La Cebolla

Univision Communications
the largest broadcaster

of Spanish-language programming
in the U.S.

has bought a controlling stake
in satirical news site

The Onion.

The question remains

as to whether
the company will also sue

the satirical Donald Trump

for his offensive comments
about illegal immigration

and refuse to satirize
a single word
about his beauty contest.

This poem © 2016 Emily Cooper.

Stemming the Red Tide

Taiwan has just elected
its first female president

the oppositional
Democratic Progressive Party leader
Tsai Ing-wen

whose party has traditionally leaned in favor
of an independent Taiwan.

An official press release from China
says that there is "no denying
that the DPP's return rule

poses grave challenges
to cross-strait relations."

There's an opportunity
for Donald Trump

to make another cheap shot
at Hillary Clinton's
hopelessly female candidacy

though he may accidentally indicate
his anti-democracy leanings. 

This poem © 2016 Emily Cooper.

Nothing Has Changed

Donald Trump was most likely
not an avid fan
of David Bowie

who started out a Neo-Nazi
and ended up an outspoken advocate

for feeling comfortable
in your own skin

but at least
he's no stranger

to making a new and inadvertent self-reflection

every time
he sics his wit

onto someone
who disagrees with him.

Fellow Republican
Nikki Haley

isn't too fond of President Obama
but did concede

that at his State of the Union address
he did make a good point

when he namelessly rejected
Trump's favored form
of identity politics.

"Yes, Mr. Trump has definitely contributed
to what I think
is just irresponsible talk"

she said on ABC News.

Well perhaps.

Trump called her "weak on immigration"
and said that she asked him

for campaign donations
when she was running for Governor of South Carolina

and probably still would now
if he weren't running for president.

And as for Obama

"He's living in a fantasy land.
I think this man is living
in a fantasy land".

But at least Trump put on

a snazzy pair of reading glasses
when telling a crowd

the cautionary tale
comparing the venomous snake

in soul singer Al Wilson's
1963 song "The Snake"

to immigrants.



This poem © 2016 Emily Cooper.

State of the POTUS

President Obama
will give his final

State of the Union address
on Tuesday.

His aides say

that despite all his frustration
and all Republican candidates' wishes
to the contrary

that he intends to present
an optimistic view

of America's future.



This poem © 2016 Emily Cooper.

Rocking the Boat

(Apologies to the Hues Corporation)

So I'd like to know where
you got the notion

said I'd like to know where
you got the notion

to create
the aptly-named Anthropocene

which is an entirely new
geological epoch

brought about
by human activity

and is estimated
to have started between the years
1945 and 1964?

But ironically
maybe our "cargo full of love and devotion"

is made safest
by more than a few of us

"rocking the boat".


This poem © 2016 Emily Cooper.

Trump's M.O.

The footage
in Donald Trump's television ad

(well at least
his first official campaign-sponsored ad

for himself)

features non-Mexican
Moroccan-born migrants

who are entering
the Spanish autonomous city of Melilla

on the African coast.

Says campaign manager
Corey Lewandowski

"No shit
it's in Morocco."

That settles that.

Emotional visual metaphor
is all well and good

or at least
a highly-indulged-in
trope of campaign ads

but upon hearing the line

calling “for a temporary shutdown
of Muslims entering the United States

until we can figure out
what’s going on”

the public
may be conveniently persuaded

that when it comes
to invasions

spelling doesn't count.

(And hey this time

at least the two countries

have the same
first and last letters.)

This poem © 2016 Emily Cooper.

New Year's Resolve

President Obama's
New Year's resolution

is to proceed
with executive orders

putting in place
new gun control measures

including one major provision
that will require
some unlicensed gun dealers

to get licensed
and to conduct background checks 

on potential buyers. 

And not a single Republican
or NRA lobbyist

can tell him
he won't keep it.

This poem © 2016 Emily Cooper.

First Breach Doctrine

Security researchers

have discovered
that more than 191 million

US voter records

containing voter names and addresses
voter ID numbers
phone numbers

birth dates
and political parties

are now visible
to the public.

Most states currently already allow
access to some of this information

as a matter
of public record

though in South Dakota
for example

access comes with stipulations
against selling the data.

The breach appears
to have been caused

by a third-party firm
that bought the data
from software company Nation Builder

owned by venture capitalist 
Ben Horowitz

and Napster co-founder
and Facebook's first president
Sean Parker

then sold it
at a lower cost

to political campaigns.

Mama don't let

your voter records
grow up to be

data breaches.

(As if the emails
from the DNC

weren't incredibly personal
date invitations

from the president already.)

