Fifteen Repug-allo Candidates Together

Dr. Ben Carson

is six years late

in writing his part
for the Insane Clown Posse's

2009 song "Miracles"

in which the clown-made-up
"horrorcore" rap-rock duo

(whose fans
are lovingly called Juggalos)

express wonderment
with natural phenomena

such as "mountains
trees
the seven seas"

the "sun and the moon
and even Mars

the Milky Way
and fucking shooting stars"

and the phenotypic resemblance
apparent in how "Shaggy's little boy
looks just like Shaggy"

but here it is.

"Just the way the Earth
rotates on its axis

how far away it is
from the sun.

These are all
very complex things.

Gravity where did it come from?"

But just to make it clear

despite his MD

which he used
for operating

on delicate tissue

of humans'
primary thinking apparatus

and for which
he won an award

for "miraculously"

(with a 70-person team
and 22 hours of work)

in 1987
separating conjoined twins

who were attached
at the head

he "don't wanna talk

to a scientist"

about global warming

being something

at least heavily influenced

by human activity

setting the matter with

"Y'all motherfuckers lying

and getting me pissed."

(The good doctor

may care

for neither rap

nor rock

nor presumbly horrorcore  music

but he loved that verse so much

he just had

to say it again.)

This poem © 2015 Emily Cooper.

Reverse Sequestration Operation

If you still have
your government job

it's time to give
dubious thanks
to the folks in Congress.

Deep into his second term

that's something that Obama

has become
quite good at doing

and is likely
both nonplussed

and flabbergasted

at any of the near misses

frustrated people everywhere
now claim as weary victories

which take us
back to square one
instead of somewhere

completely off the game board.

"The good news
is that it looks like the Republicans

will just barely avoid
shutting down the government

for the second time
in two years.

That's a somewhat low bar
but we should celebrate
where we can.

The bad news
is that it looks like Republicans

will just barely avoid
shutting down the government again

for the second time
in two years."

This poem © 2015 Emily Cooper.

Love Wounds and Mars

NASA scientists have "unearthed"

definitive signs
of liquid water on Mars

noting dark streaks
called "recurrent slope linae"
or RSLs

in photographs.

Though researchers have long known
that Mars has dry ice

in its polar ice caps

this find should fuel
speculation

(well at least
more-educated speculation

than even Futurama
could provide)

as to whether

we've got Martians
in our relative midst.

Since Jeb Bush

seems to think
that the Republican Party's message

to people of color
unlike the Democrats' 

"isn't one of division
and 'Get in line

and we'll take care of you
with free stuff'"

(meaning "Give you some assistance

in acquiring food
and health care

to keep you from being hungry
and/or dying
from something

all but eradicated
in the rest
of the First World")

if NASA in ten years

holds a lottery
for laypeople

to spread Americanism
to the discovered lands

it would be unseemly
for the 2024 Republican candidate

to promote this heavily
to the base

by now hopelessly fractured
and consisting of everyone

who wasn't "priced out"

of the Grand Old Party

(so roughly 100 people
nationwide
give or take)

as this would be
an undeserved handout.

(And what is love

but requiring them

to design and lift themselves
by their own space bootstraps

if they want so badly
to breathe
that space air?)

This poem © 2015 Emily Cooper.

Speaking Out

For John Boehner
it's a sad

but remarkably lucid day.

Some say it was the DNC's
years of pithy and punny
email subject lines

that finally did him in

including "Devastating Blow to Boehner"
"Boehner Panic"

and "Big Raging Boehner
Screwing Us All"

(well okay
not that one yet).

Others say
he articulates

what reasonable people
on both sides of the aisle

have been thinking
for some time

namely that

“It’s become clear to me 
that this prolonged leadership turmoil

would do irreparable damage
to the institution.

This isn’t about me.

It’s about the people

it’s about the institution."

Now how long before
Donald Trump tweets

that he could've done
a better job?

(Meaning replacing crying

with unprovoked insults.)

This poem © 2015 Emily Cooper.

Legitimate Bodies

To hearken back
to a 2012 quote

from Todd Akin

apparently the body

does have "ways to try to shut
that whole thing down"
only in this case

that body
look a lot like

mostly-male House Republicans

and "that whole thing"
is Planned Parenthood

and perhaps the country's
life support system

including to some extent
their own

also known
as "the federal government"

on September 30.

Luckily Senate Democrats

had a way
to shut down

a bill that would have
banned abortion
after 20 weeks.

Pro-choice advocates
are less fearful

now that Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell
has scheduled a vote this Thursday
on a temporary spending measure

that would delay the shutdown
until December 11.

The measure is not expected

to have a rider

to defund Planned Parenthood

as the organization

has already received

all its allotted funding

until next April

and most Republicans

are trying a novel tack

and embracing logic.

Just like two years ago though

Ted Cruz
still seems a little "unchill"

so just in case
when the Pope visits Congress

His Holiness could dig in
to his latest store of contriteness
he has saved up

from those who terminated
their pregnancies
with such services

and get everybody
to shut up

(and perhaps even
consider caring about the lives
and resources

of people
older than a zygote).

This poem © 2015 Emily Cooper.

Stumbling Towards Facts-asy

Was President Obama

born in the US?

More than three-fourths
of the way

into his presidency

and Donald Trump
still boldly refuses to affirm

what some sources
would call
"a statement of fact."

Not too long ago
Trump gave "birth"

to his own facts
about the president's heritage

and his present cageyness
suggests he is still

leveraging those facts
by omission.

Some left-wing types might call
these types of statements

a "specious platform
on which to base
a potential presidential career"

or Marco Rubio

might tell questioners
that making those inquiries

is a "waste of time"

but that sounds suspiciously

like an opinion.

This poem © 2015 Emily Cooper.

Bad Apples

It's important

that anyone involved
directly or peripherally

in the education system

that nurtures our children
on their journeys to adulthood

be they teachers
parents
principals

guidance counselors
gym coaches

or maintenance people

be on the lookout

for any students
of Middle Eastern descent

bringing in
a so-called "clock"
or other electronic device

that obviously took hours
of diligent and careful labor.

They're clearly trying

to imitate that degenerate offspring
of Syrian descent

Steve Jobs

(and maybe even
have a job after college).


This poem © 2015 Emily Cooper.

The Art of the Deal

In an event
which is newsworthy

for being far less a failure

than some
(well perhaps everyone)

would wish or expect

Bernie Sanders
took his populist message

to the evangelical Christian college
in Lynchburg Virginia

Liberty University.

Referring to "massive injustice
in terms of wealth
and income inequality"

he said

"Maybe just maybe

we can try to work together
to resolve that."

Though his statements
supporting abortion and gay marriage

got only scattered applause and cheers
from a small section
of the crowd

evidence of his wizardry

was apparent in the words
of Nathan White
a pro-life and "capitalist" junior from Houston

who said "I'm glad they invited him
but I wouldn't vote for him."

No word yet

on whether Donald Trump is jealous

but maybe Sanders
should be jealous

as you can create your own masterpieces
using his head as a paintbrush

at PaintWithDonaldTrump.com

while no such website
has yet been made

for the Jewish socialist
from Vermont.

This poem © 2015 Emily Cooper.

Sign of the Covenant

Does it matter

that some would perceive

a rainbow appearing
over the One World Trade Center

on the eve
of the anniversary
of the attacks

as something more divine
and Biblical

than the sun
meeting the rain?

It's better than making a war

out of fear.


This poem © 2015 Emily Cooper.

And So Can He

Stephen "Col-bear"
of Report fame
has died

but Stephen "Col-bert"
of Late Show fame
is born.

His first musical guest

is New Late Show
bandleader Jon Batiste.

And just like that

everyone will forget
how to correctly pronounce

every other fake French
stage name

(but hopefully not "Jon").

Not to mention Col-bear's show
was broadcast to Real Americans
who believe in Truthiness

while Col-bert
now also has to appeal
to Fake Americans

as his real self.

That would make anybody feel vulnerable
and it's our Fake American duty

to Bert the burden
along with him.


This poem © 2015 Emily Cooper.

Boo Hoo of Kentucky

If Kim Davis
goes to jail

and doesn't realize

that when Jesus wept
He wept for people like her

because the hill
on which she is willing
to give up the clerkship

is so pathetic
and so hypocritical

in light of her own
three divorces

does that make
her bigotry sound?

Her lawyer
would seem to think so. 

But oddly enough
those who support
the law of the land

are aligned with

the Westboro Baptist Church

who believe
that she had a hand

in breaking God's law
and enabling "fag marriage"

and should be in jail for that.

Morality is confusing.

This poem © 2015 Emily Cooper.

Cataclysmic Catechism

The Pope is putting
the 'mobile in gear

in preparation
for the United States leg
of his world tour.

He will arrive
in Washington, D.C.
on September 23.

A school in a poor East Harlem neighborhood
is planting chrysanthemums

to liven up
barren flowerbeds

and show they're taking care
of their community.

Gift shops

are stocking up
on equal parts

sincere and heretical
Pope plushie dolls.

And Republican members of Congress
running for president in 2016

are agonizing over
which level of forgiveness

will keep them from
alienating their base

(and he's now
more pro-choice

or at least

more pro-forgiving of the
"sin of abortion"

than they are).

This poem © 2015 Emily Cooper.

Fractional Geometry

Republican presidential candidate
Donald Trump
has disappointed us all

yet again

as it was not he
who proposed the idea

for a border wall
between the US and Canada

as had seemed
his destiny to do

but rather

Republican presidential candidate
Scott Walker

who is graciously granting us
the opportunity

to xenophobically defend
twice as many American borders

and yet has lost
his once dominant position

in the straw polls
as Trump surges ahead
to be the frontrunner.

It's now up to Trump
to earn his first-place position

by promising
that nations of all lands

along America's infinite border
(according to fractal geometry)

foot the bill
for the border wall.

This poem © 2015 Emily Cooper.

Misunderestimating the Undersecretary

President Obama
traveled to New Orleans

to commemorate
the 10th anniversary of Hurricane Katrina.

"The world watched in horror.
The music in the air
suddenly was dark and silent"

he said

yet noted
how well the city
in many ways
had recovered from the storm.

"I'm here to say
that on that project

of a better stronger
more just New Orleans

the progress you've made
is remarkable."

Yet this poet is reminded
of how different

the tone of her commentary

would've been
had it been started

in the previous administration.

Starting this week
and for many following weeks thereafter

it would go

"Bushie you're doing
a String-of-Expletives

of a job

(again)."

This poem © 2015 Emily Cooper.

Biden His Time

According to a senior Democrat

President Obama has given
Vice President Joe Biden

his "blessing"
to make a bid

for the White House.

The decision is his alone

though he has gotten
and will continue to get

input from husband-and-wife team
Anita Dunn and Bob Bauer

a former White House Communications Director
and White House Counsel
respectively

who were each heavily involved
in Obama's 2008 campaign

and Steve Ricchetti
Biden's chief of staff.

One imagines Obama's blessing

went something as follows.

"Barry look
I gotta do something.

The Onion
totally paints me

as a womanizing
dope-dealing
reckless party boy.

But that's not
who I am.

I'm a blue-collar boy from Delaware.

I can give the people
what they want
because I think like they do."

Obama has his back turned.

"Listen Joe

The Onion is satire.

No one really thinks

you're like that

except for Donald Trump's base

and they'll believe anything."

Biden answers

"Yes exactly.

Look Barry

Trump's an asshole

but he's an asshole with chutzpah

who's running for President."

Obama takes his time

then finally turns around.

"Just so we're clear here

being President

ain't an easy gig.

Why don't you go back

to being a lawyer

and make a difference that way?

People loved you.

I was a community organizer

before I took office."

Biden is persistent.

"But I gotta prove it

to them Barry.

If Trump can do it

why can't I?

No way they'll make fun

of the highest office in the land.

The Onion doesn't do that."

Finally

not quite believing

he's speaking the words

that are leaving his mouth

"Fine. Go for it."

"Great" says Biden

then as he leaves
laughs and yells back

"I'll save you a seat
in the house."


This poem © 2015 Emily Cooper.