did not die
for the sins of humanity

but rather for the cinnamon
in their Pumpkin Spice Lattes

from the already LGBT-friendly
and perhaps-personally-contradictory Starbucks

who has shown utter disrespect
for the events

of the holy child's birth
and later sacrifice and rebirth

by replacing the symbols

like tree ornaments
and snowflakes

with a simple design
featuring two shades of red.

At least Pope Francis

may approve the use
of the now-secular cups
for Catholics in communion

given the all-encompassing
blood of Christ motif

that allows believers
to reflect on the true meaning
of the season

which is sharing your coffee drinks
with your needy neighbors

(yet another reason
he's considered so progressive).

This poem © 2015 Emily Cooper.

Trump Roast

The frequently silent
audience reaction

to Donald Trump's appearance
on Saturday Night Live

seems to put the lie

to the common supposition
that a Trump presidency

would be disastrous
yet at least entertaining.


This poem © 2015 Emily Cooper.

Rapped Attention

Never mind
the whole neurosurgery thing

and the "rising from poverty
in Detroit
to graduate from Yale" shtick

Ben Carson

has released a minute-long radio ad

with hopes of enticing
the young black vote

in Birmingham, Memphis,
Jackson, Atlanta

Little Rock,
and Houston
with "Christian Republican rapper"

called "Aspiring Mogul"

(who on his Twitter page
has a profile picture
of himself in a Where's Waldo shirt

and leaning against a wall
with a poster of Ben Carson

and coolly
looking very much
away from it)

showing off his own
rap lyrics

in between out-of-meter snippets
from Carson's stump speeches
who waxes prosaic about personal responsibility
and picking up the baton of freedom.

"Vote and support Ben Carson
for our next president
and be awesome"

he raps

and closes with

"If we want to get America
back on track

we got to vote for Ben Carson
matter of fact."

The beat is actually pretty good

and it was nice
of Carson's campaign

to support such a small-time talent
with an unspecified amount

of the $150,000 ad purchase

and yet the near-mogul
contradicts his own philosophy

as expressed
in a blog post
from May of 2013

about President Obama's election

"Politics is not based on popularity
or how cool someone is."

Whoops.

If such is the case
he should've just played up

Carson's vegetarianism
and his college scholarship fund.

This poem © 2015 Emily Cooper.

Make America Debate Again

Nothing says

"Rest assured

that I will be prepared

to deal swiftly yet thoughtfully
with any and all eventualities

during my presidency"

like negotiating directly
with television executives

about the format and content
of the Republican primary debates.

Donald Trump says
that he will reject

a joint letter
to the networks

drafted just hours before
by operatives
from his and 11 other campaigns

and led by longtime GOP attorney
Ben Ginsberg.

Some of those mutual agreements

include opening statements
of at least 30 seconds

the pre-approval of graphics
containing bibliographic information

and the elimination
of lightning-round-style questions

which candidates believe
could lead to embarrassing "gotcha" moments

(not that Trump
ever says anything embarrassing).

The letter also includes a request

that the moderators
will focus on substantive issues

rather than pitting candidates
against one another

(not that Trump
ever goes off-message

and lets slip
a petty and demeaning word
to a fellow Republican).

Yet regardless

of the structure and style
and whether or not

he skews the debate
for or against his favor

this is Trump's reality
and his reality show

and it is only everyone else
who notices

that "Make America Great Again"

in a certain light
implies that Trump
doesn't think much

of the 320 million people
who currently "make America great"

and are not
currently running
as Donald Trump for President.

This poem © 2015 Emily Cooper.

All Lyin'

Welcome to the House
Paul Ryan.

Perhaps being Mitt Romney's protege
during the 2012 elections

has taught you
valuable lessons

about working with people.

Let it be said

that more than 47 percent
of your people

are dependent
on the government

and you can't
count on them

to take responsibility
for their own lives

nor unfortunately
unlike with most irresponsible folks

can you count
on them
to vote for you.

This poem © 2015 Emily Cooper.

In the Black

President Obama

on Monday
struck a budget agreement
with Congress

adding $50 billion in spending
for this fiscal year

divided equally
between domestic and defense needs

and another $16 billion

for emergency war spending.

The tenative deal
contains nothing radical

but is an actual
bipartisan agreement

and does free up Obama

to do some things
any of them
potentially actually radical

or "Fox News radical"
and actual-reality
"about damn time"

in his last 14 months
in office

and quite frequently
both at the same time

particularly when speaking
to the police
about reforming the police.

(You can never tell
with that guy.)

This poem © 2015 Emily Cooper.

Hill Yes After All

After sitting through
an 11-hour

and now the longest
sitting special committee

in American history

surpassing Iran-Contra

and the Church Committee

which investigated Watergate
the CIA
the FBI and the NSA

Hillary Clinton
thought to herself

"Well this

was just about the stupidest
campaign stop ever.