This poem © 2015 Emily Cooper.

Dynamic Personal Mobility

Pope Francis says
of the atheists

who don't really care
one way or the other

about what God
does not have to offer

that they will still
get into the same place

in which they
have no reason to believe

as will followers
of the Christian God.

He says

"God’s mercy has no limits
if you go to him
with a sincere and contrite heart.

The issue for those
who do not believe in God

is to obey their conscience."

In effect
nothing has changed

and atheists worldwide
will no doubt respond

"Okay cool.

What do you think
we've been doing?"

But they take for granted

that the Pope
had to pull a lot of strings
with God

to upgrade them
from "eternal damnation."

(And right when God
was working

through Santa Claus
to help him deliver

2 billion Hoverboards.)


This poem © 2015 Emily Cooper.

Boy Vey

In his latest Tweets
Donald Trump
now seems less bothered

by the fact
that Hillary Clinton

who said he has
a "penchant for sexism"

was absent
for a brief moment

at the start
of the Democratic debates

on Saturday

and more bothered
that a female person

might have to go
to the bathroom in the first place.

"I know where she went.
It's disgusting.

I don't want to talk about it."

This not-talking-about-it
talking-about-it

accompanies another Tweet
defending his choice of words

when observing
that the Democratic candidate

was "schlonged" by President Obama
during the 2008 campaign.

Either that comment
is also incredibly sexist

(and it's not like Trump
is a big fan
of Obama's immutable attributes either)

or the "schmuck"
needs to learn himself some Yiddish

before he whips out
his penchant again.

This poem © 2015 Emily Cooper.

The Scorn Trooper

On Saturday

Hillary Clinton
walked in about a minute late

relaxed and unfazed

to the Democratic debate
on ABC

hearkening back
to the debate
on October 13th

when she joked
that it took her longer to pee

than her male colleagues

Rumor has it

she was actually tweeting Donald Trump
and his supporters

a "huge spoiler"

about the new Star Wars movie

namely that a black actor
plays a Stormtrooper

and smugly anticipating

the waves of support
in her direction

and the subsequent sycophancy
of Trump's followers

caused by such a revelation

when Trump complained
about the "politically correct" casting.

It's true no news stories exist
to corroborate that rumor

but at least that would explain

why Trump tweeted
"It was really strange
when Hillary was missing

from the podium last night.

Not very presidential!"

rather than criticizing ABC
for airing the debate
a minute too soon.

He seems truly hurt

and granted her campaign
is more than
a little hawkish

but he'll probably get over it
soon enough.

This poem © 2015 Emily Cooper.

Crimea River

Now that Donald Trump
has received the ringing endorsement

of charismatic Russian leader
Vladimir Putin

who called him
“a very bright and talented man” and

“the absolute leader
of the presidential race”

we can soon expect
a 2016 shirtless-horseback-riding
and protester-heckling calendar

and not a moment too soon.

Every other country
will wish they were
on such good terms

and Bernie Sanders will be upset
that Trump single-handedly
brought about the end of Communism

(the 1991 dissolution
of the Communist Party
being a hoax

of course).

And only a 13-year-old
Justin Timberlake song

will be the appropriate Tweeted response
to all of Trump's haters.

"Don't it make
you sad about it?"

This poem © 2015 Emily Cooper.

Bully Pulpit

After his luncheon
with Killer Mike

Bernie Sanders
must be trying out
his rap skills on Twitter

when he writes
"In my view
we need to invest in jobs and education

not jails and incarceration"

and rues that "Today no piece of legislation
gets onto the floor

of the US Senate

unless it was bought
and paid for."

The message is good
and it rhymes

though the meter
a little clunky.

But it flows better

than Donald Trump's
new beef

with Ted Cruz.

"I was disappointed that Ted Cruz
would speak
behind my back

get caught
and then deny it.

Well welcome
to the wonderful world
of politics!"

It's got a juvenile
passive-aggressiveness

that should appeal

to all the bullies
in middle school

who are running smear campaigns
for class president.

(Though sixth-graders
tend to have
terrible taste in music.)

This poem © 2015 Emily Cooper.

Negotiable Assets

For the first time ever

women in Saudi Arabia
are allowed both to vote
and to run

in elections

and Uber has teamed up
with the Al-Nahda Philanthropic Society for Women

to offer them free rides
to the polls

since they are still
barred from driving.

Maybe because
unlike with the supposedly un-Christian
red Starbucks cups

he hasn't yet found

some random guy on YouTube
ranting about it

Donald Trump hasn't proposed
a registry or a ban on women

and they'll probably
get to keep voting

as long as they're attractive.

This poem © 2015 Emily Cooper.

Surviving at the Top

Until December 13
the Hour of Code

an event created
by the non-profit Code.org

to encourage instructors
to give each of their students

one hour of time
learning computer science

is in progress.

Amazon CEO Jeff Bezos
did a rare Tweet

offering to send Donald Trump
into space

after Trump Tweeted
that Bezos

was using his purchase
of The Washington Post

as a tax shelter
for the online store.

Bezos may already
have a rocket

through his private space company
Blue Origin

but in this case
maybe a world of kids

each with one line of C
or one neuron
of a rocket's brain

at a time

are the future

(and maybe so are
some bankrupt
Trump space hotels).

This poem © 2015 Emily Cooper.

All in the Same Gang

This Hanukkah 
it would only be right

if you took the time

to "act like you"
didn't "forget about"
the Dr. Dreidel

(to quote a verse)

featuring the visage
of actor and rapper
Andre Young

who goes by
the stage name Dr. Dre.

Conceptual artist Heather Rothstein
used the service You3DIt.com

to request the four-sided top
with the usual Hebrew characters

be replaced with
his appropriate expressions.

Gimmel meaning "take all"
is Dre giving
a thumbs-up.

Hay or "take half"
is Dre looking somewhat smug.

Nun or "take nothing"
has him looking bored and bemused

and Shin or "put one in"
makes the good doctor
put a gun to his head

and makes one think
he should see
a licensed doctor immediately

given the generally low cost
of the chocolate coins

which are commonly used
to "gamble".

Unfortunately the product
is not for sale

but it should nonetheless
improve the holiday's
lucky-triumph-through-scarcity mythology

and more importantly
its bling quotient
compared with Christmas.

This poem © 2015 Emily Cooper.

Rare As Opposed to Normal

Taking full advantage
of his media platform

Donald Trump
is going to Israel

and Obama
is trying to find the words
to respond to another mass shooting.

But only one of them

will speak about real events
involving hundreds of people

who have actually
been witnessed doing things.

This poem © 2015 Emily Cooper.

Fight the Powers That Be Just

The Pope is in
the Central African Republic

as part of a six-day
tour of Africa

praising “the wisdom found
in poor neighborhoods”

condemning 
lack of clean water
in a slum

and calling for peace

after having been to Kenya
on Thanksgiving

to warn of the catastrophe
bore largely by the poor
in Africa and beyond

that will result
if special interests

choose to hijack the climate change
summit in Paris

where President Obama
will negotiate with more than 120 world leaders

to create an historic agreement
on limiting
greenhouse gas pollution.

Meanwhile Donald Trump
now owns the rights

to Twisted Sister's
“We’re Not Gonna Take It”.

This poem © 2015 Emily Cooper.

Doing Thanks

Starting but not ending
with today

may Thanksgiving
be a verb again
in the USA.

This poem © 2015 Emily Cooper.

American Dream Prelude

There's still no sign of Kanye

but Bernie Sanders
and Killer Mike
(also an aspiring politician)

were today seen eating together

at the soul food restaurant
Busy Bee in Atlanta.

They discussed family
the failings of the media
and Noam Chomsky
over chicken

before the Run the Jewels member
repped for Sanders

at a rally
to 5,000 people
at an overfilled Fox Theatre.

“It was just a conversation
between two angry radical guys

one 74 and white
one 40 and black
finding common ground"

said Mike

while Sanders noted
he's "quite a rapper."


This poem © 2015 Emily Cooper.

Sub-Standard and Poor

In the light
of global crisis

Donald Trump
exuded sensitivity and reason

when asked
during a campaign stop
in Newton Iowa

if as president
he would create
a national database

of Muslim citizens
in order to track them.

"I would certainly implement that.
Absolutely."

then continued

“There should be a lot of systems
beyond databases."

He later Tweeted
that a reporter

and not he
had brought up the idea

and told CNN
"I never responded to that question."

Though some might argue
it was a "leading question"

it was only such
in that Trump followed it
where he wanted it to go.

(Speaking of that

the database
would look great

as a scrolling marquee
on the border wall.)

This poem © 2015 Emily Cooper.

Shooting Stars and Crescents

It's a good thing

that outer space is too big
to be partisan.

Otherwise Republicans

would find a way
to make the Leonid meteor shower

invisible to anyone
who thinks

that perhaps many-times-vetted
Syrian refugees
are not terrorists

and are looking
to escape violence
rather than create it.

(Then again
you can never guess

what mayhem
those five-year-old orphans
will get into next.)

This poem © 2015 Emily Cooper.