Cast the First Stone

Roger Stone

the man Hank Hill's father Cotton
from King of the Hill would be
if he were taller and real

and one of the only people
to actually vocalize the word "libtard"
rather than just writing it
in YouTube comments

has pleaded not guilty
to charges from the Mueller probe.

Anagrams of his name
include the descriptive "ego snorter"
and the foretelling "regret soon"

and if you include his middle name Jason
you also get "Orange Senor Jots"
and "Oranger Jest Soon"

for the inevitable "I never liked him" tweet
from the President.



















This poem © 2019 Emily Cooper.

Greater Than

When asked by Stephen Colbert
"On a scale of zero to some
how many fucks do you give"

about her fellow Democrats
telling her to "go slow"
on her ambitious policy proposals

Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez replied
"I think it's, um, zero."

This poem © 2019 Emily Cooper.

NoFundMe

Brian Koflage Jr.
organizer of the GoFundMe
to fund the building 
of the wall

has declared that the delusional donors' money
will no longer
go to the federal government

and will instead fund a new nonprofit
called We Build the Wall, Inc.

Because of this change
donors must opt-in
to accept the redirection of their funds
or receive a full refund.

Koflage believes his team
is “better equipped than our own government
to use the donated funds
to build an actual wall
on the southern border".

What will likely happen
is that on day 365 of the government shutdown

the promises of the nonprofit
remaining unfulfilled

all seven Trump supporters
who are still mad enough to do something about it
will gather together at the border
to build their own wall

marvel at how
wall-building is quite hard

stop marveling at this fact
before they accidentally appreciate
the labor of immigrants

and finally unveil
their creation

which stands
at all of 20 feet wide
and 3 feet high.

Then Trump will declare victory

Republicans in Congress
will say something in praise
of those seven American workers

Democrats will be happy
with its size

everyone else will be exhausted

and the government will be reopened.

This poem © 2019 Emily Cooper.

A Lie Repeated Often Enough

As the shutdown stretches on

Trump
tonight at 9:00 PM Eastern Time

through his second-favorite medium
of television

will be making his case
for the border wall

but he's wasting his
and everyone else's time

because he could just say
the wall was already built

and sooner or later
(probably sooner)
he and his supporters
would believe it.

This poem © 2019 Emily Cooper.

Trump Said It Best

Says Trump MAGA-nanimously

in all caps:

"HAPPY NEW YEAR TO EVERYONE, INCLUDING THE HATERS 

AND THE FAKE NEWS MEDIA!

2019 WILL BE A FANTASTIC YEAR

FOR THOSE NOT SUFFERING

FROM TRUMP DERANGEMENT SYNDROME.

JUST CALM DOWN
AND ENJOY THE RIDE,
GREAT THINGS ARE HAPPENING FOR OUR COUNTRY!"

For once

Trump invented something good

as Trump Derangement Syndrome

is a great name

for an affliction

although in actuality

its primary sufferer

is not the media

but the president himself

for holding hundreds of thousands

of jobs hostage

in the hopes Democrats will indulge

his penis-size metaphor. 

This poem © 2019 Emily Cooper.