But at least
I didn't have

a concussion
this time."


This poem © 2015 Emily Cooper.

Just Do It

Though the Cubs
have not yet
won the World Series

(though there's still time)

Back to the Future II's
self-lacing sneakers

finally do exist
as the Nike Air Mag

in today's 2015.

Although there's a rumor

that several
key Congress people

already had
the self-raising bootstrap

and mistakenly thought
the rest of the country

and certain demographics
in particular

had them too.

This poem © 2015 Emily Cooper.

Unreflectable and Unelectable

Donald Trump said something factual

when he tweeted
to Jeb Bush

in response

to Bush's defense
of his brother

who "kept us safe"

during his presidency.

“Jeb why did your brother
attack and destabilize
the Middle East

by attacking Iraq
when there were no weapons
of mass destruction?

Bad info?”

Pretty good info

and intentionally bad judgment

and sadly
the rest is history.

But unfortunately
knowing a candidate's sibling's

well documented

(atypical for Trump
to have actually done research
for his attacks)

and catastrophic failings

still doesn't qualify a man
to be president himself.

Even die-hard progressives
dead set on Bernie Sanders

are doubtful if Larry David
has any political aptitude.

This poem © 2015 Emily Cooper.

Sanding the Competition

At the Democratic debates
on Tuesday

Bernie Sanders' commented
about Hillary Clinton's

email security issues
which some
would term "scandal"

and though it would seem
the opposite on the surface

"The American people
are sick and tired

of hearing about
your damn emails"

is the
"I'm really happy for you
I'ma let you finish"

of 2015.

Because "finish" he did.

According to online focus groups

with a majority of participants
saying he "won"

for what it's worth

maybe Sanders
is the American people's

chosen acceptable-Kanye-West-debate-substitute
after all.

This poem © 2015 Emily Cooper.

Hell of a Life

The Democratic debates
are being held tomorrow
in Las Vegas

and the party
still lacks
a Donald Trump counterpart.

It's too bad

that Kanye West
will probably not be
crashing the Party

after crashing
the American Idol auditions.

President Obama
dropped him some excellent advice
for his political career

while speaking
with donors in San Francisco
on Saturday.

West likes a challenge

so portraying the presidency
as a thankless office

was a smart use
of reverse psychology.

He began with

“First of all
you’ve got to spend
a lot of time
dealing with some strange characters

who behave like they’re on
a reality TV show

and added that “Saying that you have
a Beautiful Dark Twisted Fantasy"

is "what’s known
as off-message in politics."

He made his final point.

“Do you really think
that this country

is going to elect a black guy
from the South Side of Chicago
with a funny name?"

"That's cray."

This poem © 2015 Emily Cooper.

Trump's Border WALL-E

Donald Trump
and Ben Carson

are the top two
Republican candidates

but Carson assures us
he will not be
Trump's running mate

as he is “very concerned
about the Donald Trump people
in our society.”

Welcome to the club Carson

(and it's a pretty big one

though yours
is fascinating
in its own respects).

We can only hope
he's referring to Trump's supporters

and not
hastily-made replicas

who can individually dedicate themselves

to the latest hot-button topic

and randomly generate unprovoked
and less-than-minimally-informed responses.

(Of course
none of the statements
needs resemble even remotely

anything prior
that was said
by another clone.)

Though any technical malfunctions

in our still-pre-Singularity age

might make "him"
more relatable and lovable 

and dig him ever so slightly

out of his current "Uncanny Valley"
and semi-realistic
but still off-putting facade.



This poem © 2015 Emily Cooper.

Ignoble Lies

Three physicists
who are attending

the flagship university
of this poet's home state

the University of North Carolina

were a part of the research team
led by Arthur B. McDonald
of Queens University

and Takaaki Kajita
of the University of Tokyo

who today
have won the Nobel Prize in Physics

for experiments demonstrating
that sub-atomic particles called neutrinos
change identities.

Now this is not
to be confused

with the fact that McDonald's

(how dare
some high-falutin' brainiac Canadian
steal such an all-American name)

implementation of select
all-day breakfast items

lets you change
your "nutritional" identity

to something
not-so-noble

for example to that
of a person

"who consumes
an Egg McMuffin

or biscuit

(for the McCrory Belt
and surrounding area)

and hash browns

every time

(not just until 10:30 AM)

a Republican candidate

says something
creatively brazen
or insensitive

about why kindergarten teachers
should have

or why we just shouldn't
do anything anyway

about guns

because criminals
will get them anyway."

After all

banning something
only really seems to work

if it pertains
to women's health

or minority voting rights.

(And why risk
needless democracy?)


This poem © 2015 Emily Cooper.