Roseanne Barr Trump

Last Tuesday
was the first episode of Roseanne

and it was a hit.

More than 25 million people
tuned in to watch the Conners

who inhabit a reality both parallel to
and distinct from ours.

In this fantasy land
red and blue collide
in Trump's America

its inhabitants united
by a shared class struggle

under the roof of a house
that is 30 years older
yet still looks the same

a metaphor for something

while managing to be witty
and nuanced
and insightful.

However in this world of 22 minutes
some of the comedy
is intentional

and surprisingly
its creator and executive producer
Roseanne Barr

tweets her support
of the president unironically.


This poem © 2018 Emily Cooper.

Please Please Me

President Trump
wants there to be
a citizenship question
on the 2020 Census

because he is racist

but also because
he longs for 12.5 million undocumented immigrants

to be self-hating people
who will put themselves down
and give him a sense of accomplishment.


This poem © 2018 Emily Cooper.

O' Happy Day

Donald Trump Jr. and
wife Vanessa

who was a contestant
on The Apprentice

are now divorced

after she discovered
his affair with Celebrity Apprentice Cast Member
Aubrey O'Day

which lasted from the end of 2011
to 2012.

A Hillary Clinton supporter
O'Day tweeted after the election

“You can be a lying, abusive piece of trash
that is personally and publicly racist
sexist & homophobic

and run our country.”


This poem © 2018 Emily Cooper.

Tweet by Fire

Another day
another firing.

Today Rex Tillerson
became ex-Tillerson.









This poem © 2018 Emily Cooper.

Kellyanne's Con Way

Supporting Roy
wasn't the right thing to do

But how could I
not broadcast what I feel?

If I could've
I would've told the whole world

but I only got
to say it on Fox TV.

I'm Kellyanne Conway

Who cares about the Hatch Act anyway?










This poem © 2018 Emily Cooper.

Clearance

Jared Kushner's security clearance
has been downgraded.

Apparently Mexico
Israel
China
and the United Arab Emirates

have all discussed

how they could take advantage
of his complex business arrangments
lack of experience
and money woes.

Top White House officials
say Kushner was "naive and being tricked"

intimating that he has an inner kindness
and idealism
and must be protected from bullies

when really he is smug and ignorant
and a bully himself

and should never have had any authority 
in the first place.

But whatever works.

Maybe we should do
the heretofore unthinkable
and take pity
on his father-in-law. 




This poem © 2018 Emily Cooper.

Parkview

Sometimes the adults in the room
are the teenagers

calling out those
who are supposed to be in charge.



This poem © 2018 Emily Cooper.

The Do-Nothing Process

Sarah Huckabee Sanders
is a master at channeling her boss

maybe not in exact verbiage

but in the essence
of her defenses of the accused

saying

"You have some very bad people
in that group

but some people
named Rob Porter

accused of physically assaulting
their ex-wives
of which there is photographic evidence

are very fine people."



This poem © 2018 Emily Cooper.

Captain Bone Spurs

Dear Mr. Trump

In addition to looking
rather fascist-y

(like the now ancient-seeming
footage from last June

of having Cabinet members
speak one by one
and praise you effusively each time)

suggesting that withholding applause
during your State of the Union address
is treasonous

speaks to a certain level
of obsession with pre-emptive bridge-burning

just to ensure that
in case anything
might be construed otherwise

you will not strive to create unity
nor heal any of our nation's pain.



This poem © 2018 Emily Cooper.

Game of the Union

Everyone knows that every State of the Union address
is made more fun
with the addition of alcohol

but this one is special. 

Whenever Trump tells a lie
take one drink.

Whenever he
in typical needlessly mean and nasty fashion

accuses Democrats
or anyone who is not him
of interfering with the forward progress of the country

take one drink.

Whenever Trump acts like he improved the economy
or that he took any deliberate action
that led to a positive change

as opposed to his (emphasis on) dumb luck

take a drink.

If he directly states or intimates
that bad news about him is fake

take a drink.

If he makes fun of Hillary
or lambastes the author of the book

whom administration officials
granted permission to acquire information
on more than a dozen occasions

take a drink.

And replace "fun" in the first sentence
with "deadly"

if playing the game
for the whole speech.

Do not do that.

Instead
so that you forget the remainder of his speech

a win in itself

but avoid overtaxing the liver

play the game for a maximum
of one minute.

This poem © 2018 Emily Cooper.

Devos-Shun

In now
what barely registers as news

Melania
not loving to play the role of political wife
in the first place

will now not be accompanying her husband
to the Davos World Economic Forum

for reasons that seem suspiciously timed
to the revelation
of Trump's year-long relationship

with adult actress Stormy Daniels

when Barron Trump
was four months old.

Would that this consensual
(albeit adulterous) affair

marked the nadir
and not the zenith

of Trump's treatment of women.

This poem © 2018 Emily Cooper.

Trump's Mouth

Supremely
Hateful
Ignorant
Term
Has
Offended
Loyal
Endorsers

(which is really saying something).


This poem © 2018 Emily Cooper.

Clueless

Dear President Trump

Because you're so
"like, really smart" and stuff

it would be like
totally cool of you

to like work even less you know

and maybe also less
of the stuff you call work
like Tweeting

because then like maybe
there won't be like a nuclear apocalypse

and the rest of us
would stay like alive

because you're like
"executive timing" like
all the time.

And you know like

don't like think Oprah
wants to be your running mate in 2020

because she like
hates everything you stand for

and like actually likes
and like cares about
what you like hate

like women and other races and like
generally people who aren't you
even like when they're also like billionaires

but also like nicer billionaires
including Tom Steyer

and like
she thinks you totally suck.




This poem © 2017 Emily Cooper.

Old Pain'd Sigh'n

In 2018 so far

we know that
Orrin Hatch is out
of the Senate

Roy Moore's Jewish lawyer
voted for and raised money
for Doug Jones' campaign

and that supermassive black holes
eventually suck the life
out of big galaxies

which might explain
the last year.

Still sources say
that 2018's mere existence

is a sign
that even with Trump

humanity may persist
for years to come.




This poem © 2018 Emily Cooper.

The American of the Year

Either Senator Orrin Hatch
(also known as
as a kind-of-similar-looking person

who would volunteer
to play Jeff Sessions
in a movie

were the latter
perhaps involved
in a legal incident)

is a master of dry wit

or did not do the reading
when he said it was an honor
to be named
"Utahn of the Year"

by the Salt Lake Tribune

in an article
that eviscerates him

for his role in dismantling the Bears Ears
and Grand Staircase-Escalante national monuments.

his role as Chairman
of the Senate Finance Committee

which facilitated Congress
making a major
overhaul to the tax code

and "his utter lack of integrity
that rises from his unquenchable thirst for power."

The author of the article
pleads that he not run for re-election
to an eighth term

and that if does
that voters should the do the right thing
and not vote for him.

A third possibility
is that Hatch was borrowing from the Trump school
of what could loosely be called "thought"

namely the one of
"When you have some haters

even and especially
when they have very good reasons
to hate you

assume their words are a cover
for 'I love you
always and forever

but am too scared
and jealous to say it.'"


This poem © 2017 Emily Cooper.

Seven Dirty Words

Were he still alive
George Carlin would be grateful
that the Trump administration

has helpfully written a sequel

to his famed bit

now called "Seven Dirty Words
You Can't Say at the CDC"

which are

"vulnerable"
"entitlement"
"diversity"
"transgender"
"fetus"
"evidence-based"

and "science based."

Similarly to the ones listed by Carlin

these are concepts
that are deemed offensive

and not suitable for the public.

Dissimilarly
they are offensive to the same people

who voted for Trump
for his outspokenness

because they mistakenly thought
he wasn't making fun of them.



This poem © 2017 Emily Cooper.

Show Them Who You Are

Dear Mr. Trump

Keep talking
keep tweeting
keep disparaging
keep silencing women

keep claiming that Senator Kirsten Gillibrand

was "'begging' for campaign contributions
not so long ago

(and would do anything for them)."

Keep talking.

Someday they will believe you.



This poem © 2017 Emily Cooper.

Do the No Collusion

(Apologies to Little Eva)
(Sung by Vladimir Putin)

Everybody's doing a brand-new dance now
Come on Flynny
do the "no collusion"

Talkin' with the Kremlin to improve Donald's chances
Come on Flynny
do the "no collusion"

The Trump brothers and their sister can do it with me
Easy as unraveling democracy

so come on
come on

Do the "no collusion"
with me.

Make up
Retract

You know I think
you've got the knack.





This poem © 2017 Emily Cooper.

Hindsight is Not 2020

Whether using a speech
honoring Navajo code talkers

as an opportunity
to mock
with his tried-and-true insult "Pocahontas"

Elizabeth Warren's
purported heritage

(which is worth a discussion
but not then
and never by Trump)

in front of a painting
of Andrew Jackson

or semi-regularly risking war
with North Korea

or defending Roy Moore
in the name of his party

even at huge cost
to his party

John McCain
sums up the heart of the man
when he says

he lacks “principles and beliefs”
and “takes advantage of situations.”

It may sound obvious
to many or most Americans now

but all of us in fact
are capable of recognizing the obvious

the difference being
before or after
we get blindsided by it.

This poem © 2017 Emily Cooper.

The Malevolent in the Room

Kellyanne Conway
is trying something new

namely the art of speaking something truthful
about the disgraced Roy Moore
and implicating other men

with as-yet-unknown (to us)
records of sexual harassment or abuse

while simultaneously ignoring
the very well known
behaviors and actions of her boss.

Said she to ABC News on Sunday
with a straight face
“If there’s anyone currently in public office
who has behaved that way
to any girl or woman

maybe they should step aside."

Though to be fair
she did say "public office"

and Trump has no intention
of serving the public.

This poem © 2017 Emily Cooper